You’ll Need a Tray

I’m crabby.  For multiple reasons.

I still have pole burn.

My fingers are cramping from tying four hundred and seventy two tiny black bows on wedding programs and menus.

Worst.  Period.  Ever.

I figured out I can’t fit my entire fist in my mouth.  I can only make it just past the knuckles.

Speaking of things fitting in mouths – after finding today’s Craftastrophe, I have a hard time not picturing Mildred with a bottle neck coming out of her face.  It’s rather upsetting.

I only have six days to transform my body into a replica of Charlize Theron’s bod for a whole mess of wedding photos…without going to the gym or sacrificing brownies and cocktails, of course.

The cups of my fancy bra are thoroughly soaked with boob sweat – but not from working out.  Obviously (see previous paragraph).  Do cats sweat?  How could you even tell under all that fur.  Lucy is laying in the bathtub and Mildred is doing her best Playgirl impression sprawled out on the hardwood floor but neither looks moist.  Maybe I should turn on the air conditioning, just in case.

…and now I’m cold.

It’s Monday.  It’s overcast and thick with rain-to-be.

The Kardashians are on the cover of my Us Weekly.  Again.

Then my friend Pete posted this video and I remembered I scored two free Spanx torture devices at BlogHer so all is right with the world again.  It’s old (the video, not the girdle).  Odds are you’ve already seen it (again, I meant the video – though I have been known to flash supportive undergarments in the right situation), but sometimes it’s worth pausing to celebrate Eddie Izzard, Lego, and Darth Vader all in one fell swoop.

Just let me grab another cupcake and I’ll be happy to watch it with you.


  1. This one is wet, what did you dry these in a rainforest?
    Sometimes I forget how good Eddie Izzard and Star wars legos go together.
    I’m going to run over (after bracing myself of course) and see the Craftastrophe.
    Tally ho, I shall be back.

    1. I have never been more attracted to a slightly less than average height man wearing a dress in my entire life. It’s probably the accent.

  2. Annnnddddd…. I’m back.
    Suddenly I feel the need to shelve all the beer in the house? Still, the kilt guy is KIND of cute?

  3. from the looks of this pms, I’ll probably be joining you in worst period ever in a few days. Can we blame BlogHer?

    some of my cats are weird. they like being in the sunlight on the hottest of days. (I say some, because I do have five.)

  4. I’m sorry you’re crabby. I’ve been funkin’ myself. But I think you’re right. Cupcakes are the answer.

  5. (insert evil laughter here)… no periods. Ha. innards gone. Yes again, I have shared too much. Love Star Wars, Battle of the lego cafeteria trays!

    1. I’ve got a whole mess o’ microbrewers yelling at me for trashing specialty beer. Um, it’s not about the beer, dude. I wouldn’t drink champagne out of a squirrel either.

  6. I LOVE Legos and Star Wars and Eddie Izzard! Never seen this before but can’t stop watching or forwarding it. Hilarious!

    Ahnd one more thing. Why the hell would you WANT your fist in your mouth? The thought has never crossed my mind and you’re disappointed it won’t fit? What am I missing? Great. Now you’ve got me trying it! Fan-fucking-tastic.

    Pass the cupcakes.

    1. Why WOULDN’T you want your fist in your mouth? Sometimes I just wonder things. Like, can I put my foot on top of my head?

      Turns out that yes, yes I can.

  7. Do you know who I am? That will be my new line! For the past month I have been wearing out the line my son gave me, which I adapted to suit me, my adaptation was, “You shouldn’t fuck with me, I’m kind of a big deal” It’s fantastic, the looks you get when you say that to people!! HAHAHAHA

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