You People Are Weird

Learning how to play the ukulele is really cutting into my surfing-the-internet-for-really-weird-stuff time.  For the record, it’s totally worth it.  I’m having the best-est time ever.  In fact, I’m trying to figure out how I can work Herbert into my old married hag of honor toast at Gwatt’s wedding.  (Performing “Take a Letter Maria” probably isn’t the way to go.)

Fortunately, you people are weird enough I don’t seem to need to seek out much of anything.  You guys send it straight to my inbox.  So um, thanks for that?  I’d like to return the favor by sharing a few here.

Google Images seems to be a little confused about my gender…and species…and well, where I fall into that whole animal, vegetable, mineral question.  The first return for “Elly Lou” in Google Images is a beanie.  A green beanie.  With a giant poof ball on the top.  It’s like seeing double, isn’t it?

Elly Lou

Elly Lou

It seems I need to stop lecturing people on the proper way to eat a watermelon.  (In case you’re wondering, the proper way is to cut a hole through the rind of the melon, then set it atop one of those giant 5 gallon plastic tubs they sell at hardware stores.  Let all the juice drain out.  Then you pour a nice grain alcohol through that hole and into the dehydrated melon.  Alternately, if you live with people that happen to have a lot of large syringes around *waves to Mom and Dad* you can also inject the alcohol straight into the melon.  Either way, instant party.  You are welcome.)

Snatched from Engadget

Granted, melons are frickin’ heavy.  I mean, the heaviest thing I lift on any given day is a ream of paper.  That’s why I only buy them when there’s a Rocco around to carry them from market to apartment.  A little melon trolley would make it easier to schlep my favorite cocktail container home.  Still, the cooling mechanism seems a little excessive.

…that is, unless it’s already full of alcohol and you want to serve it cold.  Then it makes total sense.  I retract my objections to this little appliance.


I have a lot of friends that are collecting unemployment these days, so I didn’t want you fellas to miss your chance at becoming “America’s Favorite Porn Star.”  You can apply here.  I hear the medical benefits are stupendous, especially the dental coverage.  I suspect Mary Murphy and her Hot Tamale Train are missing from this season of So You Think You Can Dance because she’s scored a gig on this new show.

The deadline to enter is August 9th, so you’re going to want to get right on that (that’s what she said – oh wait this is gay porn – that’s what he said).  It’s not everyday you win prizes AND have your bait and tackle immortalized on film…in 3D.  Woof.

If it was up to me, I’d produce a show called “So I Think You’re A Fuck.”  It could run for nine bazillion seasons.  I mean I can list off a pretty sizable string of contestants right off the top of my head – Rod Stewart, Tom Cruise, my upstairs neighbor who’s new hobby seems to be clogging, Bristol Palin, Lindsay Lohan (and suddenly I remember I had a very strange dream about Samantha Ronson last night, awkward), Tony Hayward, Dick Cheney, that annoying guy from the State Farm commercials, Glenn Beck, the mean cashier at my grocery store, and the asshole keeps leaving fliers on my car right before a huge rainstorm.  Fucker.

Well this post suddenly took a turn for the crabby.  If I keep this up, someone will be taking my angry rants and matching them up with cute pictures of kittens like they did to that beacon of humanity, Mel Gibson.  I better end this on a positive note.  Thanks to my dear friend Creamed Corn, enjoy this beautiful image of The Hoff.

Keep the weird shit coming you latex-wearing, pony-humping Freakazoids…that I adore.


  1. I’m pretty sure I once heard of a watermelon BONG too… But it might just have been fantas….I mean a dream I once had or something, while on antibiotics…or…something. But I’m liking the fill it with alcohol method better.

    Also, I think I’d like to learn to play the uke. I mean sure they’re like little silly guitars but they sound so pretty, especially when that Hawaiian, very rotund, now dead gentleman plays it. You know the one? With the unpronouncable name? I have a blog friend whose boyfriend is a uke player and travels to uke meets (or whatever you call things where hundreds of ukelele playing people get together and get hideously stoned). It all sounds quite lovely! Are the chords anything like guitar chords, because I play the guitar?

    1. They’re very similar, but four strings – so easier. Also I strongly believe you can’t play a sad song on a ukulele. They all sound happy. Get one. We’ll skype duets and become internet superstars. Any chance you can yodel?

      1. The only time I came close to yodeling was when I accidentally jammed my big toe under the bathroom door when trying to scare a mouse (don’t ask). But I’m pretty sure I could give it a go. 🙂 I don’t suppose you can recommend a good beginner uke? I’ve actually been checking them out!

  2. omg, watermelon filled (injected) with Vodka is so awesome along with who could spit the seeds out the furthest after a few watermelons and drinks. Someone spit out their retainer. I remember that and I think I still have it. It was not mine.

    Uhmmm, where is the Hoff’s penis in proximity to that dog. I don’t care how weird I am, that is just plain wrong. EEEWW….

    1. I’m glad I am not the only one who was concerned about the Hoff’s dingly bits touching that poor puppy.

  3. I want a show called “What is pissing me off today.” I think it would be a huge hit.

    And the Hoff is now more wrinkled than those dogs.

  4. Mary Murphy IS gone from So You Think You Can Dance, and I miss her because that lady who replaced her is a bee-atch.

    Dude. David Hustlerhoff is creeeeeeepy.

  5. I actually spent the first ten minutes thinking the Hoff was wrapped up in dirty tea stained draperies and then scratching my head about all the puppy references. Time to visit the eye doctor again.
    The watermelon looks like an alien driving an intergalactic vehicle.
    I should probably take a good hard look at the guy I’m sleeping with to make sure he’s actually my husband because the vision ain’t what it used to be.

    1. Now just hold on a minute. How are going to lock eyes across a crowded room if you can’t see? Also, I now suspect that your knife throwing skills are not as strong as you previously implied. I’m starting to worry about all the turf wars at BlogHer now.

  6. Umm, ok that pic of The Hoff is creepy. He’s got a puppy on his naked junk. That just smacks of bestiality to me.

    Well, *I* certainly have more scruples than that.

    Gotta go. I’m gonna sign up for the porn star contest. BTW – did you check the URL of the people running it? go to Naked beefcake. All beef. Lemme just say IT’S ABOUT TIME.

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