Yellow Pants and Other Bad Fashion Choices

Apparently a Super Bowl party isn’t supposed to involve a White Elephant gift exchange or caroling, or scavenger hunts, or craft projects, or costumes, or any of the activities I had planned.  It seems people prefer to sit and *gasp* watch the game.


I don’t get it.  All I saw on the TV screen was a whole mess of yellow pants.  I’m told the people in the yellow pants won.  All I know for sure is that we went through 5lbs of cheese and my stomach hurts.

The Bang-go Cap

Speaking of cheesy, I’ve seen a lot of ridiculous things atop of peoples’ heads (last night included) but this might be the best one ever.  As per usual, that Keeping You Awake fellow likes to send me weird shit.  I guess he just assumed because I live in the land of tall bangs and long nails that I needed to know about the joys of the Bang-go cap.

Its not just a hat.  OH NO!  It’s so, so much more than that.  Its also a visor.  Its a way of life.  Its a cure for cancer AND a fashion revolution.  I bet if I buried one in the planter next to St. Joe, my apartment would sell instantly for double the asking price!

Why does that line make me laugh so hard?

If you ask me, these hats were designed by prim and proper zombies with a penchant for golf brains.  I mean, how many times have you been just about to bite into a succulent cerebellum…er…I mean orange…and been overwhelmed with frustration upon realizing you first have to PEEL the damn orange?  Then as you’re peeling it, the brains…er…juice run all over your hands, down your wrists, and into the cuff of your recently starched shirt.  (Zombies love starch.  True story.)  Its a bitch, right?

When I was a kid, Mom would cut a small circle out of the orange rind, shove a straw in there,  and leave me to spend the next four hours trying to suck all the juice out of that thing.  (Wow.  Re-reading that sentence I suddenly have a whole new appreciation for my mother and her sick sense of humor.)  The point being, I didn’t make a mess.  The rind kept the juice corralled, contained and off of her hardwood floors.

Now look at this damn cap again:

Try not to get distracted by the hideous shirt and focus only on the "hat."

No, REALLY look at it.  Try and see it from a zombie perspective.

That shirt really is hideous.

I rest my case.  Yet again, I’ve saved your life, Interwebz.  You’re welcome.  Now go forth and Monday.  I’ll be here holding my stomach and moaning.  And maybe shopping online for some yellow pants.


  1. I think one of the great overlooked benefits of the bang-go cap, is that you can wear it backwards over your mullet, and keep the sun off of your neck. This could really come in handy at the next stock car race I attend. Do they have any with “#3 Dale Earnhardt” screen printed on them?

  2. You now, before I saw the other pics and had just started with this informative entry, I saw that first photo and I thought, “Why does that lady have a crustacean on the front of her hat?” Later, after reviewing all the evidence and other photographs, I was asking myself, “Why DOESN’T that lady have a crustacean on the front of her hat?” because, really, that would be preferable and more attractive than having YOUR BANG REGION (!) poking out the front of your hat, thus labeling you mentally challenged or a douchecanoe. I have spoken.

  3. Someone had to be sacrificed as the first, unwitting line of defense against the zombies. Apparently it’s gonig to be the golfers, who zombies love to pop a top on!

    Thanks Bang-go Cap!

  4. with all that cheese, I hope you have a long extension cord ’cause you’re going to be replying to comments from the “library” all day. Unless you’re one of those people for whom cheese has the opposite effect: stopping the normal “flow”. Be careful that you don’t end up like Elvis did.

    1. You need to make a square one for boxes of Franzia…so they can stay cool but still have access to the spout. Now THAT needs a patent. Get on that. TWSS.

  5. That shirt!!! I’d like to kill someone because of that hideous shirt.

    The hat, well, that’s genius. Just in time for my planned 80’s Jersey hair comeback.

    And the straw in the orange? You’re mom is my new hero. I will be torturing my kids with that this week. Know what? They’ll love it. Freaks.

    1. I had nightmares about that shirt. It turned into matching wallpaper and bedspreads, too. It was like being consumed by the set of Miami Vice.

  6. Bang go is the nickname I gave my humping bunny and now I’ve got to start from scratch again.

    This hat is almost as puzzling as the visor I used to have that shielded me from the sun with only a clear slightly tinted plastic rim.

    Also, the magnetic poles are reversing so we are all going to die. It was in the Economist so it must be true.

  7. I will definitely NOT be wearing one! ESPECIALLY while my cardio is severly limited by the crutches!!

    This post made me laugh my butt off too! I love your sense of humor – you are as warped as I am!

  8. F*ck I miss mall bangs.

    Plus, the British call it “fringe” which always makes me think of cow girls and really messes up the whole 80s vibe I have going.

    Damned Brits.

    – B x

      1. Thank you Elly for forever ruining the “*” sign for me.

        Now when I do this, *_< I am no longer winking. I have an arrow aiming at my anus.

  9. Oh my goodness. That lady looks like ALL the ladies at the bus stop! With the same hairdo! I may have to get them all this hat as a gift so maybe next time they’ll let me join in their conversations…

  10. You can all make fun of that hat all you want to. The person who designed it is now on some crazy tropical island (which she just bought) staring at her crazy new yacht. And she doesn’t have to even wear that hat because she pays someone to stand over them and keep the sun out of her eyes.

  11. I’m all for marketing this to golfers and the yellow pants people with reviews posted in Zombie Details, Zombopolitan, and Zoumbge. Next year, there will be pinatas, games, and white elephant exchanges on Superbowl day, and Superbowl will consist of half-time show and commercials only. Minus Black Eyed Peas, though.

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