I’ve been thinking a lot about the Roman Empire lately. Which of course leads me to think about the fall of the Roman Empire. And how much I hate those ugly gladiator sandals everyone is wearing, but that’s not really the point.
You see, I’m pretty sure I live in Rome. Fine, to be perfectly fair, I live in a suburb of Rome. (The Roman Suburbs. Does that sound like a kick ass band name or what? Their debut album should be entitled “Lead Poisoning Sucks.”)
Anyway, I suspect that when the end of the world comes, it’s going to hit here first. That, or we’ll all slowly go mad from breathing those toxic fumes that surround the nine hundred and seventeen nail salons peppered around Manhattan and suddenly one day snap, suffocating one another with Subway sandwich wrappers and discarded pages of the Village Voice while the rest of the world shakes their heads, sipping wine civilly from crystal glasses.
Sometimes, I overhear conversations that make me think that day is here already, that the oxygen levels have already dropped below safe levels. Like this one:
Girl: I’m pregnant.
Other Girl: See what happens when you use the front hole?
Ok, so that one might not have been random strangers, but I’ll deny everything in a court of law. Speaking of the legal system, I was down by the courthouse a while back and heard this little jewel:
Girl: So! How’s the baby?
Second Girl: I sold it.
*sigh* Of course you did.
Guy: Sometimes I worry I have a drinking problem.
Other Guy: Why?
Guy: I keep waking up in my own piss.
Other Guy: You have a drinking problem.
You know what? I’m a glass half full kind of girl, especially when that glass is half full of straight liquor. (I need a little room for my mixer, damnit.) So I’ll just celebrate the fact that his buddy recognized that waking up in a puddle of piddle isn’t exactly a healthy lifestyle. So maybe I don’t have to start stockpiling non-perishable foods and water filtration devices…yet.
Still, I’m starting to see the upside of living in Ohio.
Note: I blame KeepingYouAwake for this post. He spent the whole morning distracting me with videos like this one. Which may replace “Big Booty Bitches” as my favorite song to sing while browsing the frozen foods section of my grocery store. Oh, for the record, I suppose you could consider it vaguely NSFW. You suit wearing types do get a little worked up about that, don’t you? You post one little Willie Nelson Vag…
Ok, so when in Rome, are you going to be using the front hole, selling your baby and waking up in a piddle puddle? Speaking of puddles. This reminded me of a friend (scout’s honor!) who spent the night with the waiter who plowed her all night with free liquor and then just plowed her all night (I wish this WAS me) The next morning the waiter was gone and her sheets were red and stuck to her face! She panicked until she found the popsicle wrapper on the floor. Embarrassing, yes, but I’ll still take it over the puddle of piddle!
What? You know Gwen, too?!?
Too funny!!!! Where DO you hear these conversations? Sometimes I miss the days of working with gay chorus boys in dance belts. Man, the stuff that flies around in those dressing rooms…
“Man, the stuff that flies around in those dressing roomsâ€¦” Are we still talking about conversations here?
I suspect some prankster has been giving me wrong information about which of the two holes is for what.
Damn you Catholic school.
…and by “prankster” I assume we’re talking about your husband.
K, that front hole convo made me snarf.
*bows* Can I offer you a tissue?
THIS IS ROME!!! No, wait, that’s not right. RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!! Yeah, that’s better.
My husband and I were at dinner last night and someone said something against the Ground Zero Mosque. Rocco yelled, “Release the Elly!” Seriously.
I swear last no night, and I am not lying, I was craving for Ramen. Oh shut up!! It’s roman. Okay, but I was still craving ramen though.
Thank god for earbuds or whatevs at work.
You definitely shouldn’t put ramen in your ears while at work. At home, it’s fine.
and thank goodness I’m just far enough away to sip civilly…
I’m not so sure about that…
You have to do that little swirly dance while you sing it in the frozen foods section as well. Dammit, now that’s going to be in my head all day. Must forward to others…
It’s like crack I say. Gen Eee Tail Eee Uh.
It’s a wonder women haven’t found a way to exist without men, yet. This is classic.
I am totally looking for a band name — The Roman Suburbs just might need to be it. And those conversations? That’s what I hear in the hallway of the high school where I teach.
It’s yours! So long as you occasionally need to bring in a guest uke player.
If something can replace Big Booty Bitches, would that fall under romanesque revival?
…and P.S., smooches.
i don’t know where the end of the world will strike first, but i am certain of two things: there is no upside to living in ohio and i never ever want to see that dude’s GENITALIA!
Oh honey, but he desperately wants to see yours!
So that first convo made me laugh AND GAG!
I like to think of the other girl as an entrepreneur. Probably needed money to get her nails done.
Hey look at me…I’m a clone but with better spelling the second time around.
Also? Your blog just scolded me.
I hid it. So now you just look schizo. You’re welcome.
I like an honest man.
“I can give good sex to you!” Sure you can, honey.
I can’t believe I missed this and you credited me for wasting your time and everything! Oh, what a jerk I am. I will make this up to you in scores. (I think that means a bunch)
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