When in Doubt, Turn to NPH

It turns out adrenaline and rainbows will only get you so far, Interwebz.  When drunk on happiness, one should really not assume one can climb mountains with a bowling ball wedged between their colon and lungs.  If one was foolish enough to attempt such things, one might have a monster back ache, ankles the size of Dick Cheney’s head, and another visit from our dear friend Artemis.  Then one might not be able to sit in her desk chair (the same one one has had since middle school and now is totally devoid of any padding) for more than three minutes at a time.

Technically, I guess she’s one and a half.  But boy would that previous paragraph be dizzying if one and a half constantly referred to one and a half’s self as one and a half, wouldn’t it?

It’s also possible that one and a half might not have slept so well after yesterday’s overly ambitious agenda.  One and a half might be delirious.  And stuck writing in the third person after working on one and a half’s proposal for too many consecutive hours.

Which is why one and a half…or maybe it’s two thirds at this point in the pregnancy.  I mean, sure the doc says we won’t see the Captain Elbows until October 5th, but the psychic framer one and two thirds met two weeks ago is certain the little bugger will arrive on September 30th.  Hell, maybe one and two thirds should actually be referring to herself as one and three quarters.

Does anyone else have a headache?

I know, let’s all just quietly revel in the joy that is NPH making fun of himself and pretend this whole post never happened, k?


  1. just so you know, Oct. 5th is a PERFECTLY good birthday to have. I know you’re in a hurry to get this over with, but – Oct. 5th is a GREAT birthday.

    no pressure.

    Except, Oct. 5th is an AWESOME birthday.

    nuff said.

  2. Your post reminds me of that Paul Simon lyric about “one and one-half wandering Jews” — can’t remember which song it’s from, though.

    Artemis is a charming name for a hemmorhoid but did you call it that because Artemis is the Goddess of childbirth? A few seconds after being born, she helped her mother deliver her twin brother Apollo. Now THAT’S a precocious kid!

  3. NPH rocks mah socks off.
    Also, I have decided that Paul will be making his maiden voyage down the Erie Canal on October 2nd. October 5th is a Wednesday and those kids are full of woe. September 30th is much better as Friday kids are loving and giving. But Sabbath day kids are bonny and blithe and good AND gay. Which increases the likelihood of NPH-like awesomosity like 1000%.
    Also, probably into Sabbath which could be cool in a late 70’s, bat eating kind of way.

  4. Oh Doogie. *shakes head, puts stethoscope to own heart*
    (Yet again, I have no idea what this means but I’ll press submit anyway.)

  5. I just saw Dick Cheney on TV yesterday and he’s clearly lost weight lessening the size of his head by at least four cubits. And why yes, I did find that unit of measurement on the internet yesterday while trying to prove the validity of my theory that giants did in fact roam the earth in the distant past.

  6. This is one of my fav SNL digi shorts. And I think it is time to introduce my children to Doogie Howser so they can appreciate NHP the way we do. (I forgot how cute he was when he first started on that show! Oh my goodness. All that curly hair)

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