Well Smack My Ass and Call Me Literary

“This book was funny and filled with details that really made these stories come alive. Smart, intelligent, and hilarious collection of essays. Also, I learned a lot about vaginas.”

No, I didn’t go and publish a book without telling you.  I spent most of yesterday doing research on what other memoirs are out there, and I stumbled upon that review for this book.  A girl can but dream of receiving such a kick ass review.

But my dear Interwebz, things are looking really promising!

Who has two thumbs, a uterus that doubles as a sack full of elbows, and a…wait for it….LITERARY AGENT?!?!?!

It's hard to take a picture of yourself and include both thumbs, FYI.

I’m so excited I could piddle.  Granted, that sensation may be due to the fact that Captain Elbows keeps confusing my bladder with a Hippity Hop, but I’m pretty sure I’m that excited, too.

I’m signing with The Folio Literary Agency, specifically with a brilliant gal by the name of Shawna Morey.  And I’m not just saying she’s brilliant because she described my book as “extraordinary.”  (But it doesn’t hurt.  At all.)  I’ve actually worked with her in the past – back when we were both much younger and spent a whole mess of time at Don Hill’s -so I know how smart she is…and how dedicated…and I’m just so stoked to have her on my side…and did I mention I’m excited?

*attempts to bend in half to lower head between knees and breathe evenly but is thwarted by giant, pointy watermelon someone smuggled into uterus, reaches for paper bag instead*

So now is the part where I start whoring about.  I still need a publisher, see?  And while that’s mostly Shawna’s gig, I want to make it as easy and juicy for her as humanly possible.  So I was hoping maybe you guys would help me out a little?

I’ve made a Facebook Fan page for Lymphomania.  Would you mind clicking on over and giving it a “like” so potential publishers can see what I already know with every fiber of my being – my readers are latex-wearing-pony-humping-freakazoids and beyond awesome?

I suppose you can lick it, too, if that’s what you’re into.  Lord knows I’m not one to judge.  Just clean the screen afterwards.

You know. I always have a hard time with words that are wicked similar like that – lick and like, scan and scam, fetch and feltch.  I switch them all the time.  It can get pretty messy.

Focus, Elly.

If you’re feeling SUPER supportive, you go right ahead and tweet/post/scream/tattoo on your forehead about the book.  I won’t stop you.  There will probably even be more licking involved.

I can’t help but be a little floored by how lucky I am with the timing of all this.  Hopefully Shawna and I can put together a solid proposal before THE OVERLORD blows my bits out and then she can work at landing a publishing deal while Rocco and I are elbow deep in liquid feces!  Oh the glamor of it all!

So cross your fingers.  Sorry in advance for all the slutting I’m about to do.  And thanks for everything.  You guys seriously rock my face off.


  1. Woooooohoooooo! Very ultra fabulous happy-making news! I congratulate you and also do a dance in your honor. You don’t want to see the dance. Just know it’s happening.

  2. I’m so fucking excited for you!
    And like I said on facebook, you need to wedge in a fantasy dream sequence where I ride a minotaur through a labyrinth and I look like Mary Stuart MAsterson.
    Like Elvis C. said– Living in a perfect world, where everything is equal, I’d still own the film rights and be working on the sequel.

    1. It is?!?! Everything??? NPH is coming to my house for a slumber party, too?!? I don’t have anywhere near enough cookie dough…

      And I’ll deny it later, but you totally just made me all watery. Eyed. Not the other kind. Much.

  3. Yay for you!!!

    When you go on your book tour can I accompany you? I can carry your Sharpies, fetch your Martinis and make sure your hotel room is filled with kittens and Rod Stewart CD’s.

    Seriously. Congratulations.

  4. Woot! Major congrats. Always knew you were going to make it big. (well, knew you were going to be big. Well, knew you were big – 8 mos pregnant is pretty big, huh?)

  5. ass smacks and fist bumps! this calls for a glitoris partay! now, please just remove the word “feltch” from your Word dictionary so spellcheck catches that shit. ; )

  6. Wow, that is AWESOME, dude. You deserve it too. How utterly exciting. I don’t do the FB so I can’t join your thing but I sure will mention it on my crappy blog at some point and tell everyone to buy your book when it comes out.

    Also? VAGINAS!

    1. My vagina and I are flush with your support. And I’ll totally be begging you to do a giveaway or something on that magnificent and legendary blog of yours, you internet goddess, you.

  7. Congrats!!!!!! So excited for you!!!

    Also: I have no idea if I knew you were with child or not…pregnancy brain…but congrats! When are you due?? It’s like everyone is preggo and I’m not even aware…which is my own fault.

    1. Oct 5th allegedly. I have a sneaking suspicion he’s not going to wait that long. Impatience may be genetic.

      And no worries, I didn’t realize it was September until yesterday. Ooops.

  8. ZOMFGS! Slut your ass off and git er done, yo. I’ll be pimping your shit too because I want to walk into the local Barnes & Noble(if they exist anywhere anymore) and buy my very own copy.
    *fist pump*
    *glitter fling*


    Also, to prove how much I love you, I went ahead and did the FB thing. BUT ONLY BECA– USE I LOVE YOU. If you’ll noticed I’ve liked a grand total of like 3 things in my life and only because loved ones asked me to. FB is a scourge upon humanity. Which is fine, and all, I just never use it.

    You. You have the awesome-pants.

    1. I am incredibly grateful for your brave and noble sacrifice. I owe you a pony. But maybe just a virtual pony. I hear ponies are really hard to ship.

  10. I already squeed when I first saw this and the FB fan page. Coming here to officially register my fangirl status by adding *squee!*

  11. I definitely misread the name of your super fancy literary agent as Shawn Money. Would you consider telling her to change her name? I just think the only thing more impressive than having an agent is having one named $hawn Money.

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