Breaking news, Interwebz – Smart People Drink More Alcohol.
Some data fiend decided to see how data on drinking habits correlated with all sorts of other fun factors like religion, education and politics. Educated godless liberals with large vocabularies, it seems, enjoy a beverage more than most.
This just in – Educated godless liberals with large vocabularies AND a house guest affectionately known as Hooch McD enjoy beverages EVEN MORE than most. Add in another handful of girlfriends, and suddenly the previously mentioned godless liberal has consumed many beverages in rapid succession and can’t figure out how her cell phone ended up in the dishwasher.
Not surprisingly, the course of conversation inevitably turned to (you guessed it) vaginas. (Speaking of vaginas, please tell me you watched Betty White on SNL this weekend. I’ve watched it four times already and I will never, ever get tired of hearing Betty talk about her muffin. EVER. I SO want to be Betty when I grow up.)
Amy: Are you still using the sex swing as a plant stand?
Diane: Currently it’s holding up the kayak.
Hooch McD: Is kayak a euphemism for muffin?
Me: Technically it is a boat…and you can fit small men in it. So I guess it is now.
Amy: Speaking of…what do you do when your man uses a name for your kayak that you just find completely…unattractive.
Me: Worse than Brunhilda?
Diane: You named Gwen’s vag Brunhilda?
Me: What? She has a thick accent. Amy, how bad can it be?
Amy: The Clam.
(The entire room shudders in horror.)
Diane: Just call his stuff something worse.
Me: Like “Mildred.” I don’t think the cat will mind. Seriously, “The Clam?” How exactly do you work that into foreplay? “Why don’t you cook up some linguine, ’cause the clam sauce is ready”
Diane: Just call it “the little guy.”
Me: Oh! Call him Tattoo! “Dah Clam, Boss – dah CLAM!!!”