Breaking news, Interwebz – Smart People Drink More Alcohol.
Some data fiend decided to see how data on drinking habits correlated with all sorts of other fun factors like religion, education and politics. Educated godless liberals with large vocabularies, it seems, enjoy a beverage more than most.
This just in – Educated godless liberals with large vocabularies AND a house guest affectionately known as Hooch McD enjoy beverages EVEN MORE than most. Add in another handful of girlfriends, and suddenly the previously mentioned godless liberal has consumed many beverages in rapid succession and can’t figure out how her cell phone ended up in the dishwasher.
Not surprisingly, the course of conversation inevitably turned to (you guessed it) vaginas. (Speaking of vaginas, please tell me you watched Betty White on SNL this weekend. I’ve watched it four times already and I will never, ever get tired of hearing Betty talk about her muffin. EVER. I SO want to be Betty when I grow up.)
Amy: Are you still using the sex swing as a plant stand?
Diane: Currently it’s holding up the kayak.
Hooch McD: Is kayak a euphemism for muffin?
Me: Technically it is a boat…and you can fit small men in it. So I guess it is now.
Amy: Speaking of…what do you do when your man uses a name for your kayak that you just find completely…unattractive.
Me: Worse than Brunhilda?
Diane: You named Gwen’s vag Brunhilda?
Me: What? She has a thick accent. Amy, how bad can it be?
Amy: The Clam.
(The entire room shudders in horror.)
Diane: Just call his stuff something worse.
Me: Like “Mildred.” I don’t think the cat will mind. Seriously, “The Clam?” How exactly do you work that into foreplay? “Why don’t you cook up some linguine, ’cause the clam sauce is ready”
Diane: Just call it “the little guy.”
Me: Oh! Call him Tattoo! “Dah Clam, Boss – dah CLAM!!!”
Hey baby, do you think “the midget” is up for wrestling with “the clam” tonight? That should fix it! Bwahahahahaha
.-= Wicked ShawnÂ´s last blog ..The Love Listâ€¦Because I Love Lists =-.
You’re going to try that line out later tonight, aren’t you?
O.K. the midget wrestling with the clam comment just out did Keeping You Awake’s dual screen porn thrusting jab from the other day.
How does this keep getting fucking better?
Tell me the answer to that.
I snuck back into A Vapid Blonde’s archives the other day and I thought I heard the female anatomy referred to as a hatchet wound or something like that.
Forgive me mother superior, I know we like to call them the bits and the parts.
.-= KellyÂ´s last blog ..Hanging It Up =-.
Oh the hatchet wound. Ugh. You’re right – that’s way worse than The Clam.
Never underestimate the power of the vagina, Kelly. They have more magic than unicorns and leprechauns combined!
Sausage Wallet? Yeah, hatchet wound is an oldy but goody!
I am gonna jam out with my clam out later!
.-= A Vapid BlondeÂ´s last blog ..Monday Is A Stupid Little Whore =-.
so the clam says to the shrimp, “why havent you introduced me to your brother the prawn sooner”?
(please forgive my limited vocabulary as i have not been drinking.)
.-= patty punkerÂ´s last blog ..iâ€™d show you my asshole but itâ€™s not pink enough =-.
That was a Sisqo song I’m pretty sure. “That prawn, prawn, prawn, prawn, prawn…”
Oh my fucking gawd…that was hilarious. I am so adding Kayak to the Dicktionary.
The clam sauce reference…..ewww.
.-= mepsipaxÂ´s last blog ..Tuesday…and I have taketh =-.
My kayak and I are very touched. Literally.
Oh…drunken girl vagina talk is most brilliant. Other night I was out with the girls having drinks and, of course, the conversation turned sexual. We were discussing the magic, or lack there of, of men’s fingers and it must of been intent because we didn’t realize our waiter was standing there, staring aghast, and hiding his hands behind his back. We ordered another round and when he delivered them we couldn’t refrain from commenting on his sexy man hands! He brought us another round on the house…
.-= JeaneÂ´s last blog ..BOOKS MAKE A DIFFERENCE =-.
Talking appreciatively about men’s hands scores free drinks?!? Quick, meet me at the bar!
It could be worse. Really. In my house the vajayjay is often referred to as “the Kooter” as in “do you want me to punch you in your kooter?” generally said after someone has been threatened with a “junk punch”. Yeah, we’re real intellectual over here.
.-= SpotÂ´s last blog ..The one where I discuss Motherhood and try to marry Sean off… =-.
I forgot about the kooter!
.-= KellyÂ´s last blog ..Hanging It Up =-.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that…
So long as “clam” isn’t short for “chlamydia,” you’re doing okay!
.-= Debra She Who SeeksÂ´s last blog ..Auntie Beehive’s Hard Life =-.
I prefer the term “flesh purse.” Then I don’t feel so weird keeping change in there.
.-= LibbyÂ´s last blog ..The Bright Side =-.
Does yours have a shoulder strap?
I don’t get your brother the prawn…and I have been drinking a lot
Coochie names are rarely flattering. In my case, neither are names for my boobs, most commonly dubbed by my husband as the “zu-lus” as in “shaka-zulus”
.-= carrie meadowsÂ´s last blog ..Bourbon Glazed Salmon =-.
I had a friend who caller her boobs Milli and Vanilli. You can imagine what type of boobs those were, right?
“Is it clamato when she’s on the rag, then?”
is what some ruffian-type person might say if someone of that sort happened to stumble in here. *sips tea*
.-= Steam Me Up, KidÂ´s last blog ..Chimp date. Also known as the time I stayed up super-late plucking my eyebrows just so they would look pretty through the eyeholes in a gas mask. =-.
Quite right. *dabs corners of mouth with lace napkin only to realize it’s a pair of dirty panties*
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