Welcome to the Clam House

Breaking news, Interwebz – Smart People Drink More Alcohol.

Some data fiend decided to see how data on drinking habits correlated with all sorts of other fun factors like religion, education and politics. Educated godless liberals with large vocabularies, it seems, enjoy a beverage more than most.

This just in – Educated godless liberals with large vocabularies AND a house guest affectionately known as Hooch McD enjoy beverages EVEN MORE than most.  Add in another handful of girlfriends, and suddenly the previously mentioned godless liberal has consumed many beverages in rapid succession and can’t figure out how her cell phone ended up in the dishwasher.


Not surprisingly, the course of conversation inevitably turned to (you guessed it) vaginas.  (Speaking of vaginas, please tell me you watched Betty White on SNL this weekend.  I’ve watched it four times already and I will never, ever get tired of hearing Betty talk about her muffin.  EVER.  I SO want to be Betty when I grow up.)

Amy:  Are you still using the sex swing as a plant stand?

Diane:  Currently it’s holding up the kayak.

Hooch McD:  Is kayak a euphemism for muffin?

Me:  Technically it is a boat…and you can fit small men in it.  So I guess it is now.

Amy:  Speaking of…what do you do when your man uses a name for your kayak that you just find completely…unattractive.

Me:  Worse than Brunhilda?

Gwen:  Hey!

Diane:  You named Gwen’s vag Brunhilda?

Me:  What?  She has a thick accent.  Amy, how bad can it be?

Amy:  The Clam.

(The entire room shudders in horror.)

Diane:  Just call his stuff something worse.

Me:  Like “Mildred.”  I don’t think the cat will mind.  Seriously, “The Clam?”  How exactly do you work that into foreplay?  “Why don’t you cook up some linguine, ’cause the clam sauce is ready”

Diane:  Just call it “the little guy.”

Me:  Oh!  Call him Tattoo!  “Dah Clam, Boss – dah CLAM!!!”


  1. O.K. the midget wrestling with the clam comment just out did Keeping You Awake’s dual screen porn thrusting jab from the other day.
    How does this keep getting fucking better?
    Tell me the answer to that.
    I snuck back into A Vapid Blonde’s archives the other day and I thought I heard the female anatomy referred to as a hatchet wound or something like that.
    Forgive me mother superior, I know we like to call them the bits and the parts.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Hanging It Up =-.

    1. Oh the hatchet wound. Ugh. You’re right – that’s way worse than The Clam.

      Never underestimate the power of the vagina, Kelly. They have more magic than unicorns and leprechauns combined!

  2. Oh…drunken girl vagina talk is most brilliant. Other night I was out with the girls having drinks and, of course, the conversation turned sexual. We were discussing the magic, or lack there of, of men’s fingers and it must of been intent because we didn’t realize our waiter was standing there, staring aghast, and hiding his hands behind his back. We ordered another round and when he delivered them we couldn’t refrain from commenting on his sexy man hands! He brought us another round on the house…
    .-= Jeane´s last blog ..BOOKS MAKE A DIFFERENCE =-.

  3. I don’t get your brother the prawn…and I have been drinking a lot

    of water.

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