Wedding Contract Riders

So back at an under appreciated old married hag of honor in the mud…

Gwen and I are butting heads.  For some reason, she just won’t embrace my vision for her wedding.  I mean, just who does she think her wedding day is all about?  I swear…

She’s turned down each and every one of my wedding dress suggestions.  She even turned down my proposed ensemble for Matt.  Frankly, I’m starting to worry she’s not just kidding when she says, “My wedding WILL NOT have a rodeo theme.”

I spent tens of exhausting minutes toiling on a website for the couple.  I showed my hard work to Gwen and she was pushing that delete button faster than you can say, “I’m not wearing a butt bow.”  Luckily I grabbed screen shots from a couple of my favorite pages before she yanked it all down.  Sadly, this was only a draft version and doesn’t include the beautiful photos I’d embellished.  (Tragic, I know.)

Click to enlarge
Click to enlarge

I know!  What’s not to love, right?  Well, I agree that the background should really have more of a red bandanna and hay feel to better complement the aforementioned rodeo theme for the event, but Gwen insisted we stick with her backup theme (as yet undefined but primarily black and white).  [Insert yawn here.]

Things really came to a head last weekend when Gwen had to sign the venue contract.  Since I used to plan events in my former life, she asked me to peruse the contract:

Me:  It says here, ‘There may be electrical limitations.  Please request details.’  You should be sure to ask for those.

Gwen:  Why?

Me:  Um, because we’re going to have electrical stuff.

Gwen:  They’ve done weddings before.  I don’t think Creamed Corn is going to use any crazy DJ equipment that’s going to require special electrical needs.

Me:  But what about all the other electrical needs?

Gwen:  A handful of lights isn’t going to be out of their comfort zone.

Me:  Two words, Gwenie – Mechanical Bull.

Gwen:  …

Me:  Come to think of it, we should probably check with those guys to see if the bull needs its own tent.

Gwen:  …

Me:  I think the bull is probably more important for the overall “feel” of the wedding than a silly ‘ol caterer.  If the bull requires its own tent, we’ll just kick the cooking peeps out.

Gwen:  …

Me:  You know, Matt is going to look GREAT in chaps.

Gwen:  Oh Matt WOULD look good in chaps.

So I of course took that to mean everything was back on track.  So I dusted off my green suede cowboy boots and set about my research, giggling wildly every time I clicked on a link that said “Find Mechanical Bulls Near You.”

I saw the final contract yesterday and can you guess what wasn’t mentioned even a single time?  *sigh*  I guess I’m going to have to go old school and hire this guy since he has no limitations, electrical or otherwise.

After all, I promised Gwen the best darn tootin’ rodeo themed wedding in the history of weddings and I plan to deliver.  Yippee kay yay, mother fuckers.

P.S.  Bedazzling leather is hard work.


  1. Hilarious!!

    Did you know that the number one reason for wedding cancellations is tension with the Mai…MAtron-of honor?
    It’s like that Seinfeld episode, where George is afraid that Jerry will upstage him on their double-date – the bride doesn’t need a MOH that’s funnier than she is! and all the stress is really bad for her complexion, too…

    Sorry, all the wedding blogs I read every day have seriously taken a toll on my sunshiny, happy-go-lucky humorous temper.
    (I can hear Paul guffawing in the background)

    1. Oh hell. You took her side. That’s just going to make her head even bigger, you know. NOW how the hell am I supposed to find a bronco and diamond tiara to fit on that massive dome?

  2. I refute that allegation with every fibre of my being!

    Moi? take the bride’s side?

    1. Well, the good news is with her continually swelling head she’s going to need to order a custom veil. 🙂 Then again, a veil isn’t very rodeo…

  3. And she calls herself a friend? With some folk it’s just all me, me, me, isn’t it? When the time comes round, make sure she finds someone else to plan her darn divorce party, eh?

    ps. Adore the tasteful wedding invites..

  4. I’ve actually ridden a mechanical bull. My dream was to do this while wearing assless chaps but sadly this was not to be.
    Apparently people think this kind of display is “tasteless”.
    For me it was the realization of a lifelong goal.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Rock Star Regret =-.

  5. Danny the Wonder Pony is gonna need to beef up by about 60 lbs if he plans on giving me a ride. He looks like he weighs in at about 130 lbs — he’ll never be able to support my girth.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Waiting" =-.

    1. Good point. I say you guys go all Woodstock and just storm the event. Mark your calendars! I’ll bring some powerbars for Wonder Pony.

  6. You…You…you’re good! This Rodeo wedding is going to be the party of the decade! Might I suggest tiny saddles as accessories for the ladies- sterling silver, of course. Is it okay if I wear chaps too? Or is that reserved for the grooms party? And do they have to be “western” chaps?

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