Viva Tequila

Dear Tequila,

I know this isn’t really a holiday in your honor, but you are how I chose to honor this holiday.  Technically, I use you to celebrate a lot of holidays.  Viva you.

I mean, what’s not to celebrate about you?  Remember that time Drew and I convinced Mom to do a couple of shots of you at that bar in Grand Central?  Then she howled a little and proceeded to lick the entire bar?  (And by bar, I don’t mean the long wooden architectural detail.  I mean the entire population of the bar.)  That was a good time, Tequila.  I couldn’t have done it without you.

Oh and what about that time I had one too many of your frothy elixirs of the gods a.k.a. margaritas, and poor Rocco kept asking us to keep it down a little.  At your prodding, I started pointing at random people in the bar and shouting, “That bitch can’t hear me.  That bitch can’t hear me.”  You practically jumped out of the glass and gave me a high five.  Rocco still holds a bit of a grudge against you for that night, Tequila.  But don’t worry, he could never hate you as much as he already hates vodka.

Weren’t you also there when Gwen traded shirts with sailors during Fleet Week and that time Thom dry humped an angry biker?  You’ve helped so many people, Tequila.  You really should have your very own holiday.  Then again, maybe Tequila Day should be like Earth Day – something we celebrate EVERY day.  I like the sound of that.

I’d like to apologize on behalf of human kind for that whole Tila Tequila thing.  She’s kind of the equivalent of our worm.  Let’s just call her payback for those miserable Pepe Lopez / Aristocrat hangovers in college.  I don’t know why we didn’t just plunk some straws in a bottle of rubbing alcohol rather than drink that stuff.  Wait, that really was miserable.  And all your fault.  Fuck you, Tequila.  Take all that nice stuff I said back.  I hope Tila gives you a raging case of crotch rot.

Damn, Tequila.  I didn’t mean that.  I don’t know what got into me.  Between this raging bout of PMS and knowing my melted blender is going to prohibit me from making frozen ‘ritas for lunch, I’m a bit short tempered.  I know, I shouldn’t take my frustrations out on you, Tequila.  After all, that’s what husbands are for.  Please forgive me, Tequila.

Whadya say we just let bygones be bygones and spend the day together.  Who needs a blender, anyway?  I always liked you just fine on the rocks.  I’ll get some tape and a sharpie and we’ll rename that Kleen Karafe a ‘Rita Receptacle.  Then we two can saunter down to the pier and enjoy this beautiful day together – your day.  Happy Cinco de Mayo, Tequila.

Your truly (unless I’m in the mood for wine, beer, or vodka),

Elly Lou


  1. Oh holy hell! I’m bff’s with Tequila too!! He’s made my life so much more fun. Like the time I took on the Russian Hockey Player because he called my sister a “slut”. No one calls my sister names but me! They had to pry my fingers off his neck. Then there was that time I made the commercial in the bar and forgot it…oh wait, that might have been vodka. But that whole weekend I spent blacked out/puking? Pure tequila. Go us!

    We should totally get together with our friend tequila sometime Elly. Just be sure to bring bail money. =]

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..The one where the Universe gets even with me. =-.

    1. Look, not to stir up some shit here – but last time I was hanging with Tequila, he called your sister a stone cold whore. Obviously you should show him who’s boss.

      1. Fucker! I’m going to go talk to that bottle of Jose in my pantry right now. (Secretly, I’m pretty sure he’ll sweet talk me out of my anger. I can’t stay mad at him for long. And about my sister…well…shoe, foot, sometimes it fits.)

        .-= Spot´s last blog ..The one where Radio Shack rocks my socks… =-.

  2. I always had a thing for Slammers. But then, I am an attention whore. I did it again. I really am going to need to seek help to find the root cause for my need to use the word whore so much lately. But anywho, yes, Slammers. So wonderful. The fizzing, the fact that the tequila is down before you taste it. The attention. The wonderfulness of it all. Damn, here I go. Laterz ya’ll. Elly has, once again, contributed to my bad behavior.
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Open Letter To Rielle Hunter =-.

    1. Screw the margaritas. I will instead whip up some random concoction involving tequila (and possibly non-dairy powdered creamer) and dub it whorejuice. This will be a great day in history I tell you.

  3. Ah. All is now clear. I understand why you nicknamed me “Intestinal Glitter.” Clearly, you had just begun to drink. If you’d had a few more shots of Tequila, you would have progressed to “Glitter Guts.” I should count my blessings, really.
    .-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..Mental Duck to Mental Swan Award =-.

  4. A. We should totally double-team Tequila. Tequila makes me fun. I have fun. I don’t know why everyone else is so tired and bored. I’m ready to party! It’s only 4:30 a.m.! Let’s go find another party! You know what else? We should get some food! Who’s driving? Yay! I have a crayon in my nose. Isn’t that hilarious?! Yay!

    B. We’re cycling together. I feel very close to you right now. *snuggle*
    .-= Sarah P´s last blog ..The Brain on Blog =-.

  5. I had a scorching love affair with vodka that lasted all of five hours before I put the brakes on our unruly passion and vomited him up into a hole I had dug in the sand with my own two hands.
    Tragic really, I haven’t seen him since.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Facebook Used In Devious Revenge Plot =-.

  6. Tequila is no friend of mine… he has kicked my a** too may times… I’m much better friends with his relative Barcardi x

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