Versatility (or Lack Thereof)

I’m woefully behind on my whoring, self-whoring that is.  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve received a few blogging awards and (not surprisingly) I’m way behind on acknowledging and responding to these jewels.

It’s not that I’m not incredibly grateful. I’m just a raving bitch.

Ask around.  It’s true.

First, Holly bestowed me with the Versatile Blogger Award.  Um, versatile?  I had to look up the word because I’ve never considered myself a versatile gal.  Maybe I was missing something.


  1. Capable of doing many things competently.
  2. Having varied uses or serving many functions: “The most versatile of vegetables is the tomato” (Craig Claiborne).
  3. Biology. Capable of moving freely in all directions, as the antenna of an insect, the toe of an owl, or the loosely attached anther of a flower.
  4. Variable or inconstant; changeable: a versatile temperament.

Definition one – um, no.  Well, unless drinking wine, watching TV, and playing the kazoo can be considered “things” I do “competently.”  Regardless, I’m not sure three things count as “many.”

Definition two – this seems a little closer.  I’ve been used as a door stop, a paper weight, a traffic cone, a directional sign…  If you someone to stand in one place and hold something, I’m your gal.  I’m versatile like that.

Definition three – ok now I see it.  This is about my attention span isn’t it?  Look, just because I tend to ramble a wee bit and occasionally loose track of what I’m saying doesn’t mean I forgot to have new keys made for the front door after the lock broke on Sunday and that means the keys in the lock-box for the realtors are wrong and I wonder if I should pull St Joe back out of the dirt which reminds me I should run my flip flops through the dishwasher again.  Where was I?

Definition four – AN OWL CAN MOVE HIS TOE IN ANY DIRECTION?!?!  How have I gone my whole life not knowing this?!?  I can’t decide if that’s awesome or disgusting.  Maybe both.  Kinda like Steve Buscemi…and marshmallows.

Crap.  Now I’m supposed to come up with seven things about me.  Like I haven’t already told you EVERYTHING about me in vivid, vagina-filled detail.  Fuck – here goes.

  • I have never spelled the word restaurant correctly on the first try.  (Not that time either.  Thank you, spell check.)
  • I also can’t spell hors d’Å“uvres.  That’s why I always just call them appetizers.  I happily eat them no matter what they’re called.  So long as they don’t have peppers.
  • I have to say righty tighty, lefty losey any time a screw driver is involved.
  • I also have to scream “butt cheeks is warm” if someone says the word “kielbasa.”  Don’t pretend like you don’t do it, too.
  • I not so secretly wish my toes moved in any and all directions like a bad ass owl.
  • I use the word vagina.  A lot.  Like a lot a lot.
  • Speaking of all things vagina, I once gave my brother a “Cunt Coloring Book” with a set of glitter crayons to simulate moisture.  I’m still waiting to find one of those bad boys on my fridge.

Holy crap this accepting awards thing is taking longer than I thought!  I’ll have to wait and get on that SubWow thing (TWSS) next week, but I think I can bang out (TWSS again!) one more award before I run away for the weekend.

KG loves my blog.  Obviously people in rural Alaska just don’t talk about vaginas enough.  So poor KG has to get her fix reading me.  Still, I’m always flattered to be included in a post alongside zombies and sparkly vampires.  For this one, I have to list ten things I love.

  • Wine10

Best. List. Ever.

I’m out of time so I’m not going to tag anybody.  Obviously I love every single blog over there (to your right) on my blogroll.  LOVE.  Visit them all.  Tell them they’re wonderful.  If I haven’t added you yet, it’s just because I’m lazy (and a raving bitch – see above) and you should yell at me and remind me.  That was a lot of ands.  Clearly I should have included, “Has a tendency to use run-on sentences,” in that list of Elly facts.

Don’t be afraid to tag yourself, too!  You can tag yourself all weekend long, even.  Ew.

Seriously – thanks KG and Holly!  Your margaritas are in the mail.


  1. I cant spell either.
    My grammar is well it is what is is. Don’t even mention my punctuation and run on sentences.

    See?? I’m versatile too……. just like you. Thats why you got the award!
    Im also a poet, just in case you didnt already know it.

    .-= Holly B´s last blog ..Really… It’s Not You, Its Me. =-.

  2. Ha ha! I haven’t thought of the Cunt Coloring Book in YEARS! If memory serves, it was created by the lesbian photographer Tee Corrine, based on her photos of you guessed it. I always liked Tee Corrine’s work.
    .-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..Brokeback Mountain =-.

  3. Bad ass owl. I also did not know that. There are a lot of things I don’t know. What would be even more bad ass is if Steve Buscemi can move his eyes in different directions like clock wise along with the eye ball. No?

    Your butt cheeks are warm? Every time I touch mine they’re cold. I am touching mine right now. Well not now, but I just did. My god what is wrong with me?
    .-= Virginia´s last blog ..The fuck? I forgot my title earlier. Numbskull. =-.

  4. 1.) Wine to the 10th power (i can’t superscript in comments) IS the best list ever!

    304) holy shit, i can put my flip-flops in the dishwasher? this is useful information!

    iv.) the steve buscemi awesome or disgusting analogy – pure gold! but he’s mostly awesome.

    k.) i always have to sing the alphabet to know where a letter falls or what comes before or after it.

    *glitter crayons to simulate moisture – you’re my hero!
    .-= pattypunker´s last blog ..plastic joy award =-.

    1. I love your new numbering system. I don’t remember who’s blog I saw you do it on previously, but it made me giggle madly. As you usually do. *slurp*

  5. Buggy. I am not sure how this happened. Something happened. I do not know if the first time I went on your blog you were in a serious mode…I’m not sure. But I had a perception of you as someone who may not appreciate my blog due to my occasional swearing.?..? and ever present cynicism. What the hell happened? Anyway. God, this was just so funny.

    1. I have a serious mode? Wait, of course I do. I’m captain serious. And I never curse or talk about lady bits. And I stick out my pinky when I drink from tea cups on their little matching saucers. And I never ever get jello stuck on my halo.

  6. I so need to remember that righty tighty, lefty… oh, what was it now? I will learn it though and practise it… and if Max leaves his cage long enough I may dismantle it and say it was your fault… and for anyone reading this wondering why I keep Max in a cage – it’s because he was bad!
    .-= Eternally Distracted´s last blog ..Living with a gay Cockatoo =-.

  7. Bugger the toe, I want versatile boobs that I can wizz tassels around on, mind you they’d be mighty tiny tassels, but they would be spectacular! Really where else can you go for decent vagina banter these days, you are providing a public service, you should get some sort of vagie medal to add to your blog awards.
    .-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Fabulous Friday: Glitter Dreams & Dorothy Shoes =-.

  8. I’m sort of an English teacher sometimes and that one sentence where you talk about how you sometimes write run-on sentences is actually NOT a run-on, so don’t sweat it; but HEY WHY THE FUCK AREN’T I ON YOUR BLOGROLL? (You told me to yell). Which reminds me that before I hassle others about that I should probably pay attention to my own rudely thin blogroll. I’ll do that next.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..Don’t tell my wife I said this =-.

  9. I’ve got to start featuring my own versatility more heavily on my blog so I can get one of these.
    That picture of me marinating lamb while sitting with my legs pulled behind my neck and ironing a pile of clothes should do it.
    Also, I’ve handled more than one god of rock at a time so that must count for something.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..These are the Dave’s I Know =-.

  10. The secret is in the special sauce.
    Now, turning the spotlight back onto me and my lame attempts at versatility….
    I am currently;
    Sipping second glass of red wine.
    Watching my pot roast come to a low simmer.
    Squirting my kids with a garden hose due to high temps.
    Harrasing Keeping You Awake.
    Watching the World Cup.
    Itching my left armpit.
    Hanging out here at your blog indefinately.
    Oh also..I’m sitting next to one of those Deluxe Edition Smart Globes and it just showed me the exact location of the Pitcairn Islands.

    Way to be VERSATILE while drinking!
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..These are the Dave’s I Know =-.

  11. Congratulations!!! And how do I love thee, let me count the ways…

    “For this one, I have to list ten things I love.

    Best. List. Ever.” X 10

    Does that get us to 100??!!
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Sundays In My City =-.

  12. I need to come back to reassure you of your versatility. I laughed and I cried. But no matter what, you have the purest of heart.

    Now… to change the atmosphere… WHY is it that I immediately though of versatility in “POSITIONS” when I saw the word on your blog?!
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Sundays In My City =-.

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