Vattooing (I Can’t Make This Shit Up)

Hindsight is a bitch.  I thought I really nailed that bachelorette thing, what with the pole dancing and mechanical bull riding.  I thought I had that “Best Bridesmaid Ever” title on lock down.

Until today.

Because if I was truly worthy of the title, I would have found this spa sooner and booked an appointment for the bride-to-be.

Vajazzling is so 2009.  This fall it’s all about the Vattoo.

Vattooing: An airbrush tattoo applied directly after a completely bare bikini wax, Vattooing lets you live dangerously temporarily.

(Yes Mom, I’m about to insert a picture of a vagina here.  To be fair, it really doesn’t look like a vagina.  Not that I spend a whole lot of time looking at vaginas.  I just talk about them a lot.  Tell Dad “hi” for me!  Oh and p.s., vagina.)

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Get Vattoed

Because sometimes your uterus gets hot and needs it’s own red and yellow sweatband.

Rocco walked in as I was reading this article about the process.  “Is that Willie Nelson?” he asked.

“Sort of.  If Willie Nelson was a vagina, he would look like this.”

“That’s a vagina?”

“It was a vagina.  Now it’s Willie Nelson.”

“So if that gal gets waxed, Willie will have the deepest cleft chin in the history of mankind.”

“I wonder if they would do Jesus…”

But seriously, how awesome would it be for Matt to whip off Gwen’s nightie on the honeymoon only to find Captain Jack Sparrow winking at him?


  1. Oh, man…that’s intense. It looks like Jesus in a Jane Fonda sweatband. I think having my vag look like Jesus might mess with me in profound ways.

  2. Just trying to think of famous men with beards that you could get vattoo’d . . . hmmm, Karl Marx, Che Guevara, Dr. Andrew Weil, Santa Claus . . . .

    Sorry, I’m still partial to vajazzling. Glitter and jewels rock!

  3. I think there should be a good alternative. Wonder if there’s an option for guys already…

    [Google image search for “penis tattoo”]

    Oh god, my eyes!!! I’ve changed my mind! I want Willie Nelson eating a hot dog!!!

      1. Oh-to-the-m-effin’-yeah! Someone’s totally getting that as a gift. Man, sometimes I try to imagine the world you live in where penises and vaginas are everywhere in plain sight and some are hidden behind masks of old country singers.

        (or maybe Don King smoking a cigar)

  4. I think I am going to set myself on fire now. Kidding.
    What the hell, I will go along with Debra and have Karl Marx tatooed on my vagina or maybe Max Weber.

  5. Umm, what? No. Nope. Never. I have enough trouble finding a worthy suitor. I can only imagine: We finally get to the magic moment and he takes one look and, well, probably throws up.

    What guy could stand sticking his willy into Willie?

  6. i’d so vattoo. not some scraggly-ass beard but a giant butterfly, hell yeah. and captain jack sparrow can kiss my butterfly. ever so gently on the wings of course.

  7. Okay…..just a couple of things. One, that girl up there…she definitely has the Tommy Chong vagina vattoo going on. I can’t believe you don’t see that!!! WTF, peeps??!!!

    Also, I am looking for a local vattoo artist RIGHT now. OMJ, I am so excited. I am thinking dragonfly. No, wait, maybe Starry Night…that would seriously fuck with somebody’s head. LOL Oh, the possibilities.

    Also, this gives whole new meaning to what I am about to type. *blissed out vagina face*

  8. Ok. This whole thread is way too witty and I am way too drunk. Discuss amongst yourselves. Thanks for the bearded lady and let me know when she sings.

  9. I was waiting for a Moses comment, but I guess that isn’t happening…. How about Noah. Or how about I leave the bible out of this?

  10. Hey that dude looks like the vaginal spawn of Willie and John McEnroe. Or dare I say, Gary Oldman in a character role as a 1970s guru.

    Also, in part two of stating the obvious, does that chick have grey pubes?

      1. You know, I can honestly say I’ve never been hot for Gary Oldman, however if he disguised himself as an old mangina….nope, still not hot for Gary Oldman. Sorry man.

  11. My God, how did I miss this? I was going to remain speechless, because I spent so much time gazing at the actual artistry that went into this that I felt it would be the most fitting tribute (silence, I mean).
    Now, I’ve ceased to care about that and I’m thinking of all the celebrity variations.
    Ewan McGregor.

    1. What about Brad Pitt during the unfortunate bearded phase.

      In other news, it turns out unfortunated isn’t a word. I’m a regular Sarah Palin over here.

  12. “Hey, honey. How about a little something-something?”

    “I’m sorry. You’re going to have to talk to Willy first.”

    Oh. my.

  13. Perhaps that hot chick from LA Ink could invent a male version involving elephants? 😀

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