My throat feels like I blew a porcupine. I’m sure there is some magic concoction I can create with my impressive collection of pharmaceuticals that can cure me of this weird cold/allergy attack/migraine/triskaidekaphobia/hang nail, but I just haven’t found it yet.
*forehead bounces off desk*
I’ve been thinking a lot about Vaseline lately.
I don’t think I’m going to tell you why. I think it’s more fun this way. Then again, that could be the narcotics speaking. (They do, you know – in a Jamaican accent – but sometimes they roll their r’s just for fun.)
But all these Vaseline thoughts have me rather distracted. And I can’t really think about anything to write about other than Vaseline. Also, the word is fun to say – vassss-ahhhh-leeeen.
I’m pretty sure it’s weird to write an entire post about Vaseline.
I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to stop me.
In other news, I went bra shopping with Bridezilla the other day. She needed a corset thing for under her Gown de Butt Bow. I spent over eight hours wrangling her boobs into white, lace torture devices and staring at her nipples. Now I can’t stop singing Ta-ra-ra-Bustier. Also I have wicked blisters on my fingers from all those tiny metal hooks.
There, now I don’t have to worry about the ENTIRE post being about Vaseline.
Which obviously brings us back to…
Other people are fascinated by Vaseline, too. You should probably just take my word for it. An internet search for Vaseline turns up some pretty disturbing results. (Man are you people lucky I do these things FOR you.) Since I’d like you all to still have a little faith in humanity, I won’t share ANY of those links. Instead, I’ll just share my favorite songs about Vaseline.
I wonder if St. Joe would respond well to a few carefully selected pills…
Also? Please don’t tell me how you use Vaseline. I’ve seen enough for one day.
“My throat feels like I blew a porcupine.”
I love you.
“I’m pretty sure it’s weird to write an entire post about Vaseline.
I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to stop me.”
No, I mean really for real.
“Also? Please don’t tell me how you use Vaseline. I’ve seen enough for one day.”
*sing-songy* Oka-ay, but it involves you-ou.
(Too creepy? Not enough? Lemme know.)
.-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Rainbows and Labyrinth =-.
*reaches for the Vaseline*
You have REALLY got to get over your sexual attraction to woodland creatures. It was cute once but man, now it’s just pathetic.
.-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..Ooops, who HASN’T this happened to? =-.
I need an intervention. And some throat lozenges. HELP ME DEBRA!!
i want to suck face with you hard right now. i love your taste in music!
ps: best opening line eva.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..dear tipper gore, get a real cause this time around. =-.
Let me pick out these quills first, then game on!
Didn’t David Bowie have a song about Vaseline, something about he’s been putting out fire with VASELINE? Oh nevermind! its gasoline. Still though, pretty freakin’ cool to put out fire with VASELINE. Yeah, I am going to say that all night. Hey, Vaseline!
.-= Virginia´s last blog ..Lump on the Road 0 – Virginia – 1- No asshole drivers this week – Homicidal Tuesday…. =-.
Did we make out through some strange cosmic connection? Sore throat, stuffy head? I feel awful! Plus, I woke up this morning and there was bedazzled Vaseline by my bed! WTF???!!! Strangest thing of all? I just smiled at it and held it closely…..rocking back and forth….
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..I Accept That I Am An Average Person =-.
You gave me this horrid cold?
PS did you rock the Vaseline like Sexy Jesus?
Never make the mistake of grabbing the Vicks Vapo Rub thinking its the Vaseline. Juss saying =]
.-= Holly B´s last blog ..A Poor Excuse Is Better Than No Excuse & Other Mindless Ramblings =-.
You’re going to share the rest of that story, right? Pretty please? Tell me it involves drag queens!
A bedazzled jar of Vasoline? I think I may be in love with you, And hey if you want to go round blowing porcupines that’s your business, I’m not one to judge, though I reckon we could make a fortune on youtube if we videoed it.
.-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Fabulous Friday: Soylent Green Anyone?, World Environment Day June 5th =-.
I and the other members of The League of Closeted Porcupine Blowers thank you for your unwavering support.
I love me some Elastica. What ever happened to them?
Great post!
.-= beta dad´s last blog ..A Father’s Day gift from The Bono and me to the world =-.
thanks to you, our toilet will remain dirty as i used allotted time to read some of the more specialized uses for vazLeene. easy to mentally add, delete, or sub in words for perversity.
http://www.wackyuses.com/vaseline.html
.-= magda´s last blog ..Kindness: Pass it on (Note to Self) =-.
I don’t think you can clean a toilet with Vaseline.
No trust me, you will like this. I use Vaseline to keep the glitter stuck to my eyelids and not my face.
I mean, that’s what they sell it for, right?
.-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Friday’s Questions understand they are only tolerated out of habit and necessity. =-.
You win. That’s the best use I’ve heard YET!
I’m into Johnson’s Baby Oil, Vaseline’s filthier, dirtier, slipperyer wayward little sister.
9 out of 10 rock stars prefer baby oil and keep a ready supply on the tour bus.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Bizarre Coincidence or Cosmic Message In a Bottle? =-.
Lord knows I always defer to your knowledge of tour buses. And dirty stuff. And spelling. 🙂
I KNOW I messed up slipperyer, my guess is it should look something like “slipperier” but I’m just too lazy.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Bizarre Coincidence or Cosmic Message In a Bottle? =-.
I have to say that I prefer your much spellirightier version, personalily.
.-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..I Found a Dinosaur =-.
I totally need to come back here and watch the David Byrn/Morcheeba video…when it’s not this latge.
Also…FLAMING LIPS.
Done.
Also? commment luv can suck my dirty left big toe!
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Crocs Are Mean and Really Should Not Be Considered Shoes =-.
That is one shit hot looking tub of vaseline!
.-= Eternally Distracted´s last blog ..Cyclone Phet =-.
You know, I got really nervous there was going to be a Vaseline contest, and then I’d be like ‘defending’ so I’d have to do some freaked out Vaseline shit- and I was scared. Just scared.
Restraining order? Are you kidding me? I thought YOU’D have one on ME by now. OOH! I am feeling ‘restraining order’ contest….
.-= marymac´s last blog ..Sunday Bloody Mary (4) =-.
*slurp*
Now write a post combining vaseline and becoming the buffalo. The possibilities for slippery ox like mammals with hooves are ENDLESS.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Bizarre Coincidence or Cosmic Message In a Bottle? =-.
Porcupines don’t have quills by their junk. That was a homeless guy misusing hair gel.
.-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..I Found a Dinosaur =-.
I think his broken crack vile may have been involved, also.
“under the gown de butt” …. bahahhahaha
.-= Annah´s last blog ..CRAZY BITCH =-.