Vagina First

Apparently you people think I talk about vaginas a lot.  (Side note: it still drives me absolutely batty that vaginas is apparently not the actual plural of vagina.  For some reason I can’t bring myself to type vaginae.  So suck it, spell check – I’m going rogue.  But not in a Sarah Palin way.  She’s a vagina represidator.)

Anyway, back at a un-vattooed vagina in Hoboken.  I met Rocco and some of his co-workers for a quick drink the other night.  As I walked up, someone said, “This is the girl that writes about vaginas.”  I should really work that onto my business cards somehow.  As a result, one of the ladies regaled us with a recent conversation she had shared with her daughter.

“Mom, Dar pulled me down the stairs and I fell right on my vagina.”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“Why do I always fall vagina first?”

It was like a giant light bulb exploded in my cranium.  Fall vagina first?  I didn’t even know that was physically possible.  I fall all the time.  It’s kinda my thing.  But in my 4.697 gazillion falls (estimated) I have never fallen vagina first.

Had I known I had the option, I’m sure I would have spent way more of my Columbia Records days falling vagina first on the likes of Will Smith, Maxwell, and Joey McIntyre (NKOTB forevah!).  I would have somehow found a way on stage during the Police reunion tour so I could have “accidentally” impaled myself on Sting.  Justin Timberlake would have two more restraining orders – one against me and one against my gravitationally challenged vagina.

Oh the world of possibilities that suddenly opened before me (pun totally intended.)

I was pulled out of my reverie to hear the mom continue her story.  “So I told her, ‘I don’t know, honey, but you need to stop.'”

Hear me, little girl.  Ignore your mother.  Do not loose your gift.  Hone this exquisite and unique talent.  And then teach me.


  1. I fell vagina first soon after learning to ride a 10-speed bike. This is when I learned they make different bikes for men and for women and that girls should not ride their dad’s bicycles. (See also: how I damn near lost my virginity to an inanimate object.)

  2. Apropo bikes and vaginas – this reminds me of the ages old joke(well, I don’t know any other kind, really) about the nuns at the convent who got bicycles for their daily requirement of exercise before prayer time.
    Every day they arrived later and later to prayers and one day the mother abbess snapped and said “That’s IT!! We’re putting the seats back on the bikes!!

  3. I think if you can do the splits you could probably master falling vagina first! Although visions of all these suction problems are now in my head. All these acrobatic ladies suckered to the floor. Why do I think these things? There’s something wrong with me.

    Now if you want to injure your vagina, or at least bruise up your pubis, can I suggest the mechanical bull? OUCH.

    1. Ow. My side. Stop it. I keep hearing that schwleeewp noise in my head. You know, the one their kayaks make as they are pulled free of the linoleum? Sex. Aye.

    1. All this time refused to go sans panties for fear I’d fall and expose myself when I should have been honing my vagina first technique and embracing it the possible laps I could have been in!

      I learn SO much here!

  4. World record for vagina first falls…Go!

    Aw, wait, you can’t, can you? You’re married, aren’t you?

    Don’t you worry, woman! I’m ready to take one (or…you know, however many it takes) for the team.

  5. Vaginas isn’t plural for vagina? I don’t understand.
    One day I’m going to get up enough nerve to tell someone I fell vagina first in love with them. That is my goal.
    The bananna seat up the vagina case scenario isn’t all that uncommon. I do however, know someone that went vagina first into the METAL PETAL of her ten speed when she flipped over, taking the bike with her.

    1. OMG! Hilarious! Falling vagina first in love with someone just begs to be written into marriage vows! Stalker Jesus and Morgan Freeman would approve. How could they not?

      And damn! *shudder* Just damn on the ten-speed crotch!

      1. Or you could mix it up with “vagina over heels in love” or “head over vagina in love” the possibilities boggle the mind.
        Do you promise to always be true in sickness and in health?
        I do.
        To not be too tired for the occasional blow job in lieu of sex and to remain fully 100 % in love as when you fell, vagina first into this blissful union?
        I do.
        I now pronounce you man and wife.

Comments are closed.