Try Not To Hump Me

Let me preface this post by saying it’s all Steam Me Up Kid’s fault.  She started it.  That bitch.  She posted something on facebook about the free awesome makeover she did online, so I had to go and try it, too.  Because the allure of an orange pen can only last so long, you know?  And well…this happened:

All About the Lipstick

…and this happened, too.

Blue Shimmer is SO My Color

..and then I kinda couldn’t stop.


It’s taking all the personal restraint I possess to resist the urge to run across the street and buy me some blue eyeliner this very second instead of finishing this post.

So then I found the feature the TAAZ people call “Hot Looks.”  There they have all these celebrity looks pre-loaded, so you can click a picture of your favorite celebrity and you are instantly transformed into that celebrity!  (Don’t get too excited, Neil Patrick Harris isn’t an option.  *sigh*)

Allegedly, this is what I’d look like if I hired Carrie Underwood’s stylist:

And now I know what I’d look like if I’d stayed in North Carolina and opened a hair salon.

Next I clicked on Zoe Saldana, hoping that maybe they’d show me how stellar my ass could look:

I’m saving this look for Halloween.  Throw on some moccasins, gimme a leather dress, and my Pocahooker costume will be the envy of the neighborhood.

And here’s how the Charlize Theron look worked out for me:

Now that reminds me of someone…someone famous even…but definitely not Charlize Theron.  Oh I know who!!

Admit it, I’m totally right on that one.

Last but not least, I decided not to fight the trends anymore.  If fashion says Steve Buscemi eyes are where it’s at, then I too wanna be a chick with Steve Buscemeyes.

Well at least it wasn’t more Paula Deen licking things, right?


  1. Gah you look like you have deli meat on your eyes! Olive loaf.

    Have you seen the ones people are posting on my page? I get the giggles every time I scroll through. So funny. So much beauty!

    PS: Don’t think I didn’t notice that you’re on the toilet, missy. Tsk.

  2. Dude. Why are you pink? That may have contributed greatly to the Miss Piggy look. Did Barbie explode on your webcam?

    Also, I’m just writing the rest of today off. And playing with the virtual makeover site. Everyone should be grateful I have no blog to post these on.

  3. Oh no! ELLY! I had just forgotten about this after I had spent an hour on the site yesterday. I posted mine of facebook. But now I’ll have to go back and do a million more of them.

  4. First, you look lovely already.

    Second, blue eyeliner (and eyeshadow) looks amazing…when applied correctly. Especially on women with brown eyes.

    (This message has been brought to you by me – the part time makeup artist and full time busybody.)

  5. That’s so goddamn beautiful I want to cry. Can’t wait to try it out on myself. I wonder if there will be any change at all if I try on a Bette Middler look

    1. You can upload your photo and see what you’d look like with Kim Kardashian’s style, too. Don’t feel left out. Also please send me a copy of the result. Pretty please.

  6. Why, What skulduggery is this I ask ye?
    See how I snuck right back up in here and used it? Yes, I did.
    Your toilet looks comfortable.

    1. It might be time for some vision enhancement, my love. And no, that doesn’t mean running out into the street and plucking the eyes from the face of the next person that crosses your path. Or does it?

  7. Really, it’s all I can do not to climb up on my desk and hump my monitor. So I’m just gonna close my eyes and fantasize about the love child of Annette Benning and Steve Buscemi with frosty lips and eyes. And a lobster.

  8. Don’t take this the wrong way, but Blue Shimmer makes you look like they just discovered your corpse in the frozen meat locker after you’d been missing for a week. Not many people can rock that look but you can, cutie!

  9. Awesome. You look stylin’, chick!

    Actually, for reals, you ought to wear red lipstick more. It works!

    Hahaha, I’ve been laughing at the Steve Buscemi eyes stuff on the Chive all day. Hahaha!

    The North Carolina hair salon thing made me laugh out loud. “LOL” I said! 🙂

  10. I can’t condoe such skullduggery. I’ve always preferred Tomfoolery for obvious reasons. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to mashup Elly/ Rod Stewart!


  11. Thank you for bringing this into my life. Instead of wearing makeup and leaving the house, I’m going to use this site to send pictures of what I would look like IF I left the house. And then stay home. Yay!

  12. With the blonde clippy one you look just like someone I knew in college. With the pig nose you look just like me in college.

  13. I’m afraid that asking me not to hump you when you have on light blue lipstick, and wear your platinum locks like that is just far too much to request of me, love.~

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