Time to Strut

It’s crunch time for this wedding o’ the century and Gwatt have started to discuss music.  Obviously, I’ve already made the selections for the bull riding segment (basically this song on endless repeat), but the bride insists on focusing on the trivial things like walking down the aisle and the first dance.


If they would just burst out of the ground in cowboy-themed zombie regalia as I originally suggested, the song choices would just naturally fall into place.  It’s like they are TRYING to make this difficult.

So being the best old married hag in the history of weddings (this star system or any other) I have nobly put together a list of possible songs to play while the bride gallops staggers while moaning glides down the aisle.

Let’s keep in mind the requirements so that you all can judge appropriately.  It needs to be a song of beauty and of joy.  With the first note, everyone who’s ever met her should wistfully sigh, “Ah yes – GWEN.”  Most importantly, this is a swanky affair.  They’re going to have regular forks AND salad forks.  The song should be refined and graceful, just like Gwen.


Here’s the list.  Vote for your favorite in the comments.  Write in candidates are totally acceptable.

Since these kids are trying to keep things traditional, I don’t want to ignore the standards – like this classic from Queen.  Personally, I’d make it slightly edgier and go with Spinal Tap’s version of the same message.  Then again, I always chose Spinal Tap over Queen.  Maybe it’s because I go to eleven.  But it’s not MY wedding.  So Queen it is.

But I want Gwatt to think outside the box, maybe expose the congregation to some new music – like this number.  It’s a Dead Kennedy’s classic, but I chose a version by Nouvelle Vague.  Because Gwatt wants a classy affair and anything with a french name is automatically classy – like Menage a Trois Wine and Pepe Le Pew.

When I think Peaches, I automatically think of Miss Piggy.  But as I said before, we’re going for capital C Class here, people.  So I”m suggesting one of Peaches slightly lesser known songs because of it’s haunting lyrics and subtle imagery.  C-to-the-motherfucking-lass, baby.

My older (wiser?) brother Drew never passes up a chance to listen to Rick James, bitch!  His top pick really reminds me of Gwen in her college days.  I can’t wait to write my speech.

Thom got in on the action and, not wanting to ignore our southern roots, suggested Gwatt consider Skynard.  This was his recommendation.  If she takes my advice and enters on a sled pulled by six miniature ponies wearing white glittery cowboy hats and matching pony shoes, people might think the chorus is referencing the critters.

Am I missing any other jewels?  I mean, other than the entire catalog of Eazy-E?  (Which PS is also my stripper name.)

I, and my other refined bridespeople (one’s a dude – mostly), in recognition of our C-to-the-motherfucking-lass, will walk in to this song.  I may or may not be rocking that same hairstyle – TBD.


  1. If I have to pick a fat bottom girl song I would also pick the Spinal Tap version, although it may be more appropriate for the exiting song, being that it references sinking with his pink torpedo. I little more post-vows appropriate. On second thought, what about that song for the exit music, and everyone will be watching her ass as they walk out after her. I think the 3 times a lady song is very approp for the the “ladies” walking in. Fun John would agree I think. If I think of other songs, I will let you now.

  2. How bout “You Fuck Like My Dad” by Giant Drag. Followed closely by “Butterfly Kisses,” perhaps? Or a You Fuck Like My Dad/Butterfly Kisses mash-up?

    1. I like my mash-ups with banana, but you might be on to something here. I’m going to put that track on the xmas list I make every year for the fam.

  3. Hmm, I would like to suggest, maybe the Thriller song and the party can walk up the aisle dancing like zombies that is always a good crowd pleaser at a top notch wedding OR the one were a guy is singing “I’m to sexy for my shirt!” yeah. I ‘d go with those and in a pinch the peaches video will do.

    1. No, no, no – the GROOM enters to “I’m too sexy” and proceeds to strip during the processional. Why do you think I ordered all this extra vaseline?

  4. I don’t remember the song I walked down the aisle to. It was something by Bach. However, in my head “Another One Bites the Dust,” was on continuous replay.

    1. Awesome choice! Did you know your supposed to sing that song in your head while you do CPR compressions on someone? Doesn’t that seem a little….negative?

  5. No Prince on this list? His Purple majesty never fails to make a group of salad fork totin’ folks lose all inhibitions and break it out on the dance floor.

  6. Ok. Second spinal tap reference in 24 hours.. You here, me — over at Duf’s. I always sway to Neil Diamond.. Unless you don’t want a bunch of sweet Caroline hand holders.. Probably too close to Rod Stewart anyway. Stick with Tap.

    1. I like Neil. He gets a pass, and not just because he also appreciates glitter and sequins. Gwatt can save “Play Me” for the honeymoon.

  7. If I was ever the sort to get married, which would never happen unless it involved a lot of money and complete personal freedom and also David Tennant, I would have this as my leaving processional.

  8. It’s gotta be a toss up Between Fat Bottom Girls and Super freak. How about some sort of hip and happening re-mix?

    Or, what about “My Humps” Black Eyed Peas? Complete with boob pumps of course.

  9. Too Drunk To Fuck is a pretty fabulous song. I am partial to The Dead Kennedy’s version, but if you must class it up, I understand.

    Also, maybe throw a little Marilyn Manson, Sweet Dreams. You need something nice and romantic.

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