Thom Gets Old

The only thing better than drinking a pitcher of beer with my brother Thom is drinking a pitcher of beer with my brother Thom while we play with a cellphone some fool at our table left unattended.  That sentence seems awfully bold on second read.  To be perfectly honest there are probably a zillion things better than drinking cheap beer with Thom in Dirty Jersey  (like making caramel apples with NPH while enjoying Justin Timberlake’s naked private concert in the mountain cottage we all share, for example), but it’s still a good time.

I think Rocco started it years ago with the ghetto old flip phones of the 90’s.  His favorite game was to snag a friend’s phone and replace their name with the words “Low Battery.”  Then Thom visited and changed Rocco’s phone language to Mandarin.  It all went downhill from there.

If you spend any time with my little brother and you don’t have someone with the name Whorey McLovin’ in your address book, then Thom obviously doesn’t like you.  That or you never leave your phone sitting out on top of a table.  Odds are more likely for the first option though because that boy is not afraid to rifle through your bag.  Adding Whorey McLovin’ to your address book is Thom’s way of marking you as his territory.  You know how dogs pee on their favorite things?  Well, it’s just like that.  But dryer.  Usually.

Personally, I prefer to tweak the already existing address book entries of my victims.  I’d guess about a third of the students and faculty at the Stevens Institute of Technology have Thom’s phone number listed under either the name of their spouse, their significant other, or their mother.

You’d think people would learn to watch their phones a little closer, right?

Nope.  Just the other night while we dined on buffalo wings (Thom prefers to refer to them as “small portions of atrophied limbs dipped in extracts of peppers and dairy byproducts.”  Hard to believe he isn’t in marketing, right?), Thom managed to crank the cellphone shenanigans up a level.  It seems his new game is to snatch someone’s phone and text their mother, “How do you know if you have an Oedipal complex?”

It’s hard for me to believe he turns thirty-two today, too.  I just hope I’m there to witness the moment all things come full circle and he ends up texting himself his own Oedipal question.

Oh by the by, Thom – Creamed Corn picked this present out just for you.  (For those of you considering clicking that link, don’t.  Even I feel the need to scream NSFW!!!  Not even a little bit.  Screw work, it’s not safe for anyone who might consider consuming food or sleeping ever again.)

Happy Birthday, Little One.


  1. Happy birthday Thom aka Mr. SMH!

    Changing the name to Low Battery is genius, genius I say! Have you played with “Auto Correct” settings? That could be a lot of fun too.

  2. Okay, my jaw fell open at that last image, and I am not one to be easily shocked. WTF. Oh, in college, some friends and I started a stealing war, where we’d sneak into the others’ apartment and steal something of little value but great use. I started it by stealing their remote control. Three guys in a college apartment, no remote control. I drew the line when they snuck in while I was sleeping and stole my telephone. No cell phones back then.

  3. Thanks so much for this because if he screamed out Whorey McLovin’ on our wedding night it would have given me reason to pause, and I just HATE pausing.

    Happy Whorey McBirthday, to my Dearest Thom, who needs to come pee an engagement ring around me STAT!

  4. I knew there were good reasons I only take my phone out of my pocket when I’m actively using it.

    Other fun phone games–change the ringtone to something obscene/embarrassing. Most effective if the phone in question has a voice memo option that you can then convert to ringtone. Swap the names/numbers on the person’s parents and significant other.

  5. Not that I wish to admit this gave me any BAD ideas but I’m sure I saw a little light bulb hover just above my head for a moment there…

    I need to start with the phone pranks they sound fun.

    The most pranky, boring yet somehow still awesome thing I did was that thing when I changed the desktop image of my friend’s computer to a screenshot of the desktop of his computer putting all his real icons in a little folder in the corner so what he saw looked the same as always but was actually just the screenshot image, not the desktop itself. Of course, he couldn’t click on anything and thought his ‘puter had exploded with the gremlins. Sadly, I had to go do something before I could spill the beans and during that time he took it to Best Buy….


  6. This is exactly why my phone always stays in my pocket.

    I almost clicked the link before I read your warning about not clicking the link. Think I’ll err on the side of caution & wait till I get home from work.

  7. Did Tiger Woods have a drink with your brother right before Elin discovered the cellphone with the incriminating material on it? Thought so.

    P.S. I’m too skeered to click that link.

  8. Happy Birthday to Whorey McLovin’. Your Mom called, btw. She said to tell my Mom not to hold it against you. It’s just your oedipal complex texting. Evolution being what it is, we’ll probably all end up looking like Thom’s present one of these days. Just hairier.

  9. I can not stop laughing at that picture. There really is something wrong with me. It looks like a foot to me. But a fucked up.

    And the phone thing…My husband and I can’t stop changing the wall paper of our friednds phones to something like that foot er…big pile of love.

    Also their FB status is always fun to mess around with.

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