The Problem With Fall

I don’t understand why you people get so excited about Fall.  Sure, it has it’s positive qualities: apple picking, using the oven again, pretty colored leaves, Libra birthdays *fist bumps*.  But nobody ever talks about it’s dark side – the evil, putrid underbelly of this mistakenly beloved season.


If you ask me (not that you did, but that hasn’t managed to stop me yet), Fall is the seasonal equivalent of a Sunday.  Technically, Sunday is still part of the weekend.  You can sleep in.  You don’t have to go to work.  You could enjoy a nice brunch, watch the CBS Morning Show, or sleep off your Saturday debauchery.  But by about 2pm, if you’re anything like me (which means you secretly hope Jim Henson is cryogenically frozen somewhere and someone is cloning his brilliant muppet-producing brain) all you can think about is how much you’re dreading Monday and the hellish week ahead of you.  Am I right?

Unless your day job is to stare lovingly into Justin Timberlake’s eyes while he records tracks for the new album I like to pretend he’s working on, I’m right.  If by any chance that is your day job, call me.  I’m all about an internship.

So if we stick with this analogy, you might argue that it’s still only Sunday morning and I’m getting excessively anxious.  The thing is, I’m not exactly known for my patience.  So it might as well be 2pm (or even later!) and I can feel my ulcer developing already.

Here in the Northeast we’re enjoying Day 4 of buckets of rain.  In a few short months that will be buckets of snow.  SNOW.  (Boo, hiss – we hates it.)  And you know what that means.  Your favorite Elly, in a haze of fluffy white insanity, will be frantically waving around a letter opener while cackling maniacally and reciting her ABC’s, wearing her snow boots and every single sweater she owns simultaneously.

Winter doesn’t exactly bring out the best in me.

It also doesn’t help that I had to leave Mildred with the vet this morning.  She’s almost a little lady kitty now, so it’s time to have her uterus ripped out of her sweet furry belly.  It’s possible the lack of adorable is making me a wee bit sullen.

Oh I know, what will cheer us both up – the best moment ever in the history of the Cosby Show.  Ta-frickin’dah!


  1. I like loose fitting fall jackets that hide a myriad of flaws and heavy leather boots. That’s what I like about fall. That and cider.

    1. Long sleeves ARE way kinder to these wings o’ mine…and I DO love me some mulled wine…

      Ok I’ll play nice until Thanksgiving but then I’m going to start whining again. Consider yourself warned.

  2. While I cherish the thought of your crazy ass brandishing a letter opener (shaped like a unicorn horn, no doubt), cackling like a harpy and sporting layers of clothing a la Martin Prince in a swimming pool, I love winter! I loveses it!

    It’s Texas up in here and there have been Christmases where it was tank top and Daisy Duke weather! Not. Even. Kidding!

    Poor Mildred. I’m sure she’s got extra-uber-spoiling in her immediate future. 🙂

  3. I thought only teachers felt that way about Sundays. It doesn’t even count as weekend because it’s spent feeling sad about Monday. And Friday evening doesn’t count either because I’m so tired from the week that I fall asleep by 8. So basically Saturday is the only good day.

    Fall does give us winter-haters a feeling of dread. But at least fall smells good. And there’s candy. And pumpkin pie. Looks like I may need to pull out my larger-sized clothing already.

    1. And Saturday is the only day to get all your errands done, right? STAB STAB STAB. I love being unemployed. Everyday is Saturday. I may never work again. All I have to do is figure out a more effective way to sell my plasma.

  4. i’m so with you on all counts! i was just saying to my friend that this gross rainy weather and lack of light have brought on my S.A.D. and are making me dread winter. it gets worse for me every year. st john, you better be ready for my pale white ass cuz i’m coming and staying.

  5. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am right there with you! After 10/9 there is not much to look forward to other than snow. And snow gives me anxiety all mother fucking winter.

    For now the best thing about fall is indian summer.

  6. I hate Sundays. By the time the hangover ends, the Monday dread begins. I hate fall because by the time the beautiful leaves turn, the fucking cold weather arrives. What do I hate as much as the smell of ass in the morning, cold weather! Yep. Nuff said. The one bright spot to my winters? I LURV giving gifts!!!!!

    1. Man you are so lucky it only smells like ass in the morning where you live. It smells like ass here ALL DAY.
      Wait, what?
      Oh it’s ME that smells like ass. That explains a lot.

      1. Here it smells like ass at low tide. Or when they discover a body. Technically those both happen twice a day.

        I can’t imagine Shawn smells like ass anytime other than immediately after she’s been riding one.

  7. Oh Mildred. I hope by the time you read this you are cuddling with her. I guess there is no hope you’ll move to Chicago if you hate winter that much then… Oh the thought of parking in the city when there is snow… *shudder* Just holler and I’ll send booze.

  8. woot woot! Libra in the hoooooooooooouse!!!
    in truth i really DO like fall, just because i really dislike summer clothes, or lacktherof. i really love sweaters and coats and pants and socks and such, what can i say? summer doesn’t do much for my soft and pasty person, knowhamean?
    yet, i DO also get the fall as sunday analogy. we all know sunday is a total suckfest bc if you’re anything like me all you can think about is how you have to get back to “real life” the next day and thats a TOTAL boner-killer no matter how you dice it.
    and if we end up with HALF as much snow this year as we got last? imma seriously have to consider quitting this bitch and moving somewhere that DOESN’T experience the EXTREME version of all 4 seasons.
    not cool, jersey. NOT. COOL.

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