The Pitch Sitch

The conference was so much more than I ever dreamed. So much more. I’m still swooning and high and drunk and giddy….maybe even orgasmic. It was THAT good.

As I’m sure you already know, one of Erma’s most famous quotes is:

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.

So every meal? Cake. Breakfast buffet? Coffee cake. Lunch? Who needs a a place card when there’s a piece of cake? Dinner? WINE AND CAKE.

I found a new happy place. In Dayton, OH. Who knew?

And the only thing better than the surplus of cake was the people. That place was dripping with camaraderie, support, and genuine best wishes. Being there made me truly feel like I could do anything.


Like pitch Lymphomania in sixty seconds and convince a panel of judges that it’s not just a cancer memoir. That it’s funny and honest and important. That humor is compassion and art heals. 

Turns out I was right. I CAN do anything. With a roomful of supportive women behind me, I am a fucking force of nature. Apparently.

*deep breath*

*pinches self*

I’m not entirely sure what all that means, but I’m eager to find out. And I’m sure I’ll share all the tawdry details here because obvs. In the meantime, here’s the pitch I wrote. Just in case you want to tell all your agent friends about it. And I’ve also included SassyPieHole‘s video of me delirious and cursing seconds after winning:

What started out as an article on re-losing my virginity after battling cancer evolved into an exploration of how my family tackles life and death. And liquor. My memoir, Lymphomania, is essentially a love letter to them and covers OUR journey through my diagnosis at 31, treatment, recovery, and the next traumatic growth in my body – a fetus.

I’m certainly not the first to take the “Fuck Cancer” approach, but I’m probably the first to do so with such a volume of vagina jokes. And between those jokes is my truth and heart. I spared no honesty in this story.

This book is not about making light of cancer – it’s about finding the light in cancer. I think there’s humor in everything: life, death, war, peace, midget ponies…and especially cancer. Fortunately for me, I’m surrounded by friends and family that subscribe to the same theory.

The latest stats say one out of three people will be diagnosed with cancer in our lifetimes. Seeing as how I’ve already knocked that hurdle out of the way, you should probably pick me to be in your group of three. Consider it my little thank you and a bribe to convince you to help my book find a home.


  1. So proud of you! You are a cartload of cupcakes pulled by a dozen unicorns and more. I’m eagerly awaiting your book. Love.

  2. I don’t know if Dayton is my happy place…but I feel content that I’ve finally found my tribe. You are an amazing woman – and I’m glad I met you just as your star started to fly. I look forward to seeing exactly how high it can go.

  3. Whoop whoop! You and one Lilliputian pony in my circle of three beat the odds group!
    Forge ahead, fight! Win! Behead all those that stand in your way! Too far.sorry. Rolling it back.
    Anyway, let’s get this fucking book published now.

  4. You rocked it, Elly.
    I already told you what it meant to hear your pitch and your story, so I won’t repeat the mush here.
    The friend I told you about – the ten-year anniversary of his passing was this past Thursday. Remembering your words, your strength, and your awesomeness made the day all that much easier.
    I can’t wait to see what happens next!

    1. Hugs to you. Thank you so much for sharing your mush with me. I treasure mush. But don’t tell. I have a reputation as vulgar jokester to maintain, you know.

  5. Your book made me cry on a Transatlantic flight today. Like bawl. Then I was cracking up. Like “somebody get the air marshal” hysteria. It might have made CNN. I love you Els. Won’t be long now.

    1. And YOU wrote me a book worth of comments. You have such great instincts and insights. Thank you, thank you, thank you. *fingers crossed*

  6. I am so proud of you! You are better than a cartload of cupcakes pulled by a fleet of unicorns! I don’t know any agent, though I know some secret asian men. I can’t wait for one of them to publish your book and I can’t wait to be there at the book signing throwing glitters in the air while passing out cupcakes and wine! xxoo

  7. Okay, I’m gonna get a little mushy here.

    Dear Elly,
    You’re a bright light, a source of love and laughter to anyone lucky enough to be in your life.
    And I’m gonna help you promote the SHIT outta your book. Just you wait.


  8. This was indeed a kick ass pitch.
    You are one kick ass…naw, I won’t rhyme.
    But I’m damn glad to have met you, and can’t wait to read the book.

  9. I am honoured to say I was in the room for the original pitch. You knocked it out of the park, girl. Could not be more happy for you. Also loved that day we spent together touring the Erma sights of Dayton. The vision of you doubled over, with your jeans knee deep in the grassy mud, planting your camera for the perfect picture, will stay with me. Forever. So glad to say I knew you “Before.” Great things await you, Elly, and I can’t wait to see them unfold.

  10. Just discovered your blog and am so happy to be here, already laughed and cried, and am SO happy you won! Though I’m also not sure exactly what you won, but it feels like a pretty big deal.

    I’m looking forward to reading more about your journey and what lies ahead!

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