The Benefits of Breasts When Swimming

Hello.  My name is Magillicutty, but you can call me Maggie.  Everybody calls me Maggie.

Well, Gwen doesn’t call me Maggie.  In fact, she calls me Magillicunty.  I don’t think she likes me very much.  She’s probably just jealous because I have a Facebook account and she doesn’t.

Elly likes me though…like a whole lot.  She likes me so much that she has been racking her brain all weekend, trying to figure out how to keep me around.  After several nights of insomnia, a bottle of wine, and a bad case of blogger’s block, she asked me become a contributor to BugginWord.com.

We haven’t figured out what that means yet, exactly.  Mostly we giggled wildly while calling Gwen repeatedly and asking if her refrigerator is running.  (Maybe her dislike of me isn’t driven solely by the Facebook issue.)

Any ideas, Interwebz?  Should I write an advice column?  Should I comment on top news stories?  Should I be the antithesis of Martha Stewart and offer step by step instructions for thong bedazzling?  Seriously, send me suggestions.  You can comment on this post, email me, or friend me on Facebook and write it on my wall.  (I’d love to have more Facebook friends to make Gwen jealous.)

Should I randomly let you guys pick a blog topic each week?  ‘Cause that’s what I did this week.  After whining about blogger’s block, KeepingYouAwake suggested I write about “the benefits of breasts when swimming.”  So I jumped on board with the best of intentions.

And then I stopped.

Because I’m not entirely sure that breasts ARE beneficial when swimming.  As far as I can tell, they don’t even offer an advantage when swimming the breast stroke.  Come to think of it, I haven’t found breasts to be particularly beneficial for any damn thing other than occasionally scoring a free drink.

So I did what any girl would and searched for boobs and water on the Interwebz.  Apparently no one has published a quantitative analysis on the benefits of breasts when swimming.  I did, however, already finish my Christmas shopping for Elly’s three brothers.

Some of the resulting images (particularly the ones involving hot tubs and the photos of Tiger Wood’s ninety-seven alleged mistresses in Us Weekly) lead me to believe that augmented breasts could also double as personal flotation devices.  In that case, breasts are certainly beneficial when stranded in the middle of the ocean without a life preserver after being unceremoniously tossed from a yacht named “Privacy.”  However, that is not the same as being beneficial while swimming.

You’d think they would have covered this on Myth Busters already.

Boobs just aren’t very aerodynamic.  Wait, is it called something else when it involves water?  I asked Elly’s brother Drew.  He knows everything.

me: is it still called aerodynamic if its about fish?
DrewL: hydro
DrewL: unless they are flying
DrewL: but you can use aero
DrewL: no one cares
DrewL: they are just fish
DrewL: poor fish

Apparently I can still use aerodynamic.  Regardless of the prefix, boobs do not improve any type of dynamics.  Shit, unless you count social dynamics.  This is SO not going well.  KeepingYouAwake is never getting another award from BugginWord again, damnit.

Nothing that is built for speed has boobs.  Seriously, I dare you to name one thing.  Even the planes of the short lived Hooters airline were decidedly devoid of dairy pillows.  Don’t go trying to tell me headlights count, either.

I think we’ve proven two things with this post.  One – breasts are NOT beneficial when swimming.  Two – beyond a shadow of a doubt, this whole write-about-a-random-topic-someone-else-suggested-thing is NOT going well.

Now I’m starting to worry for my safety.  If I can’t convince Elly I can pull my own weight around here, she’s totally going to rub me out.  She lives in Jersey, for Christ’s sake.  Have you ever seen the Sopranos?  Hell, even those kids on Jersey Shore scare the bejeezus out of me.  Elly is going to off me and make it look like suicide.  She’ll probably even farm out the job.  She.  Knows.  People.

Quick, give me a reason to exist!