That’s Not a Snakeskin

Well according to Ryan, you guys like it when I keep you updated on current events.  That, my lovelies, is why I’m bringing this article to your attention.  It might even be better than the chick that got arrested for shaving her pubes while driving.  You’re welcome.

A Georgia woman said a weekend outing turned into a horrifying experience when her young grandson developed blisters after he found a used condom in their hotel room and put it in his mouth.

Suddenly being able to fit strange things in my mouth seems like a much less “magical” talent.

According to Carmen Jones, the incident happened on Aug. 1 at the Wyndham Gardens hotel in downtown Atlanta, where she had taken the boy and his cousin for a weekend of family fun.

“We wanted to do something for them for the weekend before they started school,” Jones said. “The plan was we were doing Six Flags on Saturday and the aquarium on Sunday.”

After a full day at the theme park on July 31, Jones said, the exhausted family returned to the hotel.

Jones said at first glance room 329 looked perfectly clean, except that there was no soap and no towels.

Then, she said, she noticed something more troubling. “I’m like, ‘Girl, you know, these sheets don’t smell clean,'” Jones said.

I have to interject again for a brief moment because a) probably the best quote included in a news article EVER and b) but they still slept in the stinky, unclean sheets?  The fuck!  Who does that?  *shudder*

The next morning, Jones said, she awoke to a horrifying scene.

“When I looked at my grandson, he had a used condom all down his throat — his tongue in it everything. And there was semen in the condom,” she said.

Jones immediately took the condom out of the boy’s mouth and called hotel management, she said.

Vomit.  If ever there was a time to wash your kid’s mouth out with soap, that was it.  I’m pretty much never, ever going to sleep again.  As if bed bugs weren’t enough to keep you out of hotels these days…


  1. Just in case you ever think to stay in a hotel ever again, let me share this…

    Between high school and college, I was a hotel maid for a month and a half – at one of those “off the highway” motels.

    One of the maids never liked to wait for the sheets to come back from the laundry, so she would just turn the sheets over to “put the clean side up”

    I shudder to this day… and no matter how nice the hotel, I am smelling those sheets before I touch them, and they had BETTER smell like fabric softener.

  2. I laughed aloud at the quote myself. 🙂 It should have been followed by: “She responded, ‘Oh no they di’nt!'”

    But the incident is icky. I mean I didn’t even want to eat a cookie for a few seconds there, that’s how bad it was.

    It’s okay though, my cookie lust has returned. I think I might be deficient in something. Cookies probably. Luckily I can cure that.

    1. I want to party with Grandma.

      I’m currently deficient in beer and cheesecake. I’m about to remedy that. You’ve saved me from destruction, yet again.

  3. “all down his throat — his tongue in it everything”

    Ok, really? “his tongue in it everything”?!?!?

    If I describe a wound to friends, they claim I’m being overly gross, who quotes a report like that? Nasty.

    Gag. I can’t even joke about this… Well, for a few minutes, anyway.

      1. Really. We do need to do that. I mean, who picks up something baggy and wet and puts it in their mouth? Really? I mean, really. Especially if it smells like semen and they get it all over their face?

        Wait. Cancel that. Carry on.

  4. Thanks from a girl staying in hotels quite a bit the next few weeks. At least I’m smart enough to think that the room doesn’t look clean. I think.

  5. First, I completely agree that it’s probably the best news quote ever.


    I was like fifteen before I …you know what? After thinking about it, it’s probably best that I stop right there.

  6. I very rarely lose my appetite (thus my large ass) but this literally made me put my snack down with no intention of going back to it. I’m going to save this post for those times when I know I shouldn’t have seconds of something or I need to step away from the cookie jar.

  7. *Pauses to swallow own vomit*

    And I thought it was bad when my son peeled gum from beneath a table at Outback and stuck it in his mouth …

    Fuck me, that’s gross.

  8. As a bonafide germ phob, I am shaking in my boots right now. I almost just threw up a little, I’m doing the Ace Ventura dry heave. Sweet Jesus that’s some nasty shit!

  9. I don’t mean to sound cynical, but I smell a shakedown nuisance suit — hey, insurance company, pay us a settlement and we’ll go away. No? Howzabout some really bad, graphic publicity then? I don’t believe a word of it.

  10. so the cousin’s condom slipped off when he was mouth-fucking the boy in his sleep. it happens.

    (sers what the fuck, me. i blame it on you, elly.)

  11. THEY STILL STAYED THERE AFTER THEY REALIZED THE SHEETS WERE DIRTY? Yeah, I think the condom in the mouth might be the least of that kid’s problems.

  12. I just don’t know who to slap, the grandmother or the child. But I will think about it and come back after I have once again showered.

    P.s. was the condom at least flavoured? Bubble gum for Jr. Oh no, I am going to burn in hell for that one.

  13. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Then I laughed. Mind you if you are willing to sleep in stinky sheets covered in $20 an hour ho juices, you have to expect that your grandkid may wake up with a pre-loved prophylactic as a pacifier.

  14. After I threw up in my mouth I needed to go and throw up for real. YIKES! Now that I have had a moment to recover, HOW OLD IS THAT KID? If he could go to Six Flags, I am pretty sure he’s over 6 years old. Ok. Ok. Don’t pass any judgement here… I will turn my attention to the hotel industry then…

    Ugh. You have all seen the TV special investigating hotels’ cleaning practices, right? I tried to put that out of my mind as I do travel for biz a lot. If I remember, I will hide my toothbrush when I leave the room for the day since I don’t need them to be mad about something and then decide to take revenge on me. Oh, have you ever thought about how dirty and disgusting the TV remote control in your hotel room could be?

Comments are closed.