When I’m not researching the latest in DIY projects for my vagina, I occasionally read books.
Oh fuck it, I’ll tell you about the book next week. I can’t NOT talk about this:
Blame KeepingYouAwake for this…jewel. He’s always on a quest to find male counterparts to the bevy of decorative options we ladies have for our bits. It’s like swarovski crystal envy or something.
Personally I have no interest in “bling for my fling.” Or in referring to my kayak as a “fling.” My vagina is not a verb. Wait…*awkward pause and rustling of fabric*…yup it’s definitely not a verb.
There’s another fifteen minutes of that infomercial over here if you really need to hear that Pussy Cat Doll doppleganger lady coo, “smell good, taste good, feel good, look fantastic,” another seventy-two times. Though that’s still less skeevy than her ending each segment with a little jiggle and the words, “your lovahhhh.” I keep waiting for Will Ferrell and Rachel Dracht to randomly appear.
Well I’m pleased to launch my own DIY vagina kit for the New Year – the Buggazzle. It contains a roll of duct tape, multi-colored pipe cleaners, and a baggie full of self-adhesive googly eyes. Don’t worry, KeepingYouAwake! It also works on twigs and berries! And if you order in the next fifteen minutes, I’ll mail it to you for the low, low price of $69.95. Act now and I’ll throw in a box of sharpie’s so you can write secret messages to your lovahhhh on your vulvahhhh.
Also if vajazzle is the melding of “vagina” and “bedazzle,” does anyone else wonder if this product was originally designed for another…um…area?
Damnit. I grossed myself out again. The end.
You know, I just got a call saying it’s time for my annual vagina violation appointment. And I always write a post about it (bitches wish they were this classy *snap*).
You’ve given me the best idea. I should put googley eyes on my…lips. Then he can be all uncomfortable…getting stared at and shit.
This is such a great idea! I always feel kind of bad for my OBGYN. This would be like a surprise treat for her!
Marry me. You and your googly-eyed vagina. Stat.
Here’s hoping your visit doesn’t result in you finally finding that lost spare set of house keys.
P.S. – For the first time ever…I’M FIRST! I’M FIRST! BOOYA!
Check Duf’s comment below: seeing as how you’re into being first, take a pic and earn yourself two whole dollars.
My vagina totally takes umbrage to that sign. It tells jokes and fancies itself quite the comedienne.
Agreed. I just feel like occasionally I should throw in a little something for the fellas. The two that read this anyway.
BugginWord: NOW WITH DICK JOKES!
“A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved into his pants.
Bartender says, ‘What’s that for?’
Pirate replies, ‘Arrrrgh! It’s driving me nuts!'”
I can’t wait to film my first infomercial. Imma use ALL your lines.
This infomercial must have the same director as those late night call-a-date ads. How amazing is this acting? How major is that woman’s makeup? And, since when is “presence” a euphemism for “boob job”?
The lack of duct tape is really where Tajazzle went wrong and why the Buggazzle is sure to outsell that sucker.
Heretofore I shall say, “Woof, look at the botched presence on that girl.”
I, too, have a system for ensuring that I smell and taste good at all times. I call it “Bathing Regularly”. As a bonus, it does not include a choking hazard.
That comment? Choking hazard. I now have feta cheese in my keyboard. Well done, ST.
Taint-Jazzle. That’s right, I just came out and said it. You know that would be rashy though, right?
Fine. I’ll be upfront. I’m wearing it right now.
I feel delicious.
I always wonder whether there are men who could lick themselves. Honored to know you sir.
I’m glad to be here. 🙂
Tears of horror and glee.
Now there’s feta cheese AND snot on my keyboard.
Feta comes from your nose?!? I always knew.
Damn it all to hell, I’m at work and can’t watch. Sigh. Working sucks..hire me please and I will help you duct tape vaginas and bedazzle taints all over the place.
It’s for the best. Trust me. The not watching it part…not bedazzling taints. That’s just WRONG.
By wrong, you mean, GREATEST. IDEA. EVER. Right?
Send a picture of THAT to Dufmanno.
Oh, Tajazzler! Where have you been all my life? Now that I know that I smell good, taste good and look good, I finally really feel like I am a possibility.
…..and we’re back to full circle. Which of course reminds me of crustaceans and the ever roomy vag of LiLo. You’re like an oracle, Beth. But less virginal. But way more virginal than LiLo.
Oracle, Svengali, Svangali, Oracle. Wait you two already know each other.
First person to post a photo with their bits adorned in googly eyes gets a dollar from me.
I’ll match that dollar. Also twenty points for having googly eyes lying around in your house. And by house I mean bedside drawer.
I’ma get dat dolla.
I’ll kick in a fiver if the pipe cleaners are used in an artistic way.
No, no-no-no. No, no. Please.
I started out laughing and then saw deep into the eyes of these lovelies pimping Vajazzle (gag) and thought, “When you’re too old for Vajazzle promos and pole dancing, what then, lovah?” That’s when I would have cried if I cared.
Tajazzle infomercials are where Tara Reid’s career goes to die. Probably.
For serious, a few of those Tajazzlers did look a bit like Ms. Reid. Maybe she’s the mad scientist behind it and made sure the actresses were cast in her image.
You know the first few seconds of that I was sure it was a skit or spoof of some sort but….IT IS NOT. What the fuckety? Your LOVAH is only going to be impressed by a sparkly fake diamond vajizzle if he’s ten years old and therefore shouldn’t even be looking at vajizzles. Any dude over twenty who appreciates a rhinestone heart anywhere at all, is gay.
Dude, no one needs to lose a rhinestone up in their bizness. I’m just saying. No one’s bizness needs to be dazzled, jazzled or frazzled and I’m damn sure a few sticky pieces of plastic glued to my arse aren’t going to give me the confidence to do anything except fret about where those little sharp shards are going to end up. Again, IN MY BIZNESS.
Lastly, dudes don’t care if your vajingle is RIPE with stinky oil and jewels, he just wants to know the fastest way to get his manroot up in there and scraping it off of Tajazzle parts doesn’t sound like the kind of friction he’s looking for.
I’ll stop now. I might explode.
I like it when you say BIZNESS. It makes me sing this song. You and Hamish should learn it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqZcYPEszN8
Goddamn it. It’s THURSDAY. I missed business time this week. 🙂 I love me some Conchords.
what about the ones that… i mean… even the vajazzle can’t spruce up? where is the market for those?? start at the bottom.. work your way up is what I say…
Funny, that’s what LiLo says, too.
Unfortunately my twig and Berries already have a set of eyes. *should get that checked out*
Oh. Dear. God.
You should stick two pieces of Chicklets gum on there and give it teeth.
sign me up for buggazle! oh luvvaah come and get your lady bug. (i’ll use the sharpie to provide directionals)
For the lady that doesn’t already have bugs in her snatch!
Which disqualifies LiLo, obviously!
I can’t watch the clip here. I’m preparing myself to be thoroughly horrified by it when I get home.
Oh yeah right. I sorta forget to say things like NSFW. Though really it isn’t that bad. There aren’t any actually lady bits. It’s just incredibly awkward.
And with so many other perfectly good uses for Swarovsky “elements”?
I’ll stick to nipple tassles and bejeweled clit rings, thanks.
You know, the non-crazy, socially acceptable shit.
Also, how is a dude saying “I was just so drawn to the flavoured potion she applied to her junk” meant to instill confidence?
– B x
They should have hired you to write the packaging. Amateurs.
You ever the The Bloodhound Gang’s Vagina song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHz8FV8VH8s&feature=related
And now I have a theme song. Hooray!
Does it come in two sizes? Regular, and LiLo?
You know the way to my heart, doncha Tom?
Through the Vajajay obviously.
Holy Crap, that’s it! Now I HAVE seen everything! LOL
duct tape – been there. googly eyes – kinky, but inventive. pipe cleaners: I draw the line (with the supplied sharpie) at pipe cleaners. first of all, how can you get more than one in there? second, I’m not inserting anything with a wire in it up my twig, and my berries weren’t designed to be choked with fuzzy wire ties, thankyouverymuch. Now, if you paid *me* 69.99 I might look into the more inventive ways of using pipe cleaners on big jim and the twins…
Is it sad that I actually considered that investment for a split second? Why yes. Yes it is.
It would be just plain wrong of me to ask a neighbor to take the photo……..right???
I would totally split the money with them.
You could also pay them in slightly used pipe cleaners.
Tajazzle…I love mine… it’s super -d-duper…hubby LOVES the rhinestones…. *wide eyed look* what? you mean you don’t use one too???
*crossing my legs*
Barb. You vixen! Who knew?
Soon I’m going to craft an intricate origami vagina out of my folded dollar bill slap two googly eyes on it and then give it to myself.
“Give it to myself” and “vagina” should always be in the same sentence together.
And here I thought Pajama Jeans would be my next purchase…
OK, check this out… my c-section scar is below my bikini line, and then I have another small scar dead center above it. Between the two of them they look like a nose and smiley mouth. Of course, they shaved all my curliques in the hospitals so when it started growing back in it looked like a… yep… a mustache! My plan was to GLUE ON GOOGLY EYES (how did you know?) and do video skits! I really wish I had followed up with that plan before the scars faded.
Can you say sexy?
This is cute and whacked, and totally nuts – best vid ever – so glad I popped by! Happy New Year, bonny lass, may you and your uke have the best year ever!
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