Thom:  What.

Me:  I need words for sperm.

Thom:  Damnit, Elly!  Why do you always call ME for these things?

Me:  You HAVE to be kidding me…

Thom:  Why don’t you call Mom?  Then you’d get a whole other post in addition to whatever you’re writing about now.*

Me:  I’m still sort of in trouble for the heroin thing.

Thom:  Fine – jism**, cock snot, jizz, baby batter, man protein, swimmies…

Me:  Slow down!

Thom:  …ejaculate, boy yogurt, spunk, ball cream, joy juice, love gravy…

Me:  Hang on, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

This is what you get when you google "water tower mayonnaise."

Thom:  …in general you can take any thick viscous substance, such as gravy, and affix other words to make them dirty.  For example. mayonnaise is viscous.  Water towers are somewhat phallic.  So the average person upon hearing “water tower mayonnaise” would automatically think of spooge.

Me:  I think that might be a bit of a stretch…

Thom:  Go ask Rocco.

Me:  He’s in town making sure dirty naked hippies don’t have to sing in the dark.

Thom:  Go ask your neighbor.

Me:  I’m not going to ask my neighbor what he thinks of when I say “water tower mayonnaise.”  His answer would most likely be “restraining order.”

Thom:  Suit yourself.

Me:  I think I’ve got more than enough for one little post.

*****Days Pass*****

Thom:  What.

Me:  It’s your favorite sister.

Thom:  Jugs, cans, tomatoes…

Me:  Huh?

Thom:  …gazongas, sweater puppies…

Me:  Oh.  I’m a little embarrassed to admit that actually IS why I’m calling.

*Yeah  – ’cause the conversations with my brothers are never post worthy…

**I’m not even going to tell you how long we spent on the phone trying to figure out if that was the correct spelling.


  1. “Boy yogurt, spunk, ball cream, joy juice, love gravy…” I’d love to see this as interpretive dance.

  2. Jizz is by far my favorite. I use it on almost a daily basis, which I should probably be ashamed to admit but that would requiring have shame to begin with, and I have none. just sayin.
    My friends and I have started using the phrase “Jizz in my pants” to describe cute boys and whatnot.

    for example:
    Me: hey, have you seen the new guy in the office?
    Twisted-friend-who-thinks-just-like-me: JIZZ IN MY PANTS!

  3. Dear Lurvbug,

    I personally would go for the baby batter. Okay, I laugh. Thanks for the freaking laugh out loud and dry heave at the same time. Not so good to do when in a meeting. Texting all the terms to my assistant. She will not be happy. I may be sitting in a sexual harassment seminar soon.

    .-= Virginia´s last blog ..Yeah I Vogued!!!… Post Glee and Californication =-.

  4. The best thing ever: the teacher next door to me heard the students saying “skeet” but didn’t know they were talking about (insert any of the above synonyms for sperm). So the teacher thought it was a funny word and would walk around all the time saying, “skeet, skeet” in front of his students. They couldn’t stop laughing, which amused him, so he would continue. Imagine your teacher walking around the classroom saying, “Spooge, man protein, cock snot . . .” for no apparent reason.

    Rule of thumb for teachers: NEVER repeat words that the students say if you don’t know exactly what they mean.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Wild World" =-.

  5. Sweater puppies always makes me feel mean, cause I’m keeping the poor puppies muzzled, and they just want to run and bounce around and play. They don’t care if they are saggy later. Gawd, I even feel slightly guilty making a joke about it.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..ANTM Cycle 14: Oh, the Humanity! =-.

    1. You know what they say about a well trained dog…

      Actually, I have no idea what they say about a well trained dog. This isn’t working out well for me at all.

  6. Spunk is my favorite. The word. Not the actual stuff. I mean because “cock snot” definitely sums that shit up. And I don’t care how many times I hear the line “it’s good for your complexion” I do not like that shit on my face.

    I’m glad you gave your mom a break on this one!

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Don’t drink and Wii… =-.

  7. I can’t help with masturbation cause I’ve been schooled that such things make you BLIND!
    Whatever you call it, I can tell you that I have been permanently damaged upon finding out that Natural Harvest has a collection of semen based recipes.
    This is what happens to me when I go to try and look up an alternative name for gism. BLECH!
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Doodles =-.

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