I’m Pretty Sure Swimsuit Models Are Sexy

I wandered in and out of the stacks inside Barnes and Nobles.  As I emerged from the photography aisle, I laid eyes on Rocco in the bargain section and started moving in his direction.

Out of nowhere, a tiny blur of yellow and black flew by me like a manic bee, halting suddenly in front of a tall display featuring the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.  The little Asian girl looked at the yellow bikini, then down at her dress, then back, comparing the similar shades of yellow.  As she whipped her head around to look at her father, a black fan of shining hair slapped the cardboard display.

Allegedly Not Sexy

“Daddy?” she began with her brows furrowed.   Confident she held his attention she turned back to face the blond model, following the line of the glossy abs with her finger.   “Is this sexy?”

“I….um…” he stammered as the little girl turned back to eye him warily.   I, of course, stopped moving and watched the whole thing unfold with my mouth gaping.   The father’s eyes darted wildly, sweeping the room to see who had overheard his daughter’s question.  We locked eyes.  I suspect I smirked a little.

His eyes returned to the impatient girl at his feet.  She tugged on his shirt hem with one hand, the other still stroked the magazine’s smooth surface.  “Daddy! Is this sexy?!”

As he stalled for time with nervous chuckles, he locked eyes with me again and shrugged.  “No?” he answered, still looking at me.

I’m sure I was smirking at this point.  I may or may not have also raised an eyebrow and moved my hands to my hips.   “Of course that’s not sexy.  Don’t be silly.”  He wrapped his large hand around hers and pulled her towards the children’s section, her chubby fingers still reaching for the magazine.

Now, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this guy is either divorced or gay because he totally misread me and the situation.  My smirks and defensive posturing were really out of amusement at the whole situation.  I was genuinely curious to see how he would respond, not trying to coach him from the sidelines.  That being said, he could have used some coaching.  I’m not sure that flat out lying to the girl was the way to go.

Then again, I’m not exactly your go to gal for parenting advice.   My uterus is on lockdown, nothing has ever sprung forth from these loins, so I’m not about to wax all philosophical on how a man should raise his daughter.  But I am a woman (at least as much of a woman as Lady Gaga) so it’s safe to assume that at some point I was a girl (even if never little).  She wanted an honest answer, plain and simple.  I think that precocious young thing instantly knew her father was lying.   Now how is she going to believe him when bigger issues roll around?  Can you imagine when that little flower hits puberty?  Dude is going to either internally rupture something or spend his days heavily armed.

Look, I’m a straight girl and I think that cover is pretty damned sexy.  If I had that body, I’d spend all day every day buck naked in the frozen food section of the busiest grocery store I could find blaring an NBA air horn.   (Ok that’s a damn lie.  I hate being cold.  You still get the point.)

I’d be astounded if someone genuinely said there was nothing sexy about that cover.  I suppose you could throw in some super femi-natzi stance of objectification and that whole scene, but I bet even those womyn could find SOMETHING sexy about the picture.   Regardless, I think “Of course that’s not sexy.  Don’t be silly.” was a horrid response.  I think the answer should have been, “Yes.  That’s one type of sexy and it appeals to some people.  Then again, some people find Rod Stewart sexy so there’s really no accounting for taste in this world.   Why don’t we go look at books about ponies?”

I think I know why no one asks me to babysit.


    1. When we were growing up, we had a set of silicon breast implants for toys. I have no idea why, but they were fantastically squishy and felt wonderful on the top of my head – like a clear, gelatinous beret.

  1. I am not the one to comment on this post, my 14 year old is completely undecided as to whether she will like boys or girls and I am perfectly fine with that. Which has set this sleepy little town on fucking fire!
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..A Wicked Heads Up =-.

  2. You can babysit my kids any day you want to. Of course, they’re pretty much past babysitting age and I’m pretty scared about the trouble you and Sean could cook up if left alone with your evil genius heads together…

    I think the answer you gave was spot on. (Hehe…spot on, because I’m spot. Get it?) Anyway, I’ve found that honesty and sarcasm mix well together and generally deflect children from the real point. This kind of misleading has worked well for me as a parent. Dude should not have lied. That girl will be telling the playground her dad is gay tomorrow. Those rumors are hard to shoot down at the PTA meetings.

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..I should have been a doctor, or at least played one on TV =-.

  3. I had to buy two issues of this magazine because my crazy kids took a sharpie and drew on the boobies and asses of every single swim suit model. They also blacked out the teeth and drew blood dripping from imaginary stab wounds on various parts of their undressed bodies.
    They thought this was absolutely hilarious.
    My husband did not.
    I bought a new copy.
    On a more serious note my five year old screamed “she’s hot” when he saw the cover model and asked why someone would wear their bra over their shoulders instead of on their boobies where it is supposed to be.
    I almost told him that in beautiful people world, boobies don’t fly south and hit the floor when undergarments are removed so they are allowed to frolic without such things.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Te Amo Tishy. =-.

    1. I think you twatted something about that, right? I remember giggling vividly, but you do that to me often.

      Almost told him? You can’t learn your appreciation of perky books too early. I’m pretty sure Keeping You Awake will back me up on this.

  4. That’s about as good as when my little sister ran through the mall asking my dad to buy her a G-string. She meant for her violin. We also went through a period where we were obsessed with The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas. There’s really nothing like a pair of seven and eleven year old girls boldly singing, “It’s just a little bitty pissant country place ….” Maybe the Easter picnic wasn’t the best place to showcase our impersonation of Dolly Parton.
    .-= Miss Spoken´s last blog ..Whore Mouth Almost Blows It … Again =-.

  5. I love your answer as it is the only right one.

    It’s not like she asked if she was a whore or anything. Since when is sexy a bad word? Assdad is worse.

    1. I’m pretty sure if she’d said whore I wouldn’t have been able to not laugh. Wait, are you saying whore is a bad word? Should I stop using it at the drugstore?

    1. My God. I’m so disappointed in myself. How could I have missed that?!?

      I bow to you, Debra. This is why you are the keeper of the vag.

  6. I suppose the only thing that would make the woman not sexy would be if she if had that body and didn’t feel sexy, which the father would have absolutely no way of proving thus making your point most liking correct. That is one type of sexy. Or, many people view that as sexy.

    I sort of want to stuff cake in her mouth, though.

  7. I’m thinking that if this kid knew the word “sexy” and could use it in context, she’s savvy enough to know that papa fibbed.

    Also, when in doubt with little kids, there’s always the whole “answer-a-question-with-a-question” thing: “Well, what do YOU think?” I would love to hear what this kiddo came up with. She sounds sassy.
    .-= Falling´s last blog ..This is Why I Don’t Get Invited to More Parties =-.

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