Suck That,

Have you ever wondered why the things in your bathroom sound so gross?  I don’t mean the noise an almost empty bottle of aloe vera makes when you attempt to squoosh the green remnants into your hand.  Nor do I mean the noise a kitten makes when falling into an open toilet and frantically trying to escape while simultaneously knocking your entire make-up bag into said toilet.  *sigh*

A few weeks ago, I read this post from M(fifteen o’s)g35 about his shampoo trying to kill him.  Now I can’t stop thinking about the word “shampoo.”  Every time I see it, I think of the ShamWow Guy’s feces.

Then I took a step back (while toweling off a soggy and angry kitten) and thought about the all-encompassing term for bathroom products – toiletries.  TOILET-ries.  Ries for the toilet.  Where the hell did that word come from?  I don’t even know what a rie is but I’m fairly certain my toilet doesn’t need one.

Because I’m actively avoiding dealing with the ever growing to-do list to my right, and I can’t focus on anything after consuming two cupcakes for breakfast, I decided we should learn more about ries.

According to Google, there are several forms of these toilet accessories.  Dude.  I don’t want ANY of those things in my toilet.

Resources for Infant Educarers – Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) was founded in 1978 by the late educator and infant specialist Magda Gerber and pediatric neurologist Tom Forrest, M.D.

I hate to tell you how dirty my toilet is at the moment.  I’m a little freaked out Mildred took a wee bath in there.  I definitely don’t think we should be tossing infants in that bad boy.  I don’t understand how one would educare a toilet baby anyway.  Also, should allegedly highly intelligent specialists really be using words like “educare?”

Reactive-ion etching – Reactive ion etching (RIE) is an etching technology used in microfabrication. It uses chemically reactive plasma to remove material deposited on wafers.

You know, that ring around my toilet bowl could probably qualify as “plasma.”  I wonder if I could scrape some of that plasma rie and use it to etch wafers, get all arts and crafts with my toiletries.  Thing is, I can only think of two kinds of wafers – communion and Nilla – and I’m pretty sure I have neither in my kitchen cabinets.

R.I.E.Respect Is Earned – Mixed Martial Arts Fighting League – RIE presents American Cage Warriors! Our next event is on June 19th at the Dulles Sports Plex. Open tryouts on June 18th, click here for more details!

Rocco always screams “Respect is Earned” before flushing the toilet, but I’m not sure that’s the type of Martial Arts these guys are promoting.  Cage fighting in my toilet.  I’m pretty sure I’ve had that dream before.  That’s why I’m trying not to mix Twizzlers and Sake right before bed anymore.

Ross International Enterprises – Alternative Physics and Conspiracy – Learn the REAL truth about who REALLY controls the ENTIRE world, known as the Shadow Government, New World Order, Global Union, Globilization, Money Masters

Oh never mind.  These guys are already full of shit.  My toilet is the perfect place for them.

I feel like I just proved the Pythagorean Theorem.  Feel free to resume your use of the word “toiletries” armed with the knowledge of it’s origination.  You’re welcome.


  1. I always knew that toilets were part of a shadow government making us bend to their porcelain ways. Well, this girl has had enough, I’m not serving THE MAN anymore. Bushes were good enough for Adam and Steve, then that’s what I’ll use. Cause I’m a rebel, yo.

    Wait, what are we talking about again?

  2. My cat, Her Royal Highness, fell in the toilet when she was a kitten too. Must be a rite of passage. Now she drinks out of it constantly and regards it as her own personal Big White Punchbowl.

  3. Everyone knows the Copeland clan rules the world, but all that aside I’m having trouble with the wafer portion of the Reactive Ion Etching too.
    I love Nilla wafers.

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