Suck It, Sally Field

Elly LononRandom thought, , , , , , , , , , , , 25 Comments

Imagine me about a foot shorter and hawking Boniva tablets, because I’m about to start screaming “You like me – you REALLY like me.”

My Hair Is Almost This Bad
My Hair Is Almost This Bad

The svelte, ridiculously attractive, tequila drinking wild woman over at I’m Just Saying is spreading some blogoshpere lovin’ with the I LOVE YOUR BLOG AWARD!  I think Magda might have been hitting that previously mentioned tequila a little too hard last night, because she picked my douchey little blog as one of her favorites.  If it wasn’t so early in the day, I’d have to do a shot myself in celebration.  I wonder what would happen if I poured it over my shredded wheat…

Wait…come to think of it; I don’t think I’ve ever read anything on her site about wallowing in a tequila induced stupor.  Now I’ve just gone and slandered her award-giving ass.  I’m the most gracious gal ever, eh?

Let’s recap.  Here it is, January 5th, and I’ve already reached the high point of the year.  This does not bode well for 2010.  So thanks, Magda, for setting me up for 360 more disappointing days that could not possibly live up to this moment.  I hope you’re happy.  Now we’re even on the whole implying you’re an alcoholic thing.

Back to the award!  I’d like to first thank my mom for finding Magda and bribing her to nominate my blog.  I’d also like to thank Sally up there for making me feel even more insecure about not having Michelle-Obama-Slash-1985-Sally-Field-Super-Ripped arms.  Lastly, I must thank all four of my readers (oh it’s five if you count Magda!) for your unfailing allegiance and blindness to grammatical errors.  It makes me all warm and fuzzy that you don’t have anything better to do with your time.  Smooches to you.

*Blink, Blink* For Me?!
*Blink, Blink* For Me?!

Now I must share the wealth and nominate seven other blogs (douche-itude optional) for the coveted and obviously prestigious I LOVE YOUR BLOG AWARD.  This is a lot of pressure, people.  The stress is making my teeth hurt.

  • Brilliant Sulk – Her kid listens to French Rap Music as part of her poop ritual.  I’m pretty sure I don’t need to say any more than that.
  • Mommy Wants Vodka – I know everyone and their mutant little brother that lives under the stairs is going to nominate Aunt Becky for this award, but I’m doing it anyway.  As much as I like to buck the system, I’d really rather buck Aunt Becky (insert Andrew Dice Clay-esque “Oh!” here).  You will too, after you try her on.  In fact, you’re totally going to leave me for her.  Damn.  Just come back and visit every now and again, k?
  • Steam Me Up, Kid – Speaking of Beckys, I just found another crazy one a few days ago.  This post had be laughing so hard I shartled the cat.  Now I have an excuse to share it with you guys.  Don’t panic Aunt Becky, you’re still tops on the scale of Beck-itude.
  • Dufmanno’s Blog – I covet Kelly’s mad surfing/photography skills.  She manages to somehow find the perfect image for each of her posts, totally setting the tone without saying a word.  I mean, I like it lots when she says words, too.  This isn’t going well.  Just trust me, she’s addictive.
  • The Adventures of Being a Dick – I can’t really explain it, but I guess I have to try.  I LOVE profanity.  I LOVE irreverence.  I LOVE snark.  I love reading these rants in the same way I love listening to Simon Cowell tell wannabees how very much they suck.  It really resonates with the totally cunty bitch that resides within me.  You should thank him.  I’d probably be even more offensive if I didn’t curse vicariously through him.
  • Booshy – Reading Jess ramble on is like stealing a glimpse at the diary of the cool girl you covet for your very own BFF and finding out that she’s even niftier than you thought…but with much better sentence structure that whatever that thing was.  Plus, she’s an older sibling that seriously tormented her little brother.  I respect that.  Lots.
  • Keeping You Awake – It’s a relatively new blog, but I’m already hooked.  Between Jon’s twattle tales and witty blog posts, I’m going to need a Depends undergarment to collect my leaking piddle…even if he does mock anyone over 30.  Fucker.

…and now I’m stopping.  Not because there aren’t five million other blogs I read religiously and that deserve bounties of awards, but because I’m already running late for a date with my shrink.  So please forgive me all you other beautiful bloggers that I have forsaken.  I’ll make it up to you with so many disturbing comments on your sites that you will banish me forever to your spam folder.

Comments

  1. Wow. I’m kind of speechless…except when I’m not. Like now.

    By the way? We can totally be BFF. Not because of the award…well, not…anyway…Yay! BFF!

    (and thank you)
    (for the award)

  2. I had already bookmarked everyone on your list when I saw the loser at the bottom. Now I’m getting all Sally Fields sobby.

    If anyone deserves an award, it’s you kid. That’s right, I said kid. See? I think people over 30 are young and hip. That’s right. Also attractive. And is that French perfume I smell. Why I do declare!

    Anyways, thanks for the list. I’ll be up all night reading. In essence, thanks for keeping me off the porn.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..I’m Casket Shopping =-.

  3. I lurv that you love cursing. So, I would like to thank the fuck out of you for nominating me for such a prestigious award. If I don’t win you can go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself. Wait? Is there a winner. Oh fuck it. Thanks. And you have inspired me to give an award. Look for a new post coming soon.
    Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Punching babies =-.

  5. Holy Shit I won something! Besides a sucker punch to the back of the head I mean.
    Do I get to put one of those badges on my page or do I have to steal it from someone first? How does this work?
    I should mention that my blog actually sucks balls before expectations get too high, but I’ll take validation any way I can get it. You rock!!!!!
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Clear and Present Danger =-.

    1. Some people are really into ball sucking…at least that’s what I found today in excessive web surfing. You can steal it right from me if you’d like! Magda lists out all the “guidelines” on her post ’cause she’s all OCD like that. I’ve never been good with rules. I am good at stealing, however.

  6. Ok first, your blog is not even one bit douchey…2nd, it is so undouchey that I must quote your Magillicutty Vagina Juice name on my next blog post (my husband apparently does not appreciate the sheer brilliance of this name as I do which makes me laugh even harder!) and 3rd….well, I should have a 3rd right? Nobody stops at two…o.k., 3rd…congratulations on a blog well done! (-:
    .-= mrsblogalot´s last blog ..January – The World’s Biggest Monday =-.

    1. Rocco didn’t think it was that funny either. That is why I’ve started calling him Douchey McDouchenstein. He doesn’t think that’s funny either. Lucky for him I laugh hard enough for the both of us.

  8. Shartled? Nice. And I was responsible for the shartling. Perfect.

    Thank you for the award, and Jesus, Sally WAS ripped. I was too young to care back then, but lawdy.

    1. I had a nightmare last night that she came and kicked my ass for mocking her. If it wasn’t for the damn Boniva, I probably could have taken her. Instead I ended up spitting my teeth into a napkin.

  9. Congratulations!!! You deserve it. Now I need to go make an award called “I LURV YOUR BLOG YOUR BLEEDING HEART BLIPPING LIBERAL”. I assume you wax your underarms? Just checking.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Chicken and Egg =-.

  10. Wait. Wait. Okay, better now…

    I had to dry my eyes because I’m weeping for joy. For you, because you’ve gotten an award (and so deserve it) and for me, because I’ve received this super awesome from you (and so deserve it) Should I give you my address? Otherwise you won’t know where to send my award. You know, the imported vaginal wrinkle cream from France. Yes, my vagina is wrinkly.

    Must admit, I’ve only read 3 of the other blogs you mentioned, but look forward to reading the others!
    .-= Amanda@BrilliantSulk´s last blog ..The Worst Invention Ever. Trust Me =-.

    1. Thank you for that comment. Just the other day Mom was complaining that every single post referenced a vagina. I was a little disappointed that I hadn’t managed to work the word in on this one, and then you swoop to the rescue with your wrinkly vag. Hooray!

    1. I can’t imagine you’ve got the time for shartling with all that pervy alphabet soup you’ve got going on. That takes time and dedication.

  12. Congrats, Shartle McShart!

    Although I still rate your stunning portraiture as No. 1 reason for getting up in the morning!

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