Today’s post is from the devastatingly beautiful, tube sock-swinging Kelly of Dufmanno fame. If I had to describe her with a single word, it would be “vagtacular.” Good thing I didn’t call her that BEFORE asking her to guest post, eh?
Leave aside for one second the question of WHY Elly let me guest post on her normally first rate blog and consider instead exactly HOW I’m going to pull it off.
Some of you may already know me as Elly’s vagaphobic friend who she took by the hand and walked step by step with during her ninety days in the “Leaving Catholic School Behind” self help desert.
At the end of our long arduous journey not only was I able to utter the proper anatomical term for the “bits and the parts” but I was swinging loose with words like “carpet”, “muff”, “bearded clam” and “hot liver in a vice”.
Also, yes I am aware that some of those are phrases NOT words but this type of red flag should give you further clues about the epic nature of my unworthiness and uncertainty about my skills.
It’s why I tend to wear out my welcome easily and after very little time
SO, when I heard it was about to get all vacant up in here due to wedding time frivolity, I snuck over to BugginWord , sat on Elly’s couch, lit a roaring fire in what I hope is her woodburing fireplace, pulled on this nice warm seemingly cashmere blanket and got ready to tell you a tale…….
Recently, I’ve noticed on more than one occasion that people are gathered around the rear of my minivan (yes, I have a minivan now, you can stop laughing) with furrowed brows and disapproving sneers when I come back to fetch my vehicle in its parking spot after a long shopping trip. Because I am a low life coward, I usually just keep walking past my own car until the brouhaha has subsided and then I slink back after they have tsk tsk’ed and walked away.
I have two bumper stickers that adhere to the Dodge Grand Caravan’s rear end, one is a pair of funny scissors with feet that dares kids to “run with me!” and another of a sweet wide eyed Mexican treat who implores other drivers to “Eat more Tacos!” He’s just a doll, with his big brown eyes and his gap toothed smile. I mean, WHO doesn’t LOVE tacos and cute doe eyed things?
My daughter and her hooligan friends are to blame for these adhesive slogans since I’ve never bought a bumper sticker in my entire life, but I didn’t protest the application of these seemingly harmless extras and drove merrily around for the better part of a year until THIS conversation.
Me: Ugggg, why are all these people staring with disapproval at those stupid stickers? I guess the scissor one is inappropriate if you’ve ever had a kid run with them and actually put out an eye like we all threaten.
Friend: You’re kidding right? You really think it’s the scissor one?
Me: Yes, how could anyone protest Mr. Taco? He’s so freaking cute!
Friend: Ummmm, how do I say this? Uh, Taco is another name for vagina.
Me: Yeah, but that little guy looks NOTHING like a vagina!
Friend: My best guess is that everyone thinks you are a carpet muncher who is encouraging everyone to get on the bandwagon.
Friend: That’s all I can think of.
Me: So I’ve been flying around town to drop kids off and pick kids up, to family functions, and talking to PRIESTS and NUNS and whatever the fuck else while flying my pseudo lesbian flag?
Friend: I think yes.
This evening I went outside to get rid of Mr. Taco and I couldn’t do it. He’s been through so much with me: Road trips, family outings, bringing dead bodies to the dump and hookers back to their rightful corner, like it or not we are in it for the long haul.
Just as I was feeling the pride and thinking of getting myself a rainbow flag another BETTER INFORMED friend let me know that Mr. Taco WAS NOT in fact asking the general population to eat more vaginas. All he wanted was for you to indulge in fine Mexican cuisine.
Come back soon Elly, I need your guidance!!!