Sometimes I’m Schmaltzy

When you open the door of your apartment to find your boxer-clad husband standing awkwardly with a kitten in one hand and a jar of some unknown substance in the other, the last thing you want to hear him say is, “Hold on, I was just blocking a hole that the cat just came out of.”

*blink, blink*

I took Mildred for her first ever checkup the other day.  Of course she went and tested positive for Feline Leukemia, the little bitch.  Of course I immediately threw up in my mouth and spent three days trying to fall at least the tiniest bit out of love with her.  Of course I couldn’t.  Have you seen that frickin’ face?

That still fits in my mouth, ps.

So we ran the test again and the little diva came back negative.  False alarm.  Obviously Rocco has already managed to pass on his flair for the dramatic to the tiny gato.  Next thing you know, they’ll be sharing tiaras and fighting over who gets top billing.

We had a few friends over the other night, and they demanded I prove that Mildred’s head fits in my mouth.  Fortunately, I’d just wolfed down a piece of parmesan cheese.  While I think stinky cheese makes my breath smell like I just blew a zombie, Mildred thinks it’s downright intoxicating.  She was twirling around my feet in anticipation.

People always think there’s some sort of intense preparation for our trick.  Really, it’s quite simple.  1 ) Pick up cat.  2 ) Open mouth.  3 ) Insert cat.  4 ) Pause for photos.  5 ) Remove cat.  6 ) Close mouth.  7 ) Pet cat.  8 ) Let the applause and admiration wash over you.

As I was signing autographs, one of the girls turned to Rocco and asked if he did it, too.  He paused dramatically before answering.  “I tried it once with Simone.”

“You did?”  I asked incredulously.  “I’ve never seen you do it.”

“Well,” he hesitated.  “I tried it when no one was around.”  He looked at the floor while the rest of us looked at each other with uncertainty.

“And?” someone finally asked.

“It was horrible,” Rocco whispered hoarsely.  His pitch slowly rose as he described the carnage.  “I took a deep breath then grabbed her with both hands and tried to work her head into my mouth.  She wasn’t having it.  Suddenly my head was surrounded by a mass of fur, teeth and claws.”  His voice lowered both in pitch and volume.  “I never tried it again.”

“Who’s a good kitty?” I thought to myself.

The similarities between the two cats are downright creepy.  I swear, sometimes I think Mildred is Simone reincarnated.  Not that I believe in reincarnation.  Not that I DON’T believe in reincarnation.  Wait, I can’t remember what I believe anymore.  Regardless, this kitten has me wondering.

Simone was a gorgeous cat.  Stunning.  (Not that I’m biased.)  Yet for some reason, I never painted nor sketched her over the course of her thirteen years.  Not once.  I took plenty of photos, but they were always disappointing.  They never captured her fierce heart or beauty.  If a photo couldn’t do it, how the hell were globs of paint going to?

But the other night, as I tried to stay distracted and ignore the very real possibility that I would have to put our newest mound of whiskered adorableness to sleep, look who showed up on my sketchpad:

Simone In Blue

Who’s a good kitty, indeed.


  1. First off I have to say what a relief it is to find out Im not the ONLY one that does the cat head thing in my mouth. I thought I was just weird. Thank you for putting that thought to rest for me.

    Secondly…. awwww kitty.kitty. Adorable. Lovely drawing too.
    .-= Holly B´s last blog ..How About A Nice Big Bowl Of Rabies? =-.

  2. We got a new kitten three weeks after the cat I had for 12 years died. Now I feel bad whenever I pet the new cat — especially because I think I like her more.

    1. I’m currently neglecting Lucy, my other cat, which I’m pretty sure makes me a super monster bitch. Simone would have wanted it that way.

  3. I had a kitten that had to be put down because of Feline Leukemia, it still makes me cry thinking about it. I am so so glad little Mildred is okay.

    I’ve never done the cat in mouth trick, but I used to have a little Pomeranian and when she was a baby I was playing with her while lying on my back and all the sudden her whole head was in my mouth. she may or may not have totally tongued my mouth. ((shudder))
    .-= KG´s last blog ..Over the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes! =-.

    1. I’m so sorry. I’m just so relieved I could puke all over again.

      So far the tonguing has been exclusively one-sided in our arrangement. Now I’m worried though…

  4. to think that you would blow a zombie just because mildred finds it intoxicating makes me love you all the more.

    way to say, “fuck you feline leukemia,” mildred!

    and simone in blue is very yves klein, a little-known favorite of mine.
    .-= pattypunker´s last blog ..plastic joy award =-.

    1. Seriously – could I adore you more? Beware I may tongue kiss you at Blogher. I’m assuming you’ve had your teeth professionally cleaned several times since the Rob interaction…

  5. My heart skipped a beat at the false alarm. Thank goodness! I’m just sorry that you must have had a horrible night waiting for the second test to come back clean. {{{hugs}}}

    Nice painting! Missy, you are so versatile!!! (And not just in “positions”… LOL)

    I actually feel bad for Rocco. Really. I didn’t snicker at all.
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Sundays In My City =-.

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