Snow, Swans, and WHY AM I SO STABBY?!?

Congratulate me.  I’ve achieved an entirely new level of cranky pants.  I blame winter and Natalie Portman.  Oh hell, why not blame Rod Stewart, too?  I haven’t yelled at that fucker in a while.

I saw Black Swan last night.  *turns frantically at the sound of rustling fabric, screams maniacally and grabs handset from fax machine to use as a weapon*  I’m still not ok.

Somehow seven hours of webfoot-filled nightmares did not leave me feeling relaxed and refreshed this morning.  And the only thing worse than waking up to a cat’s rectum rubbing your left nostril?  Why, it’s waking up with a cat’s rectum rubbing your left nostril, opening your eyes, and seeing an ass ton of snow outside your window after the shoe repair guy said he couldn’t possibly have your broken snow boots back to you until Friday at the earliest.


Fine, there are many things far worse than my morning but I’m sleepy and melodramatic and incredibly lucky that my husband’s handsaw is in a locked box at the moment.  He’s lucky, too.  Obviously.

*lifts handset menacingly*  Did you hear that?  Was that nail clippers?  Oh dear God SHE’S HERE.

Never mind, it was just Rocco.  The smell of encased meat should have been a clue.  Ballerinas never smell like encased meat.  Probably.  But then again, I’ve never taken the time to really stop and smell the ballerinas.

*stream of drool hits back of left hand*

Right.  I don’t seem to have anything coherent to say today so instead I’ll leave you with my new favorite cartoon.  Thanks to Sister Merry Hellish for sending it to me!


  1. Holy crap, was that movie messed up or what?! My wife asked me to watch it with her the other night & I wish I just went to bed instead.

  2. i’m dying to see that movie. i know i’m going to regret it, but it won’t be the first time i’ve ignored my better judgement.

    also, 7 inches more of snow here. i’ve been melodramatic and stabby too. to the point of alienating people. i wish i had a bitchy sister to just tell me to snap the fuck out of it and quit being a spoiled ass.

  3. I’m too big a chicken shit to see that movie. It would haunt me at night and lord knows I don’t sleep enough as it is. Plus I’m squeamish big time. I don’t need that ick factor in my life when I already have winter to deal with.

    I think we’re all stabby this week. Fuck winter in the ass.

  4. I haven’t seen that movie, but it sounds disturbing. Ever since your post about a Turducken back in November, I find waterfowl to be highly disturbing.

    OH MY GOD! It’s not a movie about someone stuffing a chicken, inside of a duck, inside of a swan is it? Is that the connection to the cartoon from Hellish? Please tell me that Natalie Portman isn’t the Swan! Poor Queen Amidala!

    Were the chicken and duck named Luke and Leia?

  5. I haven’t seen the movie yet, though I really want to. After years of ballet lessons, I’m sure I’ll be able to relate to her losing her mind. And having been pushed out a vagina myself, I can totally relate to the cartoon.

  6. I am stabby too, but I didn’t see Black Swan. Must be all the freaking snow.

    Or all of my freaking kids.

    Or some combination of the two.

  7. I really want to see this movie. I was surprisingly impressed with Mila Kunis in Book of Eli, so I kind of want to see what all the buzz is about in this movie.

  8. Not only was I shoved headfirst out a vagina, I then proceeded to shove things headfirst out my own vagina. Dignity is now up there with my dream of perky C cup boobs and my 20-year-old thighs.

  9. I LOVED THAT MOVIE. I haven’t experienced dementia like thet since “Repulsion” many decades ago (1965.) My ex and I saw Repulsion when we were dating. I was sitting there wallowing in the scary dark recesses of the human psyche, which is way better than drugs. He excused himself to go to the rest room. After he didn’t come back (which I never noticed), I found out that he passed out on the men’s room floor. Now, THAT’S proof positive of a great film.

  10. I’m not going anywhere NEAR that movie, nor am I buying a cat that has a rectum, nor am I coming over to your place for sausage or a manicure. All those things are out.

    And Renee Fisher needs to come with me next time I go on an airplane. That is when dimentia makes me pass out, too.

  11. I had no desire of watching that movie. Then I was told of a hint of what happened at the end. FREAKY! Still, not as bad as the Human Centipede, right? LOL

Comments are closed.