You Should Probably Skip This One

I keep trying not to write about this.  Because I know it’s not the sort of thing you’re supposed to say out loud.  But people, I say everything out loud.  And trying not to write about it makes it the only thing I think about which makes it impossible for me to write about anything else and I end up spending all day photoshop-ing photos of Paula Deen licking things.  So rather than building the website pauladeenlickingthings.com, I’m going to go ahead and just write this shit out.

If you want to read something fluffy instead, you can catch up on the latest Australian science over at Sprocket Ink.

You’ve been warned.

So.  Here’s the thing.  I hate being pregnant.

*cue gasps of horror and the sound of hundreds of clicking mice closing browser windows*

Look people, if I said I was deeply and passionately committed to losing twenty pounds, but that I hated dieting and exercise, no one would bat an eyelash.  But heaven forbid I say I hate being pregnant.  You should see the faces I get from people when I say it out loud.  Which is further proof I shouldn’t talk about this.

But I do.  It’s true.  I hate it.  I’m miserable and frightened most of the time.

See, I can’t stop thinking about the last time I had something growing in me.  That wasn’t very pleasant.

That growth made me tired and sick, too.  That growth made it hard for me to breathe, too.  That growth made my body ache and my skin itch, too.  And that growth still seems as unreal to me as this new one does now.

So I’m having a hard time settling into this and enjoying the “miracle of life.”

That growth seemed to double in size overnight, too.  That growth inspired friends and family to check on me constantly, too.  That growth involved a parade of doctor’s appointments, blood work and urine samples, too.  That growth made my stomach hurt, my heart ache, and my knees knock, too.

Now they want to put me on blood thinners.  Daily injections.  Then blood work once a week to make sure I’m clotting ok.

I hate blood thinners.  Been there.  Done that.

And I have a pee hat again.  To collect all my urine so I can pour it into a bright orange, mini gas can looking thing that I’m supposed to keep in my refrigerator.  IN MY REFRIGERATOR.  Instead of a box of wine, I have a box of pee.  At least with cancer, the pee collecting only happened in the hospital.

Did I mention the obstetrics department, where they do all my testing, is right next to the oncology ward?  That doesn’t give me flashbacks at all.  Nope.  Not a bit.

*sigh*  I can’t even take an advil to make this stress headache go away, dammit.

So as far as I can tell, pregnancy is just like cancer…but with a shit ton more hair.  That’s equally weird but in a very different way.  My eyebrows should have their own zip code at this point.  I’ve taken to tweezing my ‘stache on a daily basis.  This morning, when I lifted my arms in the shower, it looked like someone had glued used brillo pads in my arm pits.

And I’m not exactly losing weight, either.  I guess that’s another difference.  So I cling to those things to try and remind myself that it’s not the same thing.  That I’m not living through cancer again.  That this is supposed to be beautiful and happy and whatever fairy tale bullshit I’m supposed to be spouting.

But I keep thinking about how both types of growths have to get out of a body one way or another…eventually…and there’s no real pleasant way to do it.

And I have two friends right now that are struggling with the disease.  One of them, a gal, was just diagnosed with my exact same cancer.  And it’s not her first cancer.  And it scares the shit out of me.  And makes me cry.  Which I keep pretending is just the hormones but I’m pretty sure is a big wad of PTSD exacerbated by hormones.

So no, I don’t like being pregnant.  No matter how much I want a child.  (A healthy one as Garfunkel and Oates would say.)

…but I feel much better having said that out loud.


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Comments

  1. It’s OK to say that, especially when high-risk. Even though I never will be, I know that was in my future should I succeed in getting pregnant, pee hats and all.

    (Seriously, I can point you in the direction of high-riskers who blogged, if you’d like at all.)

    1. Thanks doll. Know how you wrote that brilliant post about help and asking for it? Yeah…um…still too chicken shit so far. But I’ll file your comment in the back of my brain for later.

  2. BRAVO! Stands, clapping.
    You’ve said it. It’s out.
    That was very brave. And notice, I am not throwing rotten fruit, nor did I abandon you.
    Love ya. ::hugs::

  3. I hated being pregnant. Every puking, nose inflated, hormone induced rage/tears/depressiony second of it. But it isn’t cancer. You know that, you will see. It never seems real to anyone I don’t think. I still can’t believe I have 12 year old. Who let that happen?

    It will be okay and worth it. And you can learn ukulele lullabyes!

  4. Dude, I never understand when ladies say they like being pregnant. I mean they get moody, bloated, sick, rashy, swollen, their boobs turn into Zepellins, their ankles swell. If you like THAT you’re insane, the end.

    Feel better. At least this growth has a positive slant! 🙂

  5. *HUG*

    Oh Elly, don’t ever be afraid to write what you think here. We love you for who you are, not what you write.

    You’ve got the worlds largest support group of friends at your fingertips. Don’t hesitate to lean on us.

  6. To tell you the truth, I expected if anyone would blog honestly about how pregnancy really makes them feel it would be you, Snookums! This is where I was sure the myth of pregnancy being a magical breeze of a thing would be called out for what it truly is, to you, whatever that may be.

    Don’t ever be afraid to tell the truth, for it does set you free.

    Except my weight. That’s the one exception.

  7. It’s a brave thing to say something like this out loud. And you know what? I know several women who would never admit to it publicly that they HATED being pregnant. And they didn’t even have horrible cancer memories to relive.

    I’m so sorry.

    1. I’m not sure if it’s brave or self indulgent. I’m not sure it matters. I’m just not very good at keeping quiet. Also? You probably shouldn’t tell me secrets. Just saying.

  8. I don’t think there’s any right way to feel about your body being taken over from within.

    Personally, I gleefully barfed my breakfast into the kitchen sink for months. I’m weird like that.

  9. Oh you poor thing! But I’m glad you blogged it. And it doesn’t make you any less of an amazing woman. Pregnancy sucks. We planned on having four kids – four! But by our second, I was, “Oh hell no!” And are you planning to breastfeed? Because not a single one of my sisters forewarned me of that hell. BUT. Now that the parasites are old enough to have dance parties with, motherhood is rather enjoyable. {{squeezes}}

  10. I hate you being pregnant right with you. Does that make sense? It does to me. I mean it in all the best ways. I would be scared shitless. Which is why I wear a necklace of ortho pills, kind of like a candy necklace.

    And not to worry I have started drinking for two now. You and me. Maybe three…you, me and your child…. (you should see how I wrinkled my nose, raised my eyebrows and gave a faint smile when I typed that last word.)

    ((((((((HUG))))))))

    1. Just make sure you’re doing it right. I’m pretty sure I’d be binge drinking right now if I could. And none of that brown liquor stuff, k? Tequila. In bulk. Get on that.

  11. Say it, say it, say it. Then say it again. This is your pregnancy. It’s whatever you say it is. I want to smack people who think their pregnancy is everyone’s pregnancy. Or that their childbirth is everyone’s childbirth. Or that their baby is everyone’s baby. But I can’t imagine any of the people in your world would do that. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll pretend I’m pregnant and hate it.

  12. I’m so glad you said it!! Why? Well, first of all, pregnancy is HARD and people need to stop thinking it’s some walk in the park with cravings. Second of all…there have got to be other people who think this, who are experiencing this, but feel bad about thinking and feeling it – but then they might stumble on this blog and realize that they’re not crazy. THIS is why you must always speak your truth. So others know they’re not alone.

    I applaud you. And your baby is going to be so worth it and adorable. 🙂

  13. Thank you for reminding me why I don’t want kids. Nothing about pregnancy, childbirth, or early childhood appeals to me in the least. Call me when your kid starts school, I will be happy to read to him/her, take it to the zoo, whatever.

  14. Its 100% perfectly fine to hate being pregnant. I’ll be the same stats that you’ll love your baby as much as you hate pregnancy. You’ve got some super scary associations going on there, and as the anxiety queen of the world, I get it. *Hugs to you*

  15. Every pregnant person I know….and there seem to be a lot of them right now….all can’t stand it. You are in good company. Sore boobs, heartburn, headaches, backaches, indigestion, constipation,….really, what’s not to love? Sounds like a killer party….in your uterus. At least with pregnancy, you get a kid:)

  16. spill it girl! i really feel for you and what you’re feeling and experiencing is totally understandable. pregancy fucked with my head (and body) too, which is why i only have one child. but you have more reason to feel frightened and uncomfortable than i ever did. but let me tell you it’s going to be the best damn thing you’ve ever fought and sacrificed for. EVER EVER EVER. the joy and meaning your child will bring to your life will be beyond your wildest imagination. and it’s ok to cry along the way. and totally suck in all of the love and attention you’re getting. you deserve it!

    ps: yay i didn’t i have to look at paula deen’s flopsided tits again. ; )

  17. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hating it for the reasons you listed. Anyone that would judge you for that should be punched in the face. It’s completely understandable that you’re terrified.

    And if it will make you feel any better…I hated pregnancy too. LOATHED IT. But for completely selfish reasons, nothing at all like yours. I hated it because it made me psycho and fat, and I could get drunk or smoke. The list goes on. Every time someone said anything about pregnant women and the beauty of birth, my head spun around on my neck. Sigh.

    But you…you’re better than me. 😉

    Hang in there lovey, it’ll be ok.

      1. You just blogged “That only thing that should go into cones are ice cream and silence.” You’re baby is going to come out brilliant and shitting on Einstein just because it was inside you when you wrote that.

  18. I cannot imagine having to relive aspects of the worst thing that ever happened to me. I admire that you *are* doing so with grace and humor and with the courage to share it with us.

    Maybe (in a lemons into lemonade kind of way) this is a chance for you to redefine what you are going through. All of these parallel negative feelings – the discomfort, the fear, etc. that your pregnancy is reawakening in you can now be associated with something positive – your baby – instead of the awful negative – cancer – that caused them before. Maybe. I know it is a tall order, but every time you get a panicky feeling or are miserable you focus on the baby. How amazing it is that your body is busy making a small version of you. How wonderful it will be to hold him for the first time, to know that she will be someone you can teach the ukelele to, to shop with, to introduce to broadway musicals to. There is a truth to positive thinking. It can put you in charge of the experience instead of the experience taking you over.

    And if you feel overwhelmed, well it might even be worth seeing a therapist just to get an outside opinion on how you are feeling – they could help you develop some coping mechanisms.

    Take care.

  19. I adore you. I have not yet experienced this but I don’t believe a single person that says being pregnant was just “beautiful” and “wonderful.” babies are cute and all but that still sounds excruciating and traumatizing. And after having it pummel through my vagina head first, I think I’d need therapy.

    I’m sorry for reminding you that it’s going to tear your vagina up.

    However, I hear that it’s totally worth it in the end. Babies heads are fun to kiss and smell.

  20. Oh Babe, say it loud and say it proud. Pregnancy, birth and the spawn you are stuck with after can be scary, gross and filled with farting and hemorrhoids. It can also be great. Some days. It’s okay to say it sucks, it does suck and I never glowed. As I’ve said before glowers are either crazy or a Hollywood myth created to make us feel like shit. Add in all your other stuff and woman if you were dancing around in your mother earth birthday suit, knitting eco-friendly nappies and showing people your miracle mucus plug, I would think something was a little screwy.

    Give yourself a break and a chance to work through it. You have a shit tonne of love on here, hold onto that and say what you want.

    And what idiot put those 2 wards next to each other, they should be hunted down and have their balls ripped off via their left nostril.

  21. You’re beautiful, brave and strong…even more so for being able to put your fears and feelings to words. And to share them with others is such a gift. Great post. I hope your pregnancy is a quick one and soon you are lamanting lack of sleep and playing uke lullabies!

  22. I totally get what you are saying… when I was pregnant with my girls I was sicker than a dog… bloated, looked like crap… and was tired all the time…did I mention I looked like shit too…? 😉

    Luckily with my son I felt a bit better (at least I wasn’t puking all the time) third times the charm I guess.
    Unfortunately all of the crap you are feeling really DOES mimic what you wet thru with cancer…the major difference is when it’s done you will have a beautiful little piece of you & Rocco to love & cherish… I know it doesn’t seem like it now…but it WILL get better! Hang in there!!! **HUGS**

    1. Let’s form a gang of angry, unruly pregnant bitches. Can two people be a gang? A duo doesn’t sound very threatening. And aren’t you supposed to hatch in like days?

  23. Dearest… {{{{HUGS}}}}} SING IT SISTER! I threw up until the day of delivery. So No I did not like being pregnant one bit. And oh sweetie I did not know that you are on blood thinner. I was also on blood thinner and those two shots every day? Did make me grateful for having an ample behind and a muffin top… There is nothing else to say other than agreeing with you. YES THEY SUCK! Because you are pregnant, you are allowed to feel and say whatever the heck you like, even to say that this whole business of being pregnant is a SCAM!

    1. Well the good news is the doc called this evening and they’re dropping the blood thinner thing for now. So minor triumph! And also? I adore you. But what’s new…

  24. The scariest part about pregnancy, speaking as someone who’s never been pregnant, is the fact that nobody ever tells the truth about pregnancy. Or if they do, it’s out of the hearing of women who’ve never been pregnant. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a room and a hush has come over a group of women, and I hear one of them say “Shh, you’ll scare her, let’s talk about it later.” What kind of cultish bullshit is that??

    So I appreciate you, Elly Lou. Tell it like it is, sister.

    1. Look, here’s the thing. I’m pretty sure no one would sign up for this shit if they really knew what all was involved. I dunno, maybe they would. I could be all bitter and jaded and shit. It’s like someone told me I was going to an all-inclusive resort instead of boot camp.

      But I can’t even wear my cool boots anymore.

      *sigh*

  25. You are not alone! You are not alone. You are not alone. I’ll say it over and over if you need to hear it. Lots of fantastic mothers hate, loathe, being pregnant. And a lot of them don’t have to relive their fight with cancer.

    There are no rules. Hate the pregnancy. Hell, you might find you even hate motherhood some of the time. But know you’re not alone in that feeling. Not alone. Not a freak. Normal. Well, except for the orange piss box. I mean, damn.

    PS–I did not fight cancer, but I did do Lovenox (Spelling? Too lazy to Google blood thinners) while pregnant with the twins. Here I can actually empathize. I had to go to the oncology/blood doc office with my apologizing eyes on. I wanted to wear a sticker that read “I don’t have cancer, I have a blood thing. You can cut in front of me in line.”

  26. Hold up…There are people that actually like being pregnant? Elly, once this baby is born it is going to be one bad-ass and beautiful memory eraser. You’ll see! Just hold out and keep saying whatever you want out loud as much as you need to! You are completely normal and not alone!! And loved. Did I mention loved? LOVED! (-: xoxoxoxooxxo!

  27. I adore you.

    Strength, compassion, a great sense of humour and a rockin’ pair.

    Okay, I’ve never seen your pair, but I just KNOW they’re rockin.

    Thank you for everything, Elly.

    And don’t cry. I beg you. It’s yur laughter that makes it all easier.

    With so much love (which is weird cuz we’re practically strangers),

    – B x

  28. Every time I was pregnant I was surrounded by a bevy of gestational yoga queens who lived breathed and consumed each and every moment of their beautiful life giving episode.
    “Oh Sally, isn’t it wonderful to feel the kicking of the strong life force inside you?”

    “oh yes, Bedelia! I am getting more powerful and imbued with the fury of a CREATION MASTER! It’s PULSATING THROUGH ME! Let’s do downward dog.”

    Me:(emerging from bathroom with ept) “oh FUCK! Are you kidding me? I lost my birth control for ONE DAY! ONE DAY!I’m going to sit on that couch for nine months, see ya!”

    Also? They could put their legs behind their heads all the way up the the 9th month but I guess that’s neither here nor there.
    I hated it too. Each ankle swelling, stirrip riding, bone crushing double chin moment of it.
    The creation business is messy and terrifying and anyone who tells you different is selling something.

  29. Screw all that “it’s the journey, not the destination” crap, especially when the journey’s tantamount to an uphill slog. Sisyphus only had to push that rock, he ain’t have it cart it around in his belly. Just sayin.

    Let’s get cupcakes.

  30. I really like you and your honesty. I wish I had something more profound to say but I don’t. So, like usual, I’ll just say something stupid: I have big eyebrows now too.

  31. You know Elly, if you keep getting shit off your chest, maybe your tits will remain a somewhat manageable size. Keep it coming… Luv ya….

  32. This is for the friends, not Elly: Elly smiled today talking about what you all wrote in this post. I got to see it IRL. Just thought you’d want to know. I heart you for that.

  33. Terrific post. While I can’t empathize, I can sympathize. It’s ok to hate something if it’s hateful. It’s ok to hate something if everyone thinks you should love it. It’s ok to hate something just because you hate it,

  34. Oh honey I hated every minute of both my pregnancies. The barfing, stretching, weight gain, discomfort, mood swings that made me feel like I belonged in the mental ward. And that was all without the added stress of reliving cancer treatments. I truly believe women who say they love being pregnant are the ones who have already lost their marbles. For me there was nothing pleasant about it, don’t be sorry for feeling this way. You don’t have to enjoy the process to love and enjoy the outcome. Believe me I didn’t but I fell hard the minute those babies were born and handed over to me. You know the old adage no pain no gain, it couldn’t be more true than when it comes to pregnancy.

  35. My Wife: I called my mom today to tell her about how much pregnancy sucks and do you know what she said? She said she doesn’t understand this whole negativity thing, she said when she was pregant she was soo happy all the time.
    Me: Maybe it’s a bad idea to call your mom when you need support?
    My wife: She is so full of shit!
    Me: Don’t cry…look at me, I’m cutting my fingers off with a serrated steak knife. Isn’t that hilarious? Honey?

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