Search Optimization-ish

I might have to add a monthly feature here on your favorite BugginBlog.  I have this worry though, you see.  Sometimes my sense of humor can be a little…off (or so I’m told).  The things that make me snarf and accidentally inhale ranch dressing into my nose might not have the same effect on the average bear.

Fortunately you (Dear Reader) are not the average bear.  If you’ve read one of my ramblings and elected to come back here a second time, odds are you fall into the group of people that received the occasional “needs improvement” on the social interaction section of your elementary school report card.  Yeah you – you know I’m right.

So I’m going to stick with the theory that you too are sick and twisted with just a little dash of whackadoodle mixed in for good measure.  I’m going to let you peek behind the curtain at the inner workings of BugginWord.  (I heard those gasps and oohs!)  I’m going to let you in on a dirty little secret – there are some seriously sick fuckers out there.

Ok you knew that already, so did I.  I just didn’t realize they came to my site.  My CMS has all these nifty back-end whatzamadoozles that let me see all kind of creepy details on my users.  As you well know, I’m completely obsessed with my traffic.  Before I even pee, I’m firing up my desktop so I can check those stats first thing every morning.  After I pout or gloat (depending on weather I hit ten or fifteen for the day), I scroll down to see where people came from and what they clicked on to get to the site.

My favorite section is entitled “Search Engine Terms.”  Under the header there’s a little explanation that says, “These are terms people used to find your blog.”  When I read the list of words and phrases that follow, I fear the previously mentioned explanation is deceptively simplified and non-judgmental.  I wonder if I can edit it so it’s more appropriate.

I’d propose something along these lines:  “What the hell are you writing about, El?  Sure, people search for some bizarro things and you really can’t control that.  But doesn’t it make you a little uncomfortable that when people search for those weird terms Google serves up a link to YOUR site?  Half the time, I have no idea why these strings of words would ever be used together.  The other half of the time I’m completely disturbed by the visuals they invoke.  It’s sick I tell you…SICK!”

Hold please – I need to catch my breath after that rant.  I suppose it’s a little too long to fit in the tiny space allotted for that particular widget, anyway.  Fine, I’ll defer to the wisdom of those that develop this stuff for a living…this time.

Am I overreacting?  Sure, anything is possible I suppose.  I’m willing to admit I might exaggerate or embellish every now and again.  Let me share some of the jewels with you and let you decide:

• “zucchini fire alarm panel”  This one was my muse, my inspiration for a monthly feature on weird search terms.  I spit my green tea all over my keyboard this morning when I saw this bad boy.  Is there actually an alarm panel inside a zucchini?  Is this a group of experts convened to discuss the practical applications of zucchini fire alarms?  I wrote about such things?
• “tightrope walking straps”  Huh.  I wonder how many people use this search on a daily basis.  I wouldn’t think many, but now I have to wonder if there’s some sort of underground cult living their lives by the doctrines outlined in some covertly published tightrope walking manifesto.  Maybe I should watch fewer conspiracy movies, eh?
• “josie and the pussie cats porn“, “kitty porn stream” and “stumbleuponporn”  I sense a theme here.  Sadly I can only blame one of these three on Rocco Siffredi.  To be honest, I am a little amused by the thought of a live web cam focused on Lucy while she sits in a corner for hours staring at the wall then takes a brief break to clean her ass.
• “singing in the ghetto on everybody loves”  This just makes my brain hurt.  I don’t remember a ghetto in any episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.  Do they even have ghettos in Long Island?  Of course, I just assume the searcher meant Every Body Loves Raymond.  Maybe this person just wants to know who loves to sing Elvis songs while standing on everybody he’s ever known…one at a time of course…wait standing on one person at a time, not necessarily singing one Elvis song at a time.  Seriously, my brain hurts.
• “toilet siege perilious”  Thank you, DrewL.  While I don’t remember the word toilet in Drew’s post, I will never be able to forget the visual this phrase generated in my mind.  It makes me think of Rocco, Indian food, and a particularly nasty rest stop I experienced on my last drive to North Carolina.  Double ew.

Am I right?  While I’m just as hazy as the next reader when people ask what the hell BugginWord is about, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would have used any of the above search terms in my description.  Ok, “porn” does seem to pop up in more posts than I ever would have expected, but the rest of them are WAY off.

So now I’ve got to keep a little tally going to see what other weird shit the Interwebz comes up with next.  Maybe I’ll throw in some weird words here to see if I can generate more weird search hits: ninja goat herders, ear lobe implants, lamp shade hernias, parking deck musicals, alien license plate crafts.

Yikes, it’s scary when I get enough sleep isn’t it?  Stay tuned for more updates on just how weird your fellow readers are…