Search Optimization-ish

I know this is your favorite time of the month, Interwebz, but quite frankly it scares the shit out of me.  Just when I think I’ve reached a point where I’ll be able to handle the weird shit on filling up Al Gore’s half of the internet, you guys go and find something new.

Speaking of new things, swing by Craftastrophe later and check out my latest find – the Purssy.  I suppose if you work for the RNC or Walmart, that link might not be entirely safe for work.
Without further ado, here’s the freaky searches that brought people to my sick little site during the month of June:

hello cupcake badminton birdie cupcakes” – Um.  Hello to you, too?

hoe to clean up vaseline?” – I think the addition of the question mark shows that this is clearly a cry for help.  I’m going to assume this should actually read, “Can I use a hoe to clean up vaseline?”  Well Billy (I’m also going to assume the little advice seeker is named Billy because I can), that depends on just what type of hoe we’re referring to, doesn’t it?  If you’re going to use the farming-equipment type, sprinkle the vaseline with sand first.  If you’re using the found-frequently-on-tenth-avenue type, I recommend covering the vaseline with glitter first.

homeless garden gnome” – Look Mom, I still have the house on the market.  It’s clean.  I haven’t passed up a single request to see the place.  I have an angry plastic saint zombie thing buried upside down just steps from my front door.  I don’t know what else I can do to get this damn thing sold!  Subtly guilting me with the plight of the the American Garden Gnome and their rapidly disappearing natural environments is NOT going to get this place sold any faster.  Ok?!?  I swear, you’re worse than Amazon with the pressure.

im a guy and i need a new hairstyle” – You’ve come to the wrong place, honey.  Unless the new style you’re looking for is of the Rachel Maddow or Justin Bieber persuasion.  Then come on in!

mennonite lovers” – At first I thought maybe this was a new dating site (like the zombie one TheBloggess found last week).  Then I thought, “Mennonites don’t use the internet, do they?”  Then I thought, “Don’t be such a bigot, Els.  Do some research.”  And guess what?!?  Mennonites totally use the internet.  So date on, you crazy Mennonites.  I don’t like buttons, either.

bunkerporn” – You want to see Archie Bunker naked?  That’s just sick, people.  Sick.

buggin inflatable doll” – While I did just order some new BugginWord swag for the upcoming clusterfuck being billed as BlogHer, they are NOT anatomically correct inflatable lady bugs for you sickos to defile in the privacy of your own homes while you look at naked pictures of Archie Bunker.  Though truth be told, I DO kinda want to know if they make such things.  I mean, Christmas IS just around the corner.

naked butt cake toppers” – Ok if these seriously exist, I need a link STAT people.  I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to make a last minute switcheroo at the wedding while Gwatt gets dressed.  There should be enough time between fastening the bride’s corset and smearing vaseline on the mechanical bull to hit the catering tent.

strap on glitter stuff ” – See above.  Obviously Gwatt NEEDS a set of these things for the honeymoon.  Have I told you that Rocco loves people he keeps asking for anal but I won’t wear the strap on?  Yeah.  I love meeting his co-workers for the first time.  No, really.

lady gaga wearing latex gloves” – Yeah, she really strikes me as the but-I-don’t-know-where-that’s-been type.  Come to think of it, this just might be the answer to little Billy’s question from earlier!  And then we all lived happily ever!  Just in case you need more happy, check out my new favorite spoof of Telephone.

Seriously, you people are fucked in the head.  That’s probably why we get along so well.  All the same, I’m really glad I have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow to discuss your issues.

One last moment of shameless self promotion – cruise over to Ry’s place and see what happens when you ask me to guest post after I’ve already had a tidge of wine.


  1. You know the only reason I would ever consider going to BlogHer would be to meet you right? And if it was being held in St. Louis. And we didn’t have to talk to other people.

    1. Aw shucks. *blushes*

      Plus then we could say things like “Meet me in St. Louis” and speak only in Nina Simone song titles. “Gimme a Pig Foot and a Bottle of Beer” means “let’s go get dinner” – you know, just in case BlogHer is in St. Louis next year.

  2. I would have loved to get in on this blogging stuff early enough to go to Blogher…. maybe next year. Then I will indeed be glittery….. or summin like that =]

    1. I think you’re glittery already. And if you still feel glitter-insecure, word on the street is you can always strap some on.

  3. Clearly the Buggin inflatable doll is a direct reference to your Police fetish and the beloved Sally.
    Won’t you be my girl
    Won’t you be my girl
    Wontcha be my be my be my girl.

    1. I wear a permanent grin. Also? I only have to worry in case my girl wears pins.

      God we are going to be annoying as hell in tandem, aren’t we?

    1. I’m going to see Puppetry of the Penis tomorrow. I’m pretty sure that will inspire a few potential handbags for the fellas.

  4. I’d think the best thing about being a guy is the hairstyles. You don’t have many choices and that would make it so much easier to decide how to do your hair….

  5. Dude, I don’t know how I lived this long without realizing what I was missing in life was the inside of my purse looking like a big old hoo ha. It’s a genius idea. Who hasn’t wished their phone fit in their vajoolie at one time or other? Not least because it vibrates. The phone I mean not….never mind. Plus it’s like a dirty little secret, like going out without wearing panties. YOU know it’s there, but no one else does. It’s empowering. MY BAG IS A VAGINA!

    I’m a little fixated on the vagina bag idea… I am forever in your debt.

    P.S. Sorry about the ‘mennonite lovers’ thing. I love me some hot mennonite action and I was so sure you’d supply it.

  6. Oh, well, I don’t know Gwen at all but I thought Super Freak right away when planning for my sister’s wedding, so I’m glad you mentioned it. But then I heard the Peaches song and now it’s a toss up. I think we should be sensitive to some of the older people on the guest list, though, and stay away from the Nouvelle one. They might not like to hear the word “drunk” in Church.

Comments are closed.