I saw a whole mess of moving vans in Hoboken over the weekend, so it must be the beginning of yet another month. You know what that means? Time to troll through my analytics and find all the disturbing searches that led people to my bizarre little Buggin World!
This can not end well.
“frankenbarbie” – Look Interwebz, I know my Craftastrophe posts have been a bit Barbie-centric the past couple of weeks, but there’s no need to get all catty about it. This week’s post is completely devoid of Barbie. I shit you not. Literally. (But seriously? There’s a whole Etsy shop that donates 100% of it’s profits to Gulf Coast recovery related charities. Check it out.)
“asserole” – I get the words escarole and escolar all mixed up in my head. Which is unfortunate because a) I have nightmares about big creepy fish sometimes and b) I occasionally wake up screaming, “Dear God that escarole nearly bit my face off!” So my neighbors seem to think I have a really intense leafy-green phobia. Maybe I’ll try screaming “asscarole” instead so it at least sounds like I’m having nightmares about something scary. Though really it sounds more like the warblings of a group of drunken frat boys as they stumble singing door to door around the holidays. Never mind.
“mouthwash emoticon” – I spent at least three minutes (fourteen minutes longer than my normal attention span) trying to figure out just what a mouthwash emoticon would look like. Obviously I came up empty. Otherwise I would have wowed you with my wit and artistic vision. Instead I’ll distract you with this.
“poon dynasty” and “past imperial poontang” – Um, Interwebz? You know that there wasn’t really a Poon Tang Dynasty, right? There wasn’t even a Poon Dynasty. So here’s your little history lesson for the day. There was, honest to internet, a Tang Dynasty. Who else could have possibly come up with the famous yet bizarre orange beverage? Well, yes. You make a good point. Let’s just assume that the aliens shared their beverage technology with the ancient Chinese who then passed the recipe down from generation to generation until man’s technology advanced to the point we could create the neon orange plastic jars needed to contain such raw orange-flavored power. Commit these facts to memory. You’ll be quizzed later.
“giantess stink feet story” – Yes, I’m tall…but I’m not THAT tall. I never claimed to be a giantess. And my feet aren’t that gross. Sure, it gets a little funky in my toegina, but have you seen a photo of Vapid’s feet? I rest my dainty, stink-free case.
“velociraptor pole dancing” – Do you think the dinosaurs had strip clubs? If so, where would they stick the dollar bills? I bet that would suck for a Tyrannosaurus what with their tiny little arms and all. Did dinosaurs have nipples? No right? They laid eggs. Chickens don’t have nipples, right? Shit, now I’m never going to get to sleep tonight.
“angelina jolie vaseline” – It amuses me endlessly that this search happened BEFORE I wrote a post on vaseline. Apparently the internet has yet another use for Vaseline that I had not even considered. Maybe I’m not a fifteen year old boy, after all.
“elbow fucking” – Can we just agree as a group that elbow fucking falls into the same category as fist bumps, high fives, and Eskimo kisses? Otherwise I’m going to be up all night with images of giant man-eating fish shoving pointy dinosaur elbows in random assceroles while Rod Stewart (clad only in latex) humps miniature ponies in platform shoes. Man, I’m exhausted already.
Thank you, Interwebz. Just imagine how much more work I can get done now that I’ll never ever sleep again. *sigh*