Search Optimization-ish

I saw a whole mess of moving vans in Hoboken over the weekend, so it must be the beginning of yet another month.  You know what that means?  Time to troll through my analytics and find all the disturbing searches that led people to my bizarre little Buggin World!

This can not end well.

frankenbarbie” – Look Interwebz, I know my Craftastrophe posts have been a bit Barbie-centric the past couple of weeks, but there’s no need to get all catty about it.  This week’s post is completely devoid of Barbie.  I shit you not.  Literally.  (But seriously?  There’s a whole Etsy shop that donates 100% of it’s profits to Gulf Coast recovery related charities.  Check it out.)

asserole” – I get the words escarole and escolar all mixed up in my head.  Which is unfortunate because a) I have nightmares about big creepy fish sometimes and b) I occasionally wake up screaming, “Dear God that escarole nearly bit my face off!”  So my neighbors seem to think I have a really intense leafy-green phobia.  Maybe I’ll try screaming “asscarole” instead so it at least sounds like I’m having nightmares about something scary.  Though really it sounds more like the warblings of a group of drunken frat boys as they stumble singing door to door around the holidays.  Never mind.

mouthwash emoticon”  – I spent at least three minutes (fourteen minutes longer than my normal attention span) trying to figure out just what a mouthwash emoticon would look like.  Obviously I came up empty.  Otherwise I would have wowed you with my wit and artistic vision.  Instead I’ll distract you with this.

poon dynasty” and “past imperial poontang” – Um, Interwebz?  You know that there wasn’t really a Poon Tang Dynasty, right?  There wasn’t even a Poon Dynasty.  So here’s your little history lesson for the day.  There was, honest to internet, a Tang Dynasty.  Who else could have possibly come up with the famous yet bizarre orange beverage?  Well, yes.  You make a good point.  Let’s just assume that the aliens shared their beverage technology with the ancient Chinese who then passed the recipe down from generation to generation until man’s technology advanced to the point we could create the neon orange plastic jars needed to contain such raw orange-flavored power.  Commit these facts to memory.  You’ll be quizzed later.

giantess stink feet story” – Yes, I’m tall…but I’m not THAT tall.  I never claimed to be a giantess.  And my feet aren’t that gross.  Sure, it gets a little funky in my toegina, but have you seen a photo of Vapid’s feet?  I rest my dainty, stink-free case.

velociraptor pole dancing” – Do you think the dinosaurs had strip clubs?  If so, where would they stick the dollar bills?  I bet that would suck for a Tyrannosaurus what with their tiny little arms and all.  Did dinosaurs have nipples?  No right?  They laid eggs.  Chickens don’t have nipples, right?  Shit, now I’m never going to get to sleep tonight.

angelina jolie vaseline” – It amuses me endlessly that this search happened BEFORE I wrote a post on vaseline.  Apparently the internet has yet another use for Vaseline that I had not even considered.  Maybe I’m not a fifteen year old boy, after all.

elbow fucking” – Can we just agree as a group that elbow fucking falls into the same category as fist bumps, high fives, and Eskimo kisses?  Otherwise I’m going to be up all night with images of giant man-eating fish shoving pointy dinosaur elbows in random assceroles while Rod Stewart (clad only in latex) humps miniature ponies in platform shoes.  Man, I’m exhausted already.

Thank you, Interwebz.  Just imagine how much more work I can get done now that I’ll never ever sleep again.  *sigh*


  1. Is it good that I only recognize one of those phrases at something that has ever crossed my lips, or bad that I recognize any of them?

    1. There’s no judging here, Sarah. Here, everyone looks great in skinny jeans and political affiliations are never mocked. NEVER.

  2. There’s a Poon Dynasty now muthafuckas.
    That sounds a little too gangsta even for me so I’m going to back up from it and give up ownership.
    Forget liliputian Chris Walken or tiny dancer- I WANT A GIANTESS!
    I was a moment from having an encounter with that ICE GIANT that VAPID fashioned this winter when he met his brutal end and now I find that these giantesses walk the earth with other mythical creatures?
    Rainbows, unicorns, yeti’s, minatours, griffins and now a giantess. It’s like 5th grade wishes really do come true.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Bizarre Coincidence or Cosmic Message In a Bottle? =-.

    1. We’ll be waiting a while. She has something specific in mind that has yet to be documented. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be epic. Woot!

    1. I tried to leave out the really filthy ones (believe it or don’t). There’s only so many jokes you can crack about pedophiles and jello. Well, before you end up on some sort of government watch list. I fart watching videos, does that count?

  3. Elbow fucking. Maybe it’s another one of those weird fetishes. There are a lot of foot fetishists that end up on my blog. Because apparently, fucking someone’s feet is hawt. This makes pedicures take on a whole new meaning. It’s like a bikini wax for the foot.

    And I imagine a mouthwash emoticon would be a little animated guy with one cheek puffing out, then the other. You know, sloshing.
    .-= Alyson´s last blog ..The Sunday Roast =-.

  4. i’m going to invent a frankenbarbie and her name will be “angelina vaselina.” she’ll come with her own pole and will give elbow fucks for dollar bills. for a benjamin you can have a private dance with her in the poon tang dynasty room. chaperoned of course.

    ps: there you go with the great music again. i love that kate nash song. now even more so after seeing the cartoon vid.
    .-= pattypunker´s last blog ..dear tipper gore, get a real cause this time around. =-.

    1. Dude! It’s like you’ve submitted another entry to a contest I don’t even remember starting. So obviously you win. I made you a pregnant lady emoticon:

      – –
      ( x)

  5. That’s some weird shit. I checked what search terms were tricking people into looking at my blog, and a few of them were along the lines of “cute gay kid video.” Then I had to see what other results (besides me) those terms produced. I felt really dirty to be in that company. It was all because of a post I wrote called “More gay stuff and cute videos of kids” (or something like that) where I busted on the latest “family values” closet case, George Rekers, and included some gratuitous cute video of my kids. Should have known.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..A Father’s Day gift from The Bono and me to the world =-.

    1. It’s a dirty, filthy, tawdry internet. So yeah, I’m right at home. Fortunately for you, The Bono doesn’t really have a strong Anti Child Trafficking policy! You guys can still be besties.

  6. Elbow Fucking? Really? I’m not one to judge but surely there has to be a more compliant and definitely more attractive body part to get the juices flowing. It raises so many questions. Do you need one of those elbows that have an innie when you straighten your arm, or is it all about the bent elbow. Or is it the, bend, straighten, bend, straighten, that does it. “OOOOOh yeah baby bend that elbow”. Can you end up with Elbow Rooters Elbow? Do I now need to cover my sexy elbows when I’m out in public so I don’t inadvertently arouse randy elbow fuckers at the supermarket. Arggghhh….too many questions.
    .-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Two Birds, One Stone: Day of Visibility & Happy Birthday TDC. =-.

  7. Okay, just to review. “Asserole” was a round, meaty dinner dish that was popular among the emperors of the “Poon Dynasty”. And why would I be the least bit interested in “Elbow Fucking” when you’ve got that hot toegina in my face. Wearing those sexy thong flip flops… better grease it up with a little “Angelina Jolie Vaseline,” I’ll be over shortly (well, not shortly…).

    (Too creepy for my first comment, or not creepy enough. It’s such a balancing act)

    1. This explains SO much for me.

      Meanwhile, I’ll slap on some vick’s vapo just as soon as I get the caked on grime out of my toegina.

      Now where did I put that chloroform…

  8. Sorry about the PHubby. He escaped his dog crate this morning and was drooling and giggling nervously when I found him in the living room, lying on his back, covered in Vaseline, repeating over and over, “I left a funny comment. Next, world domination.”
    .-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Rainbows and Labyrinth =-.

    1. I can only imagine what dinner at your place must be like…the hours you two must spend picking SPAM out of random orifices and garlic presses.

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