Search Optimization-ish

Yes, it’s that time of the month again.  (There really is no way to string those words together and NOT have it sound menstrual.  It’s not, I swear.)  It’s time for me to out all the sick little monkeys that land here in my little Buggin world via bizarre searches.

What is it with you people and the ponies?!?  They’re such sweet majestic animals, yet most of my more disturbing search queries seem to involve them and other…um…people/things/earth moving machinery.  I’m a delicate flower, Interwebz.  You’re offending my puritanical senses.

Now let me return the favor.

No, I can’t do it.  I respect the privacy of the ponies – be they full size, miniature, or clad in latex.  I’m going to keep it clean today.  Ish.  Just try to remember that everything is relative, k?

• Vajazzling Ladybug – At first I was all, “Hell’s to the yeah!  Ladybugs need bling, too.  I totally want to go clubbing with a bedazzled bug!”  Then I was all, “Wait, those bedazzle prongs are long and sharp.  A single rhinestone is larger than most ladybugs.  It’s going to be a hideous, multi-faceted bug massacre.  Ladybug, ladybug – fly away home before they can impale you!”  It really took several sleepless nights filled with visions of disembodied, polka dotted wings before I figured out this was probably an innocent search for a jeweled pattern for floozies to stick on their machu picchus.
• Mom Versus Heroin – Pegger the Kegger wins every time.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Sorry, Heroin – you lose.
• Mouthwash Vagina – Oh Muffin, if you’re feeling…erm…not so fresh, mouthwash is not the solution.  You don’t have plaque build up in there.  Unless you’re one of those “vagina dentata” gals.  And If you are?  Don’t forget to floss.
• Ode to Vodka – Why the poor sap didn’t end up at MommyWantsVodka instead of this place is a mystery to me.  Just in case it happens again….*clears throat and raises one arm, palm to the sky* Thou oh clearest of liquors, haunter of my dreams, inflicter of throbbing cranial massacres, fill my pulsing heart with heady joy  – and after a wanton night requited, my toilet with partially digested chunks of mushrooms and black olives.
• Unicorn Names – You heard it here first, Interwebz.  I, your favorite Elly, am now the undisputed expert in naming unicorns.  If you need financial advice, call Suze Orman.  If you want to know just how bad global warming is, Al Gore is your man.  You got a unicorn to name?  I’m your gal.  Get in line.   Just be warned, Apocalypse is already taken.
• Amanda Baby Gives Prostate Exam – Well that’s just awkward.  Obviously they were looking for Amanda’s blog, not mine.  Actually, that might explain all the weird pony stuff, too.  Seriously Amanda, do we need to have this conversation again?!
• Rod Stewart Latex – My eyes!  MY EYES!!!  *shudder*  Someone please hold me and tell me everything will be ok.  I’m frightened.  So very, very frightened.

I can’t go on.  My mind is a sea of images – mostly a quivering mass of shiny latex and spikey blond hair.  I’ll be whimpering underneath my bed for the entire weekend.  Send chocolate.