Search Optimization-ish

It’s time for another installment of “Some People Really Should Not Have Access to Google.”  In case you haven’t been paying attention, I like to compile a list of the weirdest internet searches that brought people to my BugginWorld.  I’m a bit of a prude (and stalker) at heart.  So when I’m prattling on about my obsession with sparkly vampires or Mom’s vagina with total strangers, I like to know where they’ve been.  (I’m looking out for you, Pegger.)

Call me old fashioned.

Ok now take that back.  There’s no need for name calling here.  I’m a delicate flower, bitches!

This month’s list is a fascinating blend of why-on-earth-would-you-search-for-that-ness and you-must-have-been-so-disappointed-when-you-came-to-this-site-for-answers-itude with a bittersweet dash of my-heart-just-split-in-a-million-achey-pieces-for-you-tion.

• “richard simmons pictures” I am just so incredibly relieved that the word “naked” was not a part of that search query.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been sitting around, working on some project, and then been totally overcome by the need to gaze at glistening images of the ‘fro’d fitness fanatic.  Yes, I have one little picture of Richard on the site, but he’s being worn as an accessory.  My apologies to the Simmons minion (say that five times fast) that was instead confronted with a naked Harry Potter.  On second thought, that might well have made his or her day.
• “penis shaped cheese ball” Isn’t that contradictory?  That’s like asking for a round square.  It’s either a ball or its penis shaped…or maybe a penis shape WITH cheese balls…but you can’t be both.  This search was followed closely by “how to make your penis into.”  Into what?  A flamethrower?  Cheesy hors d’oeuvres?  A gardening tool?  Should I be worried about the volume of peni-related searches bringing people to my site?  Nah…
• “I’m so lonesome in the saddle” I of course immediately finish the rest of the song at the top of my lungs, but I reckon this pour soul was probably trying to find the far more popular Pioneer Woman.  She probably has a banging recipe for cheese balls, too.  I wonder how many peni-related searches she gets in an average month.  Probably more than you could fit in a GAFF panty.  Damn, now I want to have a party where I serve penis shaped cheese balls on a GAFF panty platter.  Wow.  Even I have to admit this is going downhill fast.
• “what is the solution to baby mama drama” Honey, if I knew THAT I would already have a book deal and a column in Oprah magazine.  Good luck with that, though.
• “what to do when chemo is killing you” *Sighs.  Thinks warm thoughts.  Tries to re-assemble shattered heart.* I feel extra bad because that post isn’t much of a pep talk.  So, just in case someone searches it again – read Anticancer, visit Livestrong, drop me a line if you want to talk.  Hugs.
• “body painted trekkies” I’m sure there are hundreds of sites out there dedicated entirely to hot girls and Star Trek.  This is decidedly not such a site.  In fact, this is the closest thing I’ve got to a body painted Star Trek fan.  In case you come back, here’s your consolation prize.
• “bride was on fire”  Maybe that happens more often that I realize.  Is tulle highly flammable?  I bet it’s all the hairspray they use to keep those intricately upswept numbers in place.  This seems like the kind of thing I should pay attention to now that I’m an Old Married Hag of Honor.  Maybe I can convince Gwen Magillicutty Vagina Juice that flammable butt bows are a serious liability.
• “naked sailors”  That just makes me downright giddy.  I’m ready for the warm temperatures, shining sun, and crisp white uniforms of Fleet Week already.  Are we there yet?  I should start practicing now, just so I can be at my best.  Hey sailor!  Hay!  SAY lure!  Heysailorrrrr.  Hmph.  Needs work.
• “motherfucking night before christmas”  People search for that?  Now I have to, too.  *searches*  Wow.  Um.  Don’t do that, k?  Though, I must admit it is exciting to be in the top five results.  I might have to make myself a plaque for that accomplishment.  Mom, print this post out and stick it on the fridge!

…and scene.  To recap, yet again the search terms seem to focus on the groin area and a variety of possible related complications.  On the upside, “porn” is on the down swing (that’s what she said – heh).  I chalk that up to my little brother being out of town.

These moments of self-assessment really leave me feeling warm and fuzzy.  Then again, that might be the Baileys in my hot cocoa.  I can’t believe someone gave me an award for this mess.