Here we go again, Interwebz! Since I missed sharing all the gory June details with you due to that whole move and national holiday thing, today you get DOUBLE the frightening search results that led people to my douchey little blog.
Well not double exactly. Or even kind of. It’s really the same amount I give you every month, I just had twice as many to chose from. Although I totally threw out all searches involving Harry Potter and nudity, so really it wasn’t a noticeable difference.
Yes I had trouble sleeping last night. Shut it.
On with the show!
“steam yacht panties” I sure do hope this is a specific print you’re searching for, because otherwise I’m extra confused. Have yachts ever run on steam? And if so, do they really require special panties? Or do all yachts have a specific panty code and you’ve just been invited to a yacht shindig but your no-iron yacht panties are woefully wrinkled and you’re in desperate search of a remedy? Then again, maybe you just type with a Scottish accent. In that case, I’ll just pretend you’re Jean Luc Pricard. Engage.
“can a stripper pole bruise a vag” Yes. Unequivocally yes. In my experience there isn’t a part of the body that a stripper pole can’t bruise – especially when wielded as a bat. Though I personally think “pole burn” is what you should really be worried about. *shudders at memory*
“keith richards and green snow peas” I don’t know what kind of cook books you’re reading, but you need to stop. And not just because I think peas are pompous. Though not the snow kind. They have a real can-do attitude. You know, for vegetables. Though I don’t like snow peas canned. Frozen is ok. But Keith? I like Keith pickled, just as he is.
“do you wish everyone was bald and naked” No. Definitely not. Here’s a short list of people I never want to see bald nor naked: Queen Elizabeth, Meatloaf, Snuffleupagus, Robin Williams, Paula Deen, and of course Rod Stewart.
“chihuahua vagina odor” Again, two possible interpretations of this phrase immediately pop into my head and I don’t know which is more disturbing. I’m going to assume you’re upset because your hooch smells like pooch. I’m choosing this option mostly because I’m pretty sure they don’t make douche sized for purse dogs. At least I hope not. If they do, please don’t tell me. And don’t send me a video either. And if by chance both of those are wrong and you’re actually developing a new perfume, I don’t need a sample. Thanks.
“can I use vaseline on crocs” Boy there are a LOT of questions this time. Are you trying to add a little shine to those crocs or are you going to need to buy those crocs a “sick ass croc castle” after you’re done with those lubed shoes? Either way, I’m going to say yes and promptly look away.
“awkward zombie urine trouble” Now that’s just silly. Like there’s any other kind of zombie urine trouble. Sheesh.
Woof. If I get many more questions, this is going to turn into an advice column. Or possibly a Harry Potter porn site. They’re pretty much the same thing, right?