Search Optimization-ish

How the hell is it June already?  Did May even happen?  Did the Rapture suck up a mess of hours instead of pious people?  Do cell phones cause brain tumors?

Oh wait, that last one is a little off topic.  Blame Sprocket.  Or just go read my thoughts on the subject here.

Meanwhile, back to the post at hand.  It’s time to see just how sick and demented the people of the Interwebz are.  (I’m totally going to ignore that weird sentence structure that just happened because this post will surely only get weirder.)

how do unicorns feel”  Have you ever seen “Get Him To The Greek?”  Well they feel like that fur wall.  Not unlike Rocco’s back or that area just behind my knees that I can’t seem to ever shave properly.  That is, unless you’re asking about the emotional state of unicorns.  That probably depends on how recently they’ve been ridden by Neil Patrick Harris.

walnuts looks like vagina”  Do they?  Do they really?  I feel like maybe you haven’t spent a lot of time looking at vaginas.  I mean, at least you didn’t liken them to a cashew or *shudder* a brazil nut.  And I guess all can be covered with chocolate.  But walnuts look like brains.   And while we ladies are occasionally known to think with our lady bits, they’ve never reminded me of a cerebellum.

No Richard! Please Don't Insert Me Anywhere!

figment glitter”   SQUEE!  Do you remember that little purple dragon from Epcot?  Was he the cutest thing ever?  Would he or would he have not been even cuter doused in glitter?  Dude.  Here’s hoping I dream about NPH and Figment riding unicorns while playing ukuleles tonight.  How do I make that happen?  And is that narcotic considered safe during pregnancy?

sinus infection caused by hedgehog”  Look Mr. Gere, I think you’re really taking this whole love of small animals thing a little too far.  What’s next?   An iguana in your ear?  It’s time for an intervention, Dick.

old navy orientation”  I suppose orientation was a trickier subject in the old navy than it is now in the new navy.  That Don’t Ask Don’t Tell thing does put a crimp on your dating options, don’t it?  Plus here’s to Old Navy getting on the band wagon and celebrating Pride Month.  It’s enough to make a girl swing her glitter-crusted Figment around.

willie nelson vagina”  Are you the same person that thinks walnuts look like vaginas?  If so, I think we’re getting to the root of the problem.  If not…well…I’m sure if Willie DID have a vagina, he would have smoked it by now.  No, I’m not at all sure what that means either.  But clearly you’re just fucking with me at this point.

“mom growing a penis”  Someone told me pregnant chicks grow all kinds of weird things – extra nipples, facial hair, horns – but apparently growing some junk ain’t that weird.  I’m all over it.  Or around it?  Outside of it?  When exactly did I lose all control over this post again?  Time to abort.  The post that is.  Not the parasite.  Holy hell this is just getting worse.

Until next month when I dazzle you with just how many people search for “in your face“…


      1. You know how I feel about crustaceans.

        No, it was this giant toe-shaped disgusting skin tag type thing.
        And I can’t believe I just admitted that on the internet.

  1. Figment was my FAVORITE. I had a stuffed one on ym bed when I was a kid, even though he was made of yucky felty flannel stuff rather than fake fur like most stuffed animals, and was not at all cuddly.

  2. I’d say Willie Nelson kinda looks like a Walnut.

    What happened to Figment? When we went o Epcot 3 years ago he was gone. Did he go to that great Muppet stage in the sky?

    1. He’s still there. Or back. Or he was. I dunno, I saw him when I went for my 30th. I think I might even have pictures. I should maybe look for that.

  3. Figment was there as of last year, I swear. I still have the song, “Imaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagination!” in my head. I think you should uke that song. And make it about vaginas. It could be “Vaaaaaaaaaaaaaagination!” No?

  4. You win. I only ever get things like “behaving irrationally” or “acting + strangely” and those are really funny. They’re pretty much just descriptions of my blog.

    Vaginas do NOT look like walnuts. Well, maybe if they were old and dried up. The vaginas, not the walnuts.


  5. Have you seen the film, “The Dark Backward?” A million years ago. Starred Judd Nelson. An homage to the unlimited possibilities that present themselves when one notices an unwanted appendage growing out of one’s back.

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