Are you ready to do this again? I swear these just get weirder and weirder. I’m not even including all the things people want Paula Deen to lick. See how good I am to you people?
“i’m going to kill you in the face” I had an incredibly rough morning where a man I’d never previously met accused me of being manipulative and a liar. I wish I’d had this line then. Because “no really, make yourself at home…in the face” just doesn’t have the same sort of authority.
“bitches in hoboken” Is there like a calendar now? Can I be Miss October? Do I have to wear animal print? And do I have to grow out my nails? That could be a problem. Have you ever tried to uke with long nails? Do I get to randomly add holidays to my month? If so, I decree October 14th as “Lick a Platypus In The Face Day.” I’m so excited. I’m going platypus shopping as soon as I finish this post.
“brave snailsex.com” Because lord knows no one would want to watch cowardly snail sex. Ahem.
“funny vagina with googly eyes” Is anybody else picturing Groucho Marx right now? I so wish I hadn’t lost my entire morning to having my character assassinated. Otherwise I would have photoshop-ed my vision for you all. So really, that probably worked out better for you, Interwebz. I’ll get you an address so you can send the prick a thank you note. Which will probably not be my current home address. Because…. You know what? Another post, another day. *grumble*
“his and her butt plug wedding cake toppers” A friend of mine’s mother is getting married in June. The mother is a born again Christian. You see where I’m going with this, right? How hard can it be to crash a wedding and switch out the cake toppers while no one is looking? Also? Why didn’t y’all tell me about such things when Gwatt got married. I’m giving these to everyone who gets married from here on out. Send me invitations, STAT.
“hydrochloric acid for hpv warts” Worst. Idea. Ever. Want a little friendly advice from me to you? Never smear anything that smokes on contact with human skin ANYWHERE near your bits. Unless you’re going to video tape it. Because obviously.
“what happened to emilio estevez’s face” Exactly how cool and composed would your face be if your sibling started sucking the hemoglobin out of jungle cats and dressing like a pupil at Hogwarts Academy? Actually, I don’t even understand this question. DID something happen to Emilio Estevez’s face? *opens new window* Google says no. *scrutinizes pictures* You know that Breakfast Club was filmed nearly thirty years ago, right? It’s called getting old. And/or having sex with Paula Abdul.
“minty fresh drag queen” I prefer my drag queens to be vanilla scented. Unless it’s around the holidays. Then I like my drag queens with a hint of knotty pine.
“hand painted baby” Look, I’m glad y’all liked the ukulele and all, but no matter how orange the fuck trophy is when it bursts forth from my vagina like a homicidal, spike-covered cannon ball, I’m not going to paint some polka dots on it and FedEx it off to one lucky winner. Probably. Unless it cries a lot. Or smells funny. You’re right, let’s not rush to judgment on this one.
So yet again you can sleep soundly knowing that no matter how fucked in the head you might be, at least you aren’t the person trolling the web for “brave snailsex.com.” Pat yourself on the back, Interwebz.
Last but not least, if you need more…what the hell do you come here for, anyway? Regardless, there’s more of it over at Sprocket Ink today. I’ve decided Snooki is actually Yoda.
Or how about? My felt vagina with glued on googley eyes is going to kill you right in your face.
Because THAT I could make a reality for you.
Me. A Puppet. Someones face. My Tyson one two drop.
Also. I love you and if people are mean to you I feel morally obligated to level their homes and stand on the smoking remains while reciting lines from Apocalypse Now.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
You made me snarf soup across the table and onto Rocco’s fries with that comment.
Well I’m back again because I’m agitated that someone was mean to you. And called you a liar.
Something needs to be done and due to the imminent government shut down I’ve appointed myself the new absolute ruler and therefore am able to hand out justice.
Draw me a picture of what you feel the appropriate punishment should be and I will consult with my military leaders.
Where’s my red sharpie?
You know how you tell brave snail sex from cowardly snail sex? Brave snails have their faces painted blue. Cowardly snails have their cajones turned blu…
You know what? Nevermind!
When are Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen gonna do a duet?
Crap! You named them?! It’s going to be even harder to turn the hose on them now.
Hah! I knew snailsex was one word. Take that in the FACE Merriam Webster!
Oh it is Merriam isn’t it? Shit.
I thought that was part of the joke. That they didn’t even know how to spell Miriam?
Oh. Yeah. Um. That’s totally how I meant it.
You wouldn’t want to sell your place to an asshole anyway. Don’t worry. St. Joe will take care of him — he knows people. KNOWS PEOPLE.
*sigh* Oh Joe, why won’t you put out?
I can’t believe someone insulted you. That’s like insulting, um, well someone really famous who shouldn’t be insulted. Sorry, I had a little trouble coming up with people I wouldn’t insult. Except you, of course, I would NEVER do that. And I’m completely willing to stab the bastard with the sword Sean bought off Ebay. In fact, more than willing. I WANT to.
How’s the fuck tropy treating you? Hope you’re doing well.
I normally like insults. Especially when there’s a group of us hurling them over pitchers of beer. But 1) not drinking and 2) wasn’t a group and 3) stab, stab, stab.
I couldn’t even read this post entirely because I am trying to recover from someone being MEAN TO YOU. I am feeling especially vengeful, so if you need some muscle, I’m your girl. Fucker doesn’t know about the power of bloggers apparently. Our finger muscles are like, really strong.
Especially when those bloggers ALSO play a mean keyboard!
I didn’t used to be fucked up enough to search for bravesnailsex.com. So thanks for that. That guy? He needs to be snailsexed in the face. By the blue painted war snails, too. Not the cowardly lion snails. Or something.
I’m really tempted to go catch a snail and paint its face for you and Hellish…
So who is this fool who insulted you? Does he not know you have minions? Does he not know we will hunt him down and smite him for daring to defame and upset our Queen? If he wasn’t such an arse in need of at least a little defenestration and maybe a marriage to Paula Abdul, I would pity the fool.
Oh and I personally I prefer my drag queens to smell like bacon. But then again I have a thing for deli small goods.
Technically, shouldn’t the drag queens smell like salami?
Actually, i pictured this girl, from notting Hill:
Who I happen to think is adorable.
As for brave snail sex…
Actually I got nothin’.
– B x
Draw on the eyebrows, the ‘stache, some glasses…and that IS Groucho Marx.
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