Search Optimization-ish

I’m in a full on funk today.  Seeing how it’s a Monday, odds are you are too.  So let’s distract ourselves by laughing at other people and all the weird things they search for, shall we?

let me tell you about my balls” Wow.  What a place to start.  Balls are not my favorite things.  If it’s all the same to you, I’d really rather skip that conversation.  Unless you’re a cricket.  Then it’s on.  Because frankly I’m still a little perplexed at how you carry those things around.  You’re like ants, but instead of using your superhero-esque strength to move food, you use it to keep your balls from dragging on the ground.  That’s pretty fascinating.  But I seriously doubt you’re a cricket seeing as how I’ve never met a cricket who could type.  Also I’ve never really “met” a cricket.  Not even in Times Square.  Where they also drop balls.  Did you see how I brought that back around full circle?  Like a ball?  Ok I’m done.  Probably.

blue dog and in that gap all human sadness” You’re having the same day I’m having, aren’t you?  I hear Lifetime is having a “stop raping my daughter” movie marathon.  Wanna join me on the couch where we can sip on gingerale and nibble at goldfish crackers?

rhymes with splat” Splat is one of my favorite words ever.  It’s more fun than crinkle, even.  When you finish your splat poem, will you please send it to me?  Or embroider it on a pillow?!?

dirty fucking velociraptor” Whoa, whoa, whoa.  I say again WHOA.  What did velociraptors ever do to you?  Everyone knows the velociraptors were the philosophers of the Paleowhatever Era.  They brought enlightenment to the dinosaurs.  Without velociraptors, tyrannosaurus rex would never have had the confidence to leave his lair with those teeny, tiny arms.  The pterodactyl would have never had the courage to fly.   And that Spencer for Hire guy would have never had a career rejuvenation.  Huh.  Would you look at that?  The guy in Jurassic Park wasn’t in Spencer for Hire after all.  That’s not cool.  Fuck you, velociraptors.

unicorn poop is rainbow colored and smells like sex” You’re having sex that smells like cupcakes?  I think one of you might be diabetic.  You should probably have that checked out STAT.  Or maybe ease up on the alcoholic whipped cream, k?

nutella and heart palpitations” Just how much Nutella are you eating on a daily basis, dude?  You know there isn’t a single study that’ll tell you Nutella lowers cholesterol.  Not even if you spread it on your forehead while doing cardio.

how can i get my hair to look like david lee roth’sThen or now?  I think it’s an important distinction.  For the “then” look, soak your hair in champagne and Mountain Dew, then lay flat while fourteen underage groupies ride you like the pony they never had producing giant rat nests at the base of your neck.  Then stand in front of a giant industrial fan while latex clad models whip your hair into a frenzy with their equally gigantic hair and demonic powers.  For the “now” look, call Justin Bieber and ask for his stylist’s number.  It probably still involves groupies but I think most of them are significantly older than the groupies needed for the “then” look.

i am unicorn clouse”  I am the walrus.  Coo coo ka choo.  Freak.

mature older stripper pole dance”  They swore up and down there wasn’t a video of me taking that pole dancing class.  Damnit.  Never trust a velociraptor, I tell ya.

meat falling from the sky 2011”  I’m a little fuzzy on how this is different from the last search query…

In other news, I’m considering starting some sort of pen pal program for these lost searchers.  For example, I think the person that searched for “when i first found my vagina” should probably get together with the person that searched for “where is my happy place.”  After all, the internet is about togetherness, right?  Well, that and porn.  Duh.


  1. Didn’t the Paleowhatever Era come right after the Mesothelioma Era?

    Yep, I just made a dinosaur cancer joke.

    I have no explanation.

  2. I’m making “Dirty Fuckin’ Velociraptor” my meme of the week.

    Saying it out loud to punctuate sentences feels oddly satisfying.

  3. YOu need to scream that out during a drug fueled stage show at the 9:30 club.
    “And this one goes out to all the DIRTY FUCKIN VELOCIRAPTORS in the audience…YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”
    Also, after I have sex the whole room smells like strawberry cupcakes with warm vanilla icing.
    Then sprinkles explode out of balloons I’ve hung all over and we all laugh and talk about how awesome it is to mix copulation and bakery goods.
    Ahhhh.. I will leave now

    1. Actually the word copulate is Latin for cupcake. So even the Romans knew of the allure of bakery fresh sex. The greeks however were just a bunch of Dirty Fucking Velociraptors.

    2. Are you sure it isn’t your husband that contributes the “warm vanilla icing?” And by “husband” I mean “marching band.”

  4. And David Lee Roth might appreciate being introduced to the Unicorn poop person. Maybe not, but if it is rainbow colored and smells like sex, I think he would totally be in

  5. dude, those searches just keep getting better and better.

    i wish so badly that we could find these people. but i’m so very scared at the same time.

  6. Not judging, but you should probably avoid the really big bong while you’re pregnant, because you’ll spend all your time eating goldfish crackers and drinking ginger ale, and then you’ll never get the nursery ready. Stick to the smaller bong (or, hey, what’s wrong with a pipe) while you’re knocked up. You’ll feel much better prepared when the baby gets here. Trust me. *shooting star, rainbow* The More You Know.

  7. Thank you for making me LOL several times after a stupidly long day at the beginning of a stupidly long week. FYI, Dirty Fucking Velociraptor was a common term of endearment backstage at “Enron.” xoxo

  8. I mentioned you in my post today. Surely you had a sudden feeling of euphoria this morning around 8AM? That should count for something. Adter all, it’s not everyday that someone is compared to an insect.

  9. This post produced a surplus of analog lols in real life. I do contemplate though, if unicorn poop smells like sex (cupcakes), If Unicorns have anal Unicourse would that create a smell of cupcakes to the second power? A group of freak unicorn, David Lee Roth groupies having a unicourse 3some whil…. mindblow… error…error.

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