Yes. We’re doing this again. Because frankly I really need to share these crazy search terms with you people so they don’t stay trapped inside my brain slowly gnawing their way through my sludgy brain matter and out my thick skull.
“inhale ranch” Oh honey, I love ranch as much as the next girl. Fuck that. I love ranch WAY more than the next girl. But trust me, inhalation is not the best way to consume ranch. May I suggest you try it on a cucumber, a carrot, or any type of fried food. Not all white things should enter your system via a straw in your nose. (Cue the “The More You Know!” graphic and soundbite.)
“funny songs using the word lederhosen” Oh dear searcher, that’s easy! The true challenge is in finding a song with the word lederhosen that is NOT funny. “Mein lederhosen has a first name…” Let’s try that again. “When you get lost between the lederhosen and New York City…” See? Lederhosen = Funny. The end.
“how to…” I have a whole “how to” section this month! It seems December is the month people like to tackle new projects. Here’s my top three:
- “how to stop drinking mouthwash” Don’t start. You’re welcome.
- “how to wear plastic cod pieces” Sparingly. And with leg warmers.
- “how to snails get out of my pussy” *forehead crashes into desk*
“jesus bedazzler” You know I had to google this myself, right? I mean, what if such a thing really existed, right? Well it doesn’t. I can’t find any record of a bedazzler designed specifically to work on religious figures. Unless you count this crystal Jesus. Which is WAY more tasteful than a bedazzled Jesus, am I right? *scans sky for dark storm clouds and random bolts of lightening*
“her cone is red” *whispers* The cow barks at midnight. Deliver the package. Coo coo ka choo.
“are you a pony? I want a pony freakazoid” I um…well you might be in right place. I’m definitely not a pony. Ok I’m probably not a pony. But more importantly, what are you hoping to do to this pony once you find it? And is it a miniature pony? Does it have tiny pony sneakers or are you going to try and put weird GaGa meat shoes on that poor pony? On second thought, I think you’re looking for this guy. (Do I need to warn you that you maybe shouldn’t click on that link at work?)
“puke sneeze travel” So you want to start your own travel agency? Well rest assured, my little entrepreneur! No one has registered Puke Sneeze Travel as an LLC yet! You get on out there and register pukesneezetravel.com just as fast as you can!
“flavor flav wine” Oh holy mother of Massengill, your favorite member of of Public Enemy is honestly about to release his own champagne – Chateaux Le Flav. This is all too much to process. I need to lie down.
You know what’ll make us all feel better? My new favorite video of all time! Enjoy and try and wipe all these visions of Flavor Flav riding mini ponies while wearing a bedazzled Jesus clock and swigging mouthwash on his way to board a plane.
Lady, are you going to answer my question or not? Because these Pussy Snails aren’t going to take care of themselves.
I think Tom has the best possible answer below. I’m going to nominate him for a Nobel prize.
Though, you know what? I think that’s how I came down with Pussy Snails in the first place.
I hear the CDC is looking into the recent outbreak of this condition.
It’s still better than the Cal Worthington-related condition, “Pussy Cow.”
OK I had to google that and it was SO worth it.
Oh. My. God. Snails!?!? I think I need some Chateaux Le Flav.
Ew car got.
Chateaux Le Flav? Does it smell like weed perhaps?
You have to roll your own champagne flute.
1. Yes, I did have ranch… but I didn’t inhale.
2. “Lederhosen killed my dog”… Nah, still kinda funny.
3. How to: get image of someone trying to get snails get out of her pussy out of my head.
4. I happen to know for a fact that He does not approve of bedazzeling.
5. The eagle swims at dawn (package received).
6. Sigh!!! I want a pony too.
7. I was really sick this one time and, yes, puke sneeze does travel… quite far, actually.
8. Chateaux Le Flav’s people need to rethink the marketing. His picture on the side of the carton is a bit off-putting.
*doff hat* Well done, sir!
I believe Chateaux Le Flav, and a turkey baster is the answer to the snail question.
Or perhaps that’s a recipe for Escargot. I forget.
You win. By a landslide.
I would like to take a moment to thank all the shellfish, that made this possible. Lobster’s, snails, briny shrimp, and sea monkeys, Bugginword just wouldn’t be the same without the magic you bring to the party.
On another note. Kinda. I think you need to go to this blog and meet the girl in the video. I think you’re going to like her. http://roxanneandlorraine.blogspot.com/2011/01/karaoke-blog-ring-of-death-oh-fawk.html
She may well be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’m learning that song for my next family reunion.
I love the patty-cake cats!
Somehow I knew you would…
Okay, so I’m wholesome and like cute animals. Is that a crime? IS THAT A CRIME?
Only in West Virginia.
The frightening part is that there are most likely people out there who do inhale ranch, or at least attempt to.
Oh Ranch, how I miss you. You do not have the shelf life of Cheerwine and MoonPies. I will see you again soon, dear friend.
Flavor Flav and wine? Yeah boooiiiiii! Or no, not at all.
I hear Brigitte Nielsen uses it to steam her snails.
Patty-cake cats, I have seen, but the dialogue adds an incredible look into the leetle minds of the kitties for added laughter… teehee!
Hahaha, the video is awesome! Oh dear, I am so amused by such shenanigans.
Although…I’ve gotta say I believe I may have used Puke Sneeze Travel in the past.
Now back to the video.
Twenty time and counting. I need an intervention.
Somewhere there is a little girl in a commune that wishes everyday for a Jesus bedazzler. The code word is the her cone is red. Until then… no dazzle.
That makes me feel I should pull out my bedazzler and cover all my bedding in homage to her plight!
I heard that nuns use the Jesus bedazzler right before they take their vows…. makes sense to me…
LOVE the patty cake cats!
Yup Tom wins!
“how to snails get out of my pussyâ€œ *forehead crashes into desk*
Easy for you to scoff, this is a serious question..!
Please oh please let there be no salt involved.
Puke, Sneeze, Travel is affiliated with Lysol brand travel-sized disinfectant.
I went off on a tangent with your post and read another where you said you checked your blog stats before you pee in the morning. If you were my age and you did that, you’d need a shower and a new desk chair after reading your groupies’ comments. There should probably be a kind of Depends for Crazy Astronaut Lady-types and post-menopausal bloggers.
I’m generally of the opinion that the word lederhozen is never EVER used enough.
Also, I’m just insanely jealous of your search term stats.
The most exciting one I’ve ever had is “cock turtleneck”, or possible “her big red nipples”.
*blushing and putting on sweater*
– B x
now just because i happen to like flavor flav, there’s no reason to call me holy mother of masengill.
Dammit. I watched the nice kitties and cleared my mind, but scrolling through the comments brought back the ranchy vajazzling pussy snails, and now I’m blind. Again.
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