Search Optimization-ish

What’s the only thing more frightening than election results?  Ayup, the freaky search terms that lead people to my site.  I don’t even know what to say about these anymore.  Of course, that doesn’t stop me from rambling on anyway, does it?

lady gaga’s bellybutton”  Really?  Of all the things on Lady Gaga that you might want to stare into deeply, you’re going with her bellybutton?  When did bellybuttons become such a thing?  This is two months in a row they’ve shown up in my search terms.  Do I write about belly buttons that much?  Maybe it’s a tattoo thing?  OH DEAR GOD!  Whatever you do, don’t do an image search for belly button tattoos.  Unless you’re reading this at 1am.  Then go to town.

prune vagina”  These vague ones always confuse me.  Are we talking about a dried plum here?  I hope not, because a) fruits, much like chickens, don’t have vaginas and b) prunes make me sad – as do raisins, sundried tomatoes, and dates.  Apricots are cool though.  I think it’s because they’re orange and therefore cheery.  No one would ever liken a vagina to an apricot, am I right?  Focus, Elly.  So back to the prune thing, are we talking about the verb?  As in in “prune the hedges?”  Now I’m having horrible visions of overall-clad, burly men attacking sad dried out fruits with giant tree trimming tools.  I don’t think I like you, Prune Vagina Person.  You’re harshing on my mellow.

Reginald Goldfinger”  YES!  Now you I like!  Let’s hold hands and say bad things about Prune Vagina Person in hushed voices.  Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.  How could I leave my tiny gilded giraffe without a powerful last name!  What was I thinking?  Forgive me Reginald.  Forgive me Shawn.  I’ll make it up to you all by whittling a tiny monocle out of soap stone for Reginald Goldfinger.

“rainbow puke” Someone has a sick unicorn.  Don’t fret, he probably just ate too much Halloween candy.  There’s really no need to worry unless he doesn’t poop any cupcakes for more than a forty-eight hour period.  Just to be safe though, try not to lick him.  He might be contagious.

tattuagi sulpube”  Apparently this is not an ancient training method known only to Mr. Miyagi as I initially suspected.  No.  It’s even better.  Now I (and you, too!) know how to say vattooing in Italian.  I know I can’t be the only one that’s spent the last three months fretting that someone would ask me that and I wouldn’t know the answer.  Crisis averted.  Here’s a bonus lesson, Interwebz!  Based on some of my other queries, I’m going to assume “zapfenstreich scheide” is the German equivalent.  You can now say it in three (count ’em – THREE!) languages.  This place is more educational than Sesame Street!

towers of mayonnaise”  Because obviously one tower couldn’t possibly be enough, there must be multiple towers of mayonnaise, reaching for the sky in their creepy-yellowing-around-the-edges viscous glory.  All hail the Mayor of the Manor of Mayo!  Is it weird that now I can’t stop wondering what sort of support system you’d need to actually construct a tower of mayo?  Don’t answer that.  Let’s go ahead and focus on a solution.  Do you think wire mesh would work?  I need an engineer.  And a lot of mayonnaise. Can I use your driveway?

spayce”  Oh I know this game!  “The finayle frontiyer.”  What did I win?  It better not be a vinyl Star Trek uniform.  Speaking of which, did you see George Takei’s video contribution to the “It Gets Better” campaign?  You go, Sulu.

a dog wearing a headband”  I am 90% sure I’ve never written anything about a dog in a headband, so I did a quick Google Images search just for kicks.  It gave me this picture of LaToya Jackson.  I’m pretty sure I’ve written about LaToya since at one point I considered naming my boobs Tito and LaToya.  But I don’t put headbands on my boobs.  At least I don’t write about it.  You know what?  This seems like an awfully good time to stop.

Yes, it’s a good time to stop because the next thing on my list is “gamecock clear decal for cornhole” and I really don’t know what to say about it.  Talk amongst yourselves.  I’m going to read some Steinbeck or something so I can pretend like an intelligent, relatively normal person.


  1. There is nothing makes my day brighter than hearing George Takei’s voice, except hearing George Takei’s voice say “YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG!” over and over. 🙂 Way to get a message across Georgy boy. I just love that video.

    Also I’m hoping Prune Vagina Person was talking about waking up to find their vageen shriveled because that is amusing me greatly.

    No I will not get help. Good day to you my good woman.

    1. I would wear one of those ridiculous star trek communicator thingies every day if it had a sound chip inside it with a recording of George Takei’s douchebaggery decleration.

  2. Is THAT why is hasn’t been raining? Someone’s unicorn is sick and they keep puking up the rainbow they’re supposed to poop (you know when they’re out of cupcakes) and so it hasn’t been raining because you can’t have rain without a rainbow?

    Oh wait, there it goes! I guess that means the unicorn is over that 30-day stomache virus that’s been going around.

    I feel better now.

  3. Reginald Goldfiner just dropped his dratted monacle in the piping hot bowl of soup he brought me in my chambers.
    I was thinking that the mayonaise tower could be in homage to the mashed potato mountain that Richard Dreyfus constructs during dinner in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
    I love that scene.

  4. Yeah, I just spelled GOLDFINGER wrong.
    That is the kind of careless shit my English professors used to drone on and on about.

  5. Also I don’t think DRATTED is a word. It just sounded like something my English Butler would say if he spilled or dropped something.

  6. Hmm…what brand of mayonnaise are we constructing a tower with? I’ll need to know the viscosity, and density to be certain, but I think old pantyhose stretched between wide flanged W18 x 96 steel columns would be the best approach. But that’s my solution for just about everything.

  7. Gamecock and cornhole, now those are two words I don’t often put together. But apparently someone does, huh? And now I’ll never hear one without thinking of the other. Not sure how I feel about that.

  8. omg i’d never let an overall-clad, burly man prune my hedges with giant tree trimming tools. first, i’m a little more maintained than a rain forest (only slightly these days). and second, tatyana isn’t that sadistic, she just hisses at me in her native tongue.

    1. I have this weakness for overalls. Ever watch that Homes on Holmes guy? Yeah…I’m worried about what kind of heavy machinery I’d let him come at me with.

  9. “a dog wearing a headband”

    That’s inspiring… Should it be a song? A poem? A haiku, specifically? Maybe it needs to be a small sculpture? Where do I go from here, Elly? Where?

  10. You have to wonder why there are actually people searching for such references as rainbow puke & gamecock clear decal for cornhole to begin with… Maybe it’s best not to know.

  11. when it comes to politics i usually can’t stand the thought but i do know one thing: i would totally vote for Reginald Goldfinger

  12. And I was impressed with “Don Johnson smells cat urine” sending someone to my blog. I am now going to work ‘tattuagi sulpube’ into at least one conversation each day.

  13. I think of Reginald Goldfinger as a prune vagina, much like the California Raisins of yore. With a monocle. And a cane. He sounds a lot like a gold vagina version of Mr. Peanut.

    I pull up ONE AND TWO in the rankings for cheddar cheese taco vag.

  14. Oh, I too would like to pair with Reginald Goldfinger. But I threw up in my mouth a little over the towers of mayonnaise. That said, of course, I gave it some thought. I think a fibrous, meaty core of pepperoni or linguica would give the tower something to adhere to. Just plant it deep in the ground. And not on a sunny day. Chickens don’t have vaginas? Really?

  15. Full disclosure here.
    I used to eat mayonnaise on white wonder bread…..with nothing else.
    No meat, no cheese, not even a smattering of mustard.
    Besides being the WHITEST sandwich on the face of the earth it sustained me through the lean years. Age 4 thru 7.

    1. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

      I was big into mustard sandwiches at the same age. Not the hot mustard, but the “cold” mustard (Kraft). In retrospect, I must have been borderline malnourished given the number of foods I was willing to eat.

      1. I just had a vision of Wendy O. Williams from the Plasmatics, covered in mayonnaise and white bread.

        It was not a pretty vision.

  16. Maybe they mean *packets* of mayo. I’m pretty sure you can build a support system for a tower of mayo packets. Maybe. Mmmm…mayo.

    As for your “gamecock clear decal for cornhole”, I believe I can definitely shed some light on that. It’s referring to the game that’s suddenly so popular here in the south, especially among football tailgating folks: Cornhole. They toss sacks at each others holes cut in a platform of wood. They probably just wanted a Cock sticker to put on their wood.

    Oh dear, that didn’t help did it?

    Oh well, GO COCKS!

  17. You got the best search words! Google should give you an award or something. srly! My top search word has been TURKEY since September.

Comments are closed.