What’s the only thing more frightening than election results? Ayup, the freaky search terms that lead people to my site. I don’t even know what to say about these anymore. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from rambling on anyway, does it?
“lady gaga’s bellybutton” Really? Of all the things on Lady Gaga that you might want to stare into deeply, you’re going with her bellybutton? When did bellybuttons become such a thing? This is two months in a row they’ve shown up in my search terms. Do I write about belly buttons that much? Maybe it’s a tattoo thing? OH DEAR GOD! Whatever you do, don’t do an image search for belly button tattoos. Unless you’re reading this at 1am. Then go to town.
“prune vagina” These vague ones always confuse me. Are we talking about a dried plum here? I hope not, because a) fruits, much like chickens, don’t have vaginas and b) prunes make me sad – as do raisins, sundried tomatoes, and dates. Apricots are cool though. I think it’s because they’re orange and therefore cheery. No one would ever liken a vagina to an apricot, am I right? Focus, Elly. So back to the prune thing, are we talking about the verb? As in in “prune the hedges?” Now I’m having horrible visions of overall-clad, burly men attacking sad dried out fruits with giant tree trimming tools. I don’t think I like you, Prune Vagina Person. You’re harshing on my mellow.
“Reginald Goldfinger” YES! Now you I like! Let’s hold hands and say bad things about Prune Vagina Person in hushed voices. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways. How could I leave my tiny gilded giraffe without a powerful last name! What was I thinking? Forgive me Reginald. Forgive me Shawn. I’ll make it up to you all by whittling a tiny monocle out of soap stone for Reginald Goldfinger.
“rainbow puke” Someone has a sick unicorn. Don’t fret, he probably just ate too much Halloween candy. There’s really no need to worry unless he doesn’t poop any cupcakes for more than a forty-eight hour period. Just to be safe though, try not to lick him. He might be contagious.
“tattuagi sulpube” Apparently this is not an ancient training method known only to Mr. Miyagi as I initially suspected. No. It’s even better. Now I (and you, too!) know how to say vattooing in Italian. I know I can’t be the only one that’s spent the last three months fretting that someone would ask me that and I wouldn’t know the answer. Crisis averted. Here’s a bonus lesson, Interwebz! Based on some of my other queries, I’m going to assume “zapfenstreich scheide” is the German equivalent. You can now say it in three (count ’em – THREE!) languages. This place is more educational than Sesame Street!
“towers of mayonnaise” Because obviously one tower couldn’t possibly be enough, there must be multiple towers of mayonnaise, reaching for the sky in their creepy-yellowing-around-the-edges viscous glory. All hail the Mayor of the Manor of Mayo! Is it weird that now I can’t stop wondering what sort of support system you’d need to actually construct a tower of mayo? Don’t answer that. Let’s go ahead and focus on a solution. Do you think wire mesh would work? I need an engineer. And a lot of mayonnaise. Can I use your driveway?
“spayce” Oh I know this game! “The finayle frontiyer.” What did I win? It better not be a vinyl Star Trek uniform. Speaking of which, did you see George Takei’s video contribution to the “It Gets Better” campaign? You go, Sulu.
“a dog wearing a headband” I am 90% sure I’ve never written anything about a dog in a headband, so I did a quick Google Images search just for kicks. It gave me this picture of LaToya Jackson. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about LaToya since at one point I considered naming my boobs Tito and LaToya. But I don’t put headbands on my boobs. At least I don’t write about it. You know what? This seems like an awfully good time to stop.
Yes, it’s a good time to stop because the next thing on my list is “gamecock clear decal for cornhole” and I really don’t know what to say about it. Talk amongst yourselves. I’m going to read some Steinbeck or something so I can pretend like an intelligent, relatively normal person.