Search Optimization-ish

Yup.  It’s your favorite time of the month, Interwebz.  Yet again, I’m going to prove that my readers are even more whacked in the cabeza than I am by sharing the frightening searches that bring new viewers here to my vagina-infused world.  Sickos.

putting out fire with vaseline” – I just lost five minutes of my life learning how to make a fire starter out of a vaseline soaked cotton ball.  Based on my wealth of recently acquire vaseline knowledge, I’m going to out on a limb here and say that you can’t put out a fire with vaseline.  You should probably pour a bottle of vodka on there instead.

teeth vajazzling” – My head hurts already.  I really need you searchers to be more specific.  Is this about applying crystals to your teeth in an attempt to achieve a more feminine grill?  Or is this another freakish fetish thing about applying the vajazzling jewels to the normal vajazzle area, but instead of using your fingers in the application process, you use your teeth?  Either way, I’m having trouble finding the appeal.

“coughing dislodge IUD” – CAN THAT HAPPEN?!  Like IUD’s don’t already terrify me?  I need to hear about more freakish accidents involving those things?  Yet another reason for me to avoid throwing a rusty paper clip up through the kayak and into my climate controlled storage unit of a uterus.  THIS IS THE STUFF HORROR MOVIES ARE MADE OF, people.  Stop it.  You are freaking me out.

maryland flying vaginas motorcycle” – I met a whole mess of rowdy Maryland bloggers at that conference last month, but I never would have guessed they ran in a motorcycle gang.  I’m betting Mary Mac is the ringleader.  I can picture her and Amy rolling down the Ocean City Boardwalk with their handlebar streamers waving in the salty breeze.  Unless…well…I suppose I could have misread that.  Maybe it’s just a single motorcycle covered in flying vaginas.  In that case, I’m betting it belongs to Sarah P.   If I’m right, you need to send me a picture of you standing in front of the Bearded Clam Bar with your vagina encrusted motorcycle, STAT.  Get on that.  (That’s what she said.)

biggest shuttlecock” – I believe this is currently the world’s biggest shuttlecock.  Though I’m thinking we should make shuttlecock an insult.  I’m tired of calling people ass hats and twat waffles.  I need a little variety in life.  Henceforth, this is the world’s biggest shuttlecock.  (That, or the the person who searched for “coughing dislodge IUD” and single-handedly ruined my chances of sleeping for the next thirty-odd years.)  Now try using it in a sentence at least three times today so it can become a regular part of your vocabulary.

what is a cute word that ends with ‘elly’” – Um.  Try “Elly.”  It’s cute and perfect and doesn’t need to be weighed down with any of your “other” letters.  Oppressor.

white stuff looks like parmesan cheese in between my vagina lips” – Well it turns out I DO have a line, folks.  And this little doozie is well past the aforementioned line.  Now who’s ready for lunch?

I love my pearl necklace, scene 1” – FADE IN: Exterior of Elly’s childhood home.  Move through foyer, down hallway, and into parent’s bedroom.  Peggy is wearing a latex french maid’s ensemble while Bob wears his green lederhosen from 1968.  Narrator suddenly realizes this is just too fucking weird.  FADE TO BLACK.

Because I love you so very much, I’ve yet again shielded you from the more disturbing searches.  Suffice it to say there is a surprisingly high number of people out there that want to see Sarah Palin perform some physically challenging acts with tiny horses while suspended in midair.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to spend the rest of the day washing my eyes out with steel wool and bleach.


        1. Hells if I know. We need to write this epic wrong immediately. Though you should know I’m bad at lyrics AND melody. But I’m really good at those weird grunting noises and claps you always hear in the background at da clubs. Oh yeah and I’m street. Word.

  1. oh yes, putting out fire with vaseline always a crowd pleaser. I almost coughed up whatever I just swallowed with the coughing up the IUD. Can he breathe through his ears?

  2. Perhaps “teeth vajazzling” refers to applying the jewels in the pattern of teeth? Like a huge gaping maw open and ready to chomp down?

    ‘Cause I’m sure that would get the wearer laid more often…..

    1. Seriously? You are on FIRE this week. But now I wonder if it’s about those “special” ladies with the vagina dentata action going on. Maybe it’s about bedazzling vagina teeth. Maybe I should have stopped at three pitchers of beer.

  3. i’m guessing teeth vajazzling is done for your (as in the universal “your,” not the elly “your”) partner’s sake. like a tongue piercing. and in which case your partner who likes this sort of thing must be the biggest shuttlecock around.

  4. I have so many searches that are disturbing that I want to share but some how I am befuddled by them.

    The one that said something like “my mom said it’s time to shave my cunt” is one that really sticks in my mind.

    I’ve tried gargling that one away and oooh boy there is not enough grain alcohol in this county.

  5. I so needed that today. You are way better than a Xanax or gallon of vodka. Had to lie down as I was laughing so much at “flying vagina motorcycles”, that I wasn’t getting enough O2 to the old noggin. Best reason to pass out in ages. Mind you I will also never ever eat parmeasan again (shudders and goes to find bleach to wash brain), that’s just wrong.

  6. LOL! It always makes me laugh when I find how people found my blog. Usually it has rainbows, glitter, dildos or DIY explosives as the key words. Go figure.

  7. I was just thinking of doing one of these searchy posts.

    And then I saw that a lot of child pornographers are somehow led to my site, and I’m just grateful I don’t post pictures of my kids.

    1. Hmmm. I’m not sure I’m buying it. I mean, you did use the word pornography which sorta sounds like Sarah, but you really got sloppy at the end there. Don’t think this is going to get you out of giving me that motorcycle, damnit.

  8. How lucky for me, I got to start the day out peeing my pants from laughter!! I recently started a JOB that involves search queries, and let me just say, so far no one has beaten anything I’ve seen in my own analytics.

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