I’ve got to get out more. I’m all about making up these bizarro projects and subsequent timelines for completing said projects. Couple this trait with my eternal cheaper-than-Scrooge mentality and things get pretty frickin weird around here.
Take Project Shower Curtain for example. Mmm, hmm. You heard me. I suppose I could also call it the Great Waffle Weave Expansion of 2009. Dear God, somebody stop me.
So the boy and I keep threatening to try the whole sell-our-apartment-and-move-some-place-where-I-can-have-my-own-water-heater thing again. We were discussing the possibility while perusing the aisles of our local Home Goods store (never pay full price, Dearies), just as we passed the Bed and Bath section. In a moment of weakness, I decided we needed to upgrade from the hideously stained $4 shower curtain that defiled our spa-like bathroom retreat, and I purchased (GASP!) a swanky new shower curtain for an extravagant $9.99 (DOUBLE GASP!). I was so heady from my shopping storgasm and the spray starch fumes that I even bought a new bath mat! The shame, oh the shame.
So I brought my new items back to Hoboken, and put them in their new home. I must admit the bathroom now looks a little more like a Comfort Inn rather than one of those rent-by-the-hour establishments that usually inspire my decor decisions. But as I held the discarded yet perfectly good shower curtain (read: pulled, stained, ripped, and bedraggled) in my arms, I just couldn’t bring myself to throw it in the trash. What kind of cheap hippie environmentalist would I be if I sent his to a landfill, right?
I know. These insights into the working of my addled chemo brain are quite frightening. You should try living in here. On second thought, don’t. It’s awful crowded in here – what with all the voices and delusions. What is wrong with me is no small thing.
I decided I needed to make shopping bags out of the fabric. That sounds reasonable, right? It was, until the Libra in me took over. See we Libras are drawn to beauty and we’re always on the quest to make things lovely and unique. So what started out as simple one piece shopping bags turned into these totes…with coordinating handles…and a cutie front pocket…that a little flap that stores the rolled up bag in a little self-contained log.
Did I mention I don’t sew? Woof.
What. A. Fucking. Disaster.
Somehow, three days, seven rolls of thread, four band aids, and one broken needle later, I successfully completed four incredibly disappointing tote bags. I had hoped they might be possible holiday gifts, but I think I’m too embarrassed by the horrid stitching to pawn them off on others. Jury’s still out though.
But there was STILL fabric left over. I debated taking the previously mentioned broken needle and gouging out my eyes, but after adding a little Bailey’s to my hot cocoa, I was able to forge deeper into my sewing sojourn.
I made gift bags! My friend Danielle’s mom always makes these cutie holiday bags instead of wrapping paper and I decided to rip her right off. Making my own wrapping paper substitute hit all my sweet spots – what with the free and the green and the excessively time intensive for debatable return. In typical Libra fashion, I had to take it up a notch by adding button holes and pretty ribbons and about five years off my life expectancy.
So from my one waffle weave shower curtain I managed to extract: three years of use as an actual shower curtain, four shopping totes, and four gift bags (ribbon sold separately). If you too feel the need to saddle yourself with silly excessive projects for minimal return, drop me a line and I’ll happily send you instructions…and medication. Because I went to all the trouble of taking them, I’m including some photos to add more depth to your mental image of my disaster as you mock me in your head.
Here’s hoping my holiday cards don’t get so complicated…