I’ve got to get out more. I’m all about making up these bizarro projects and subsequent timelines for completing said projects. Couple this trait with my eternal cheaper-than-Scrooge mentality and things get pretty frickin weird around here.
Take Project Shower Curtain for example. Mmm, hmm. You heard me. I suppose I could also call it the Great Waffle Weave Expansion of 2009. Dear God, somebody stop me.
So the boy and I keep threatening to try the whole sell-our-apartment-and-move-some-place-where-I-can-have-my-own-water-heater thing again. We were discussing the possibility while perusing the aisles of our local Home Goods store (never pay full price, Dearies), just as we passed the Bed and Bath section. In a moment of weakness, I decided we needed to upgrade from the hideously stained $4 shower curtain that defiled our spa-like bathroom retreat, and I purchased (GASP!) a swanky new shower curtain for an extravagant $9.99 (DOUBLE GASP!). I was so heady from my shopping storgasm and the spray starch fumes that I even bought a new bath mat! The shame, oh the shame.
So I brought my new items back to Hoboken, and put them in their new home. I must admit the bathroom now looks a little more like a Comfort Inn rather than one of those rent-by-the-hour establishments that usually inspire my decor decisions. But as I held the discarded yet perfectly good shower curtain (read: pulled, stained, ripped, and bedraggled) in my arms, I just couldn’t bring myself to throw it in the trash. What kind of cheap hippie environmentalist would I be if I sent his to a landfill, right?
I know. These insights into the working of my addled chemo brain are quite frightening. You should try living in here. On second thought, don’t. It’s awful crowded in here – what with all the voices and delusions. What is wrong with me is no small thing.
I decided I needed to make shopping bags out of the fabric. That sounds reasonable, right? It was, until the Libra in me took over. See we Libras are drawn to beauty and we’re always on the quest to make things lovely and unique. So what started out as simple one piece shopping bags turned into these totes…with coordinating handles…and a cutie front pocket…that a little flap that stores the rolled up bag in a little self-contained log.
Did I mention I don’t sew? Woof.
What. A. Fucking. Disaster.
Somehow, three days, seven rolls of thread, four band aids, and one broken needle later, I successfully completed four incredibly disappointing tote bags. I had hoped they might be possible holiday gifts, but I think I’m too embarrassed by the horrid stitching to pawn them off on others. Jury’s still out though.
But there was STILL fabric left over. I debated taking the previously mentioned broken needle and gouging out my eyes, but after adding a little Bailey’s to my hot cocoa, I was able to forge deeper into my sewing sojourn.
I made gift bags! My friend Danielle’s mom always makes these cutie holiday bags instead of wrapping paper and I decided to rip her right off. Making my own wrapping paper substitute hit all my sweet spots – what with the free and the green and the excessively time intensive for debatable return. In typical Libra fashion, I had to take it up a notch by adding button holes and pretty ribbons and about five years off my life expectancy.
So from my one waffle weave shower curtain I managed to extract: three years of use as an actual shower curtain, four shopping totes, and four gift bags (ribbon sold separately). If you too feel the need to saddle yourself with silly excessive projects for minimal return, drop me a line and I’ll happily send you instructions…and medication. Because I went to all the trouble of taking them, I’m including some photos to add more depth to your mental image of my disaster as you mock me in your head.
Here’s hoping my holiday cards don’t get so complicated…
Ok. You’re way more motivated than me. I buy shower curtains. Completed ones.
.-= JessicaÂ´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise =-.
I didn’t make the shower curtain! I’m so not THAT cool. I’m all about the deconstruction…and world domination.
Pretty fancy! They looked precised too. You definitely should start hustling that on the internet.
.-= Paul WynnÂ´s last blog ..I Rather Have the Beer =-.
Nope. No way I’m I doing that mess again. No how. Nothing doing. Until next month at least.
I have made tote bags out of everything from t-shirts to tablecloths. Why throw something away when you can drive yourself crazy trying to make it into something NICE, then get frustrated with it and throw it away six months later? That is a whole six months that stuff didn’t sit in a landfill. WIN, I say. WIN.
.-= AnneÂ´s last blog ..This, That, and The Other =-.
Oh you hear the voices, too?!? Will you be my roommate when we’re finally committed?
wow. I’m not sure what to say to all of this. this is beyond my brain.
.-= Martinis or Diaper Genies?Â´s last blog ..Creepy kids who whisper things like "I’ll scratch your eyes out" while you sleep. What? =-.
Beyond mine, too. I’ll be under my bed if you need me.
Well, you totally fooled me.
.-= JessicaÂ´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise =-.
Way to save the freaking project. I love how you pivoted undeterred and just dove right into the gift bags. For what it’s worth, I think the totes are cute as shit, but that’s the vagrant in me talking- I always need a big bag to put my bits of scut and found objects in.
.-= KellyÂ´s last blog ..For Those Who Helped Us Rock, We Salute You =-.
You should be in marketing! “Pivoted undeterred” sounds so much better than “delusionally continued.” No, I don’t think delusionally is a word, either.
my “sewing” projects always turn into a huge farking disaster that semi resemble the intended target and yet not really there. I hide mine with shame in the closet
.-= fidgetÂ´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Rockinâ€™ the â€˜hawk =-.
If I had more than one closet, I would TOTALLY hide these bitches in there. But I don’t, so that’s why I’ll give them as presents to people that have multiple closets where they can hide happily ever after.
That is fanfuckingtastic. And hilarious. MMMM Baileys and cocoa.
.-= mepsipaxÂ´s last blog ..Of poo and potpourri =-.
really??? you couch this whole bag making wizardry in a shroud of humility and shame. i am on to you. you are rightfully boasting your creativity and green earth saving ways in the most clever and hysterical way. the mere fact that you had the idea and the supplies is a dead give away. and the super DIY play by play photographs. quit trying to play the martha stewart fucktard card.you aint got it to play.
on a side note i love fidget for exposing me to yet another way to express myself: “farking”…where have i been??
I don’t know if I should be flattered or confounded! I’m so farking torn! Mad props to the fidge…and to Martha Stewart in all her embroidered-prison-shank magnificence.
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