Ponies Happen

I went to a dinner party earlier this week.  I broke my two river rule for a potluck that was devoid of both pot and luck.  I am a stupendous friend.

For the most part, it was a fantastic outing filled with good food and fun people.  I’m still sucking at all those, “So what do YOU do?” questions that inevitably arise within the first two minutes of a conversation with a total stranger.

We Totally Look Alike
We Totally Look Alike

I tried claiming I was in training to become a Pine Marten, but that didn’t fly.  So then I tried out different answers on various people.  While sipping water I started with, “I do some freelance marketing work and occasional consulting.”  Sadly, that won’t win me any most-interesting-gal-at-a-party awards so I had to add, “I spend all day online looking at weird things on the Internet.”

Halfway through my first glass of wine I changed my story to, “I’m a blogger.”  To try and add some credibility I added, “I spend all day putting weird things on the Internet.”

While mingling, I met a gal named Mildred.  Let me say that one more time – I met a gal named MILDRED.  Is that the best name ever in the history of the universe?  (Correct answer – it’s second only to Elly, of course.)  I spent the whole night working her name into sentences.  “So MILDRED, how do you like Queens?”  “I’d really like to hear MILDRED’s opinion on Neil Patrick Harris.”  “I’m off to fetch MILDRED a little more wine.”  “MILDRED, those boots are fantastic.”  “Oh my dearest MILDRED, what do you say we blow this popsicle stand, head to the village, and get matching tattoos with your name in them?”

I love a good name.  Listening to some tunes yesterday, I realized that if I was reincarnated as a racehorse I’d want to be named Stewball.  “He never drank water, he only drank wine.”  That’s pretty damn cool for a horse.

Then again, I only run when chased.  The odds of me making it as a racehorse are pretty slim.  I then decided I should settle for someday owning a horse and naming him Stewball.

But what about Wildfire?!?  Could I really have a horse and not name him Wildfire?  Isn’t Wildfire technically a pony name?  That’s what Michael Murphey said at least.

Not that I have a pony…or a horse…or solid plans to acquire either animal.  But a girl needs to be prepared, just in case.  Ponies happen.

Really it would have to be a pony instead of a horse.  One – they’re much smaller than racehorses.  If I’m going to fit a hoofed animal in my 700 sq ft apartment, I should probably shoot for the smallest critter possible.  Two – ponies are easier to name.  Case in point – you couldn’t really name a race horse Wildfire.  Comparatively, I think it would be pretty amusing to name a pony after a racehorse.  It would also be amusing to name a pony Magillicutty Vagina Juice.  Say, do ponies drink wine?  I’m not sharing my supply of vino with some booze-crazed burro.

Starlite Hanging with Rainbow Brite

Now that we’ve settle the great Pony vs Racehorse Debate of 2010, I can return my focus to the more important manners at hand.  Will PETA hunt me down and maim me if I hire a surgeon to add a horn and wings to my pony?  Can you litter train a pony?  Will my ferret dying experience be sufficient to successfully dye my pony?  Most importantly, what do I name my new pony?

You guys were pretty useless when I sought advice.  I’m not naming him Glue, Sloppy Joe, nor Frau Bluecher.  Starlight is still in the running, though.  I do love me some Rainbow Brite.  That girl knew how to rock the horizontal stripes and was not afraid of color.

Frankly Interwebz, I’m disappointed in you.  It’s like your not even trying (or like you left the house and enjoyed the beautiful weather this weekend instead of hanging on my every tweet).  If a pony happens today I’ll have to name him MILDRED.  I hope you’re happy.


  1. We once invited my wife’s new friend and her husband over for dinner.

    When I asked what he did for work, he said ‘soccer coach.’

    I responded by laughing and saying, ‘HA! Money good in that? Hahahaha.’

    Dead silence.

    Apparently, that’s a real job. I had no idea. I thought he was bitching about how much his kids play soccer.

    Good times. Good times.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping up the Week like a Diseased Wiggly =-.

  2. I love the video…oh my god, its about a magic horse that I came across after I at a bunch of magic mushrooms and wrote some Magic notes and then I may have passed out in my own vomit.

    OOOHH Glitter Magic, that is His name!

    1. You’re brilliant! Except then I couldn’t ride Mini-Mildred. At best I could make a saddle so my cat could ride her – a glitter covered saddle of course.

  3. Yay, you liked Starlight!!!

    (And watch out for @KeepingYouAwake sticking hot dogs ANYWHERE near a pony. First of all, they are meat. Second of all, I’m not sure WHERE he’d put one…)

    (For the record, I read all about your neighbor’s toilet water. <3)

    1. If I had a magical pony I wouldn’t have had to let a cigarette reeking plumber into my house at 7:30 this morning. Oh Starlight/Mini-Mildred/Ringo Bagahappenis where are you when I need you?!?

  4. Cassiopeia of course silly! I actually googled “unicorn names” and came up with that. Even more frightening? There is something out there called a “unicorn name generator”. Have you seen this shit? You’ll have to come up with more fantasy creatures to give out all the names this thing is “generating”.
    My childhood friend Julie painted a life size white unicorn rearing up majestically in front of a silver castle in her lavender room when we were kids. I was so fucking jealous I could have spit.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Pocket Atomic =-.

    1. According to the generator, my unicorn should be named Apocalypse. Apparently my unicorn would have a bad attitude and bring about the destruction of the world. That doesn’t seem very unicorn-esque to me. Maybe a drunk midget pony wouldn’t be so bad after all.

      Screw Julie and the horse/unicorn she rode in on.

  5. I second the idea of a mini-pony. You know that they also guide the blind? (http://www.guidehorse.com/) And, I understand the saddle sadness, but they wear SHOES. Tiny, laced-up PONY TENNIS SHOES. Can’t beat that.

    When my sister and I were kids, we had imaginary stables of horses and kept (non-imaginary) list of their names. They were all named things like Brightstar, Coco, and Sapphire. I’ll dig up that list if it’ll help. Clearly, I have a gift for this.
    .-= Falling´s last blog ..Happiness Is… (think Beatles, not Precious Moments) =-.

    1. Seriously I can’t decide which is more adorable – tiny pony shoes or two tiny ponies sleeping in a bed with their heads on pillows. Screw saddles – I’m going to bedazzle tiny pony shoes!! So are you going to do more procreating so as not to waste those fantastic names? I triple dog dare you to name a baby Sapphire.

  6. Okay, new name generated…….Majestic Sapphire. Thanks for the Sapphire part goes to Falling who ironically is right above me. Wait, is that irony?
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Pocket Atomic =-.

  7. after reading the post and comments, my mind can only respond with (zero pony names)…just my memory of a t-shirt i once saw on a very disturbed looking individual. it read “mustache rides 25c”…which also reminds me of a sicko(called your dad) that liked to refer to his mustache as a womb broom. how did we get to this place?
    .-= magda´s last blog ..Speaking of Pussy… =-.

  8. WTF??! How can you give up on a beautiful thoroughbred so easily? They need love too! *sigh* I will loan you space. Here in KY, you can come and visit and wear proper riding gear. We will drink mint juleps and explain to people you are just in from the East Coast to check on your race horse. Who is being trained here in Kentucky, the home of racing. DUH! Enough of this cutesy fucking stuff. Time to get real with it. We will enter her in The Oaks, because of course it will be a girl, and she shall have glittery silks, or maybe bedazzled…….I am fairly certain (100% certain, actually) no one has ever had bedazzled silks in The Downs LMAO I think her name should be The Vagina Blogalogues
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..So Now I know Why They Call It NashVegas =-.

  9. Wow.. Rainbow Brite.. really dating yourself there. Not like going stag to the prom single…
    I actually went to a party (ha party… ok dinner party) this weekend and had that awkward “What do you do?” convo. Luckily I have an interesting job. However, there were some interesting names.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..You guys scare me =-.

  10. When I dream of horned goldfish with British names wearing tiny pony shoes* and 70s porn mustaches, I’m blaming you all.

    *I used to play bass for a band called Tiny Pony Shoes.
    .-= Falling´s last blog ..Longer Out than In =-.

  11. I have nothing. Nothing for stupid pony name. I thought of Charlie but it is because of that stupid YouTube Charlie the Unicorn my kids begged me to watch with them. Is it not enough that I let them watch crap on YouTube? Why do they always want me to watch the crap too?!

    I am going to start calling you Mildred because I am a good friend.

    I wonder which one would be better when people ask what you do: I am a blogger vs. I make porn in my suburban house.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..You never know what’s going to remind you of your childhood… =-.

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