Forget Lindsay Lohan. Forget Charlie Sheen. You know who I want to party with?
Paula Deen, y’all.
Who else can take a ham to the face and just keep on laughing? And her time management skills are pretty darn solid. Unlike a certain girl that just spent forty-five minutes trying to photoshop a picture of her licking Paula Deen and tossing hams…which ended quite tragically, I might add.
So instead, I made a picture of Paula Deen licking Charlie Sheen.
Which, bee tee dubs, is fun to say. Try it. It’s lyrical and shit. Paula DEEN licking Charlie SHEEN. Paula DEEeeEEEN licking Charlie SHEEeeEEEN. I feel a uke composition coming on.
Also, have you ever noticed that if you roll over on your good ear and cross your eyes, you can almost convince yourself that car horns sound like violins?
Why yes, I did have trouble sleeping last night. How did you guess? Also, I might be suffering from that Writer’s Block thing I keep hearing so much about.
Well that’s not exactly true. I had every intention of writing a book review today but I seem to have spiraled off the track somewhere along the way. Damn you, Paula Deen. Although we’ve yet to meet, you’re a bad influence on me already with all your boozing and butter spreading and ab licking.
Hey. Here’s an idea. You, me, Russel Brand, NPH, five tons of butter, four small cranes and a whole mess of Sculpey. No? Too early in our friendship?
It seems a little late to try and turn this back into a book review, don’t it? Oh! I know! I’ll embrace my inner Paula Deen, y’all!
While I was home, I stopped in at the famous Stamey’s to pick up a mess of barbecue and hush puppies for Rocco. As I was waiting for my order, I noticed the subtle, four foot photo of peach cobbler beside my head and remarked to Dad, “Shit. I forgot cobbler. Rocco would have loved some of that.”
Dad slowly shook his head and whispered, “That isn’t cobbler. Ask your mom about the recipe she found from Grandmama Lonon. THAT’s cobbler. We’ll get her to make some while you’re here.”
And Interwebz? That shit was good. So good, in fact, it’ll make your tongue slap your brains out. Which may be why I have no brain left to write a coherent post. Consider that a warning I guess?
Unlike 99% of Grandmama Lonon’s recipes, there’s no fatback. Don’t tell my new bestie Paula, ok?
Anyway, here’s the recipe. (Slightly altered from the original because I refuse to buy canned berries in syrup.)
Grandmama Lonon’s Cobbler
4 cups frozen fruit (I like mixed berries)
1/2 cup butter (See Paula? We didn’t forsake you.)
1 cup flour
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
splash of apple juice
pinch of salt
1 cup milk
Bring fruit, apple juice, and 1/4 cup of sugar to a boil. In the meantime, melt butter in a 2 qt casserole. (I like to get the dish and butter hot in the oven cornbread style so there’s a nice crunchy edge when you add the batter.) Mix flour, remaining sugar, baking powder, and salt. Stir in milk. Beat until smooth. Pour into casserole. Pour hot blueberries on batter. DO NOT STIR. Bake at 350° for about 1 hr. The buttery cake rises around edge of fruit.
It tastes like home in the summertime – my favorite thing ever. After this picture, of course.
I don’t know if I can stop myself from stirring.
It’s like crossing the streams. Unless there’s a giant stay puffed marshmallow man trying to eat your face off, don’t stir.
Flying pussy? Where can I get one?
Heh. Double heh.
I would totally party with Paul and you.
And Paula too. *Slaps her own hands*
*takes hands, holds tenderly, brushes against cheek awkwardly*
It’s never too early in the friendship for Sculpey. I bet Paula would be totally down for that.
Paula is a down girl. I just know it.
Sing to the tune of “Teenage Dream”
I’ll let you put your ham on me, my sweet Paula Deen, I’ll be your Charlie Sheen tonight…
How is it that you keep making me fall more and more madly in love with you.
Oh hell yes. I am making this. Fruit cobbler = perfection. I want to make it with peaches and pears. Yes I do. Don’t try to stop me.
Also? “Tossing hams” sounds dirty. Just so you know.
I’m pretty sure it is…if you do it right.
That recipe sounds sooooo good. I think I’m gonna have to try that one when I get back in town.
Quite disturbing image of Paula on a flying pussy, but I was grounded by the tongue licking tummy toning she provided to Mr. Sheen. I guess, regardless, Paula is gettin’ some fur.
Hooch McD! You’re disgusting. I like that.
First of all? I’m making this this weekend. Second? “So good, in fact, itâ€™ll make your tongue slap your brains out”, It’s statements like that that make me glad I found you on the internets… seriously Elly. *hearts all aflutter*
Can you do me one of Buddy Valastro making out with Ina Garten?
That’s brilliant! I’m on it!
Nice Photoshop skillz baby! And won’t you come over tonight if you too are having trouble sleeping…
And… omg omg. This picture is WINNING.
You still owe me a cuddle.
Not to sure who Paula Deen is but I do like her style. Though, I’m pretty sure that licking Charlie Sheen’s belly may lead to Ebola, or at least a bad bout of anal fissures, nasty.
God damn that last picture is hypnotic, I think I just lost half a day, and I now have a hankering for wine and big hair. Weird.
She’s awesome. Seriously. I must party with her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MawQeAlsOEs
You are marvelous cobbler high and sleep deprived. Mad photoshop skills!
Tongues are my inspiration. I work almost exclusively in tongues. Heh.
What? No tiger blood in that recipe? What kind of cobbler is that?
WINNING! Or something. I think he and I might be on the same thing.
all the party people are in the house today. wait except for me! howsabout some photoshop mastery with me, russel brand and some cobbler? i think it would be good. as in oh so yummy.
I’ll be right over! I might even share some of my cheesecake.
Paula Deen makes Charlie Sheen look like a droopy-eyed, armless child.
It’s those crazy, ice blue eyes of her. They cast spells. Buttery spells.
I love Paula — I could listen to her talk in that adorable drawl forever. And the ham to the face would have been the end of me, so respect.
Does that mean that when Paula dies *shudder* we’re gonna have to pour ham juice on the ground when we say “one for my homies?”
My MIL has a great blueberry cobbler recipe that might be THIS EXACT ONE. Is it a granny conspiracy? I’ll dig up the recipe and compare later.
That all depends, how did your granny feel about fatback? We might just be related.
when I grow up I wanna be Paula Dean.
I have ALWAYS loved Paula Dean and often daydream what my life would be like if she had been my mom…
Paula has an entire restaurant just 40 minutes from me. Along with a Paula Deen gift shop. OMJ, I can’t wait to go there and buy you a tub o’ PD Butter!!
…and what exactly are we gonna do with this butter, wild woman?
What could possibly make Paula Deen any more awesome than she already is? A photo of Paula Deen riding an equally awesome cat, of course!
Paula Dean on the Cat. So brilliant that I have no words. Except I already know what my nightmare will be about tonight.
I snarfed at the violin/car thing. You’re so weird like I am.
I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about…
*prints out a slice of cheesecake*
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