Panties

Look out Dad; I’m going to talk about my honey pot again.  (Rocco insisted I use that word.  He thinks its HIGHsterical.)

Well, it’s not my vag up for discussion exactly.  This is more of a shout out to all the Twilight fans out there that also possess vaginas.  Well technically you don’t actually NEED a vagina to appreciate today’s topic.  I guess it would be more appropriate to say MY lady bits certainly appreciate today’s topic.

Christ, you must be confused because I have absolutely no idea where I’m going with this anymore.  Thank goodness I already typed the title or I would have had to abandon this post completely.  What a waste that would have been since it’s so well written and cohesive.

Sidebar:  My spell check doesn’t recognize the plural of vagina.  I’m pretty confident the plural really is just the word with an s on the end of it.  It’s not like fish.  (I just used the word fish in a paragraph about vagina(s) – they are so going to take away my riot grrrl status now.)  You can either have a single fish or a school of fish.  Not so with the vag.  When traveling in packs I’m downright certain they still are a school of vaginas rather than the singular.  If there are four of them in an 80’s band with ridiculous hair you could call them a Flock of Vaginas!

Let’s roll with that bird thing.  Maybe I should be looking to other animals for inspiration here – geese for example.  If I type vageena will spell check approve?  Denied.  Seeing as its Halloween, maybe a group of them should be a murder of vagina(s).  Sticking with the stream of consciousness I’ve got going on, my mind lands on mouse.  Let’s try it – vagice.  Denied again!

Which reminds me, I spent years trying to figure out the plural of uterus.  Is it like fungus – uteri?  That sounds like an evil alien species plotting to take over our planet.  Then again, uteruses sounds like the mating calls of underwater elephants.  I asked Rocco for his opinion and now he’s all worked up over the proper plural of penis.  They really can’t think about anything else, can they?

I’m sorry, did you say something?  Where was I?  Oh yes, panties!  Welcome to the bizarre thought processes that live in my little chemo brain.  Let’s try this again.

Happy Halloween, dear readers – both of you!  What’s the first thing I think of on Halloween?  Mmmhmm, vampires.  You know anytime I hear the word vampire I have to spend the next twenty to thirty minutes daydreaming about a certain fictional hunk of yumminess known as Edward Cullen.  I guess I’ve mentioned this once or twice before as people have started sending me Twilight stuff.  I’m particularly fond of my Twilight Halloween card with Captain Brooding prominently pictured on the front.  I’m still holding my breath for a cardboard cutout of my very own.  But yesterday, my friend Keri sent me a link to the latest Twilight commodity that has me somewhat uncomfortable.  Edward panties.  Awesome.

Even in my darkest days of obsession with NKOTB, I can’t imagine wearing Joey McIntyre’s face on my snatch.  Sure, I imagined plenty of other scenarios where those two things interacted, but spandex and screen printing were never, ever involved.  If I’d had boobs then, you might have sold me on a Jordan Knight bra.  Maybe.

Where are the Barack Obama panties?  Well shit – apparently they do exist.  I couldn’t find George Clooney or Brad Pitt panties, though.  I’m stopping the search now because I’m a little uncomfortable with this headline…and yet I kind of like it, too.  (Why yes, it IS exhausting to be me – funny you should ask.)  Now, I need to stop Googling if I’m ever going to get through this post.

I really don’t know which part disturbs me more, the fact that I can have Edwards face in my pants, or that they’ve printed the inside of the panties, too.  Even I must admit a line has been crossed. It gives new meaning to “lining that breathes” I suppose.  Not a good meaning, mind you, but it’s a new meaning none the less.  My favorite quote from the comments section of the BUST blog:

emcee3 responded:

Would it be ok to don a pair during your period? Discuss…

Did you notice the signature?  I half expect it to be prefaced with “Rob Patz wuz here.”  I mean, I’m as fond of the series as the next person…just not THIS person.  Now I feel perfectly justified in turning my office into a shrine.  Seriously, I’ve got the heebie jeebies here, folks.  This scares me WAY more than ghosts and goblins do.

I’m still going to camp out for opening night of New Moon, though!