Not Quite Burnt Bread

I survived the wedding, but now I’m off trying to survive the after, after, after party in some ridiculously tanned and buffed land called “Ocean City.”  Since it’s probably not wise for me to continue crawling back up onto the roof just to capture this weak-ass pirated wireless network, I’ve lined up a few guest posts for you beautiful people.  But before I go, I thought I’d share my toast (YEAH TOAST!) for the lovely bride as her Old Married Hag of Honor.

See you in a few days.  I miss you already, Interwebz.

Matt is the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’s been super great for Gwen, too.  But I have a hard time believing he’s been as good for her as he’s been for me.

I mean, have you met Gwen?  She’s a whirlwind of destruction.  If you happen to go on a shopping excursion with Gwenie, know that you will spend the entire next day picking up all the twist ties and tiny pieces of cellophane strewn about your car or home from the post shopping open-a-thon.  Gwen has never met a box that she could leave sealed nor a bag she could leave closed.  God forbid someone should print “some assembly required” anywhere on the packaging, or you’re guaranteed a long, superglue-filled evening.  I can only imagine what Christmas and birthdays were like in her childhood household.

But that’s her approach to all things in life – rip it open, dive right in.  Cut straight through people’s walls, their layers of defenses.  Charge well past their comfort zones and poke at their innermost secrets.  Leave them defenseless, bewildered, and somehow enchanted — all at once.

I was completely prepared to hate Gwen when my ex asked to bring her to Spring Break my senior year of high school.  (Why yes, I am THAT much younger than she is.)  But be damned if she didn’t woo me instantaneously.  A decade and a half later, I’m still trying to figure out how she did that.

Obviously it worked on Matt, too.  The poor guy never stood a chance.

I’ve learned many things during my friendship with Gwen — usually because she managed to create situations where I HAD to learn new things…like driving a stick shift, basic breaking and entering, what to do when your car is impaled on a grave stone.  You know, the basic survival stuff.

I’ve also learned how to ask for help, that I don’t have to do everything alone.  I’ve learned how cathartic a good cry can be.  I’ve learned how to be fearless, and how to recover when that doesn’t quite pan out.  I’ve been fortunate to benefit greatly from Gwen’s wisdom…and old, old age.

I want to take a quick moment to thank Gwen’s parents, who I like to think are here in spirit with us tonight.  David and Mary Lou, thanks for creating this wonderful girl — my best friend, my hetero life partner, the sister I never had, my named accomplice in 90% of the criminal investigations still pending, and for whom I am incredibly grateful.

I’d also like to thank Barbara and Kirk for their wonderful son, Matt.  Mostly because Gwen is his problem now.

Congratulations, you two.  Here’s to a long and happy marriage.

Post Gwattification
Post Gwattification


    1. I was fine…almost…if it hadn’t been for the knees knocking and paper shaking moment, I might have pulled it off. Fortunately, there was no video. So sad to have been so close to you and yet so far!

  1. OMG the best thing about Ocean City is my flabby 41 year old ass looks HAWT there compared to all the burnt Walmart customers. I do, however, lurve Seacrets. Have a Pain in the Ass for me – in fact, have 3, and also have some random sex too, cuz it’s been far too long.

  2. i wish i knew gwen when i was buying music CDs. i invariably ended up cracking or shattering the cases by stabbing them with scissors to open them. you think i would have figured it out after opening 500 or so.

    1. Would you believe I’m dorky enough to have those ridiculous little opener things with the blade hidden inside? Oh who am I kidding. I drip dorky.

  3. Yay, newly married couple, and a big huzzah for best friends, they really are wonderful.
    I was waving at you from across the Delmarva penninsula today as i let my kids wade in the shadow of the Bay Bridge. Eat some crabs and come come rested.

  4. Great toast! Aww, another happily married couple. (Did I sound bitter? No, I’m not bitter. well, maybe just a little. I couldn’t even get laid this weekend. *sigh* But at least someone is getting it on.)

    Have a great time! And don’t fall off the roof!

    1. Damnit! That reminds me! I totally forgot to throw a gallon of cranberry juice in the back of their car before they set off on their honeymoon.

  5. If you are in Ocean City, MD, I’m going to stalk you hard core.

    I live about an hour from there. I’m expecting uke serenade outside my window at 3:30 a.m. Be there.

    1. Had I known, I would have stayed another day just to stalk your back cleavage. Damnit. Next time, we’re meeting at the Bearded Clam for jello shots and a bar fight, k?

  6. Excellent toast! Perhaps you could make money on the side as a ghost-toast writer! Just a thought.

    Really, everyone should be so lucky! They look unbelievably happy! Look at that dress! I can only see the top of and I’m making plans to steal it!

    1. For some reason I thought that said “ghost-toad.” I’m not at all sure how a girl would break into the ghost-toad profession, but I’m certainly open to suggestions.

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