No Sudden Movements

I’m full of the twitch.  (And I don’t mean the lovable superstar hip-hop phenom from SYTYCD.  Though being full of Twitch probably wouldn’t be all bad.  Crap, four sentences in and I’m already in the gutter.  That’s gotta be some sort of record.)

I’ve been upping my caffeine intake to try and combat my NoGoFreBouScanNoMo brain sludge.  I’m up to three cups a day of caffeinated stuff.  I won’t drink coffee, though.  I refuse to drink dirty brown water.  Unless you count the water I drink when a water main breaks in Hoboken.  Then I drink dirty brown water all the time – three times just this past week, in fact!

Not that weird contaminants in water are exactly the kind of things that cause lymphoma in thirty-something women.  Not that these thoughts make a girl’s brain sludgier.  Not that a sludgier brain drives a girl to drink more caffeine.  And then the twitching starts.  *sigh*

Coincidentally, I watched Dr. Horrible’s Singalong Blog five times over the weekend because nothing makes me happier than celebrating the comedic timing and musical stylings of my future best friend, Neil Patrick Harris.  Not that mentioning that fact in any way contributes to the theme of this blog post.  Not that this post has a theme.  I just can’t resist working NPH in whenever possible.  (That’s what he said.)

So as you can doubtlessly already tell from this well-crafted and coherent post, the increase in my caffeine consumption is working wonders for my mental clarity.  Now instead of sitting here for hours at a time trying to remember what I was going to say, I’m bouncing here for hours at a time trying to remember what I was going to say and occasionally leaping from my seat to run laps around the living room while singing, “We do the weird stuff!

Speaking of weird stuff, I can always count on writing a Craftastrophe post to make me feel like a normal and relatively functional human being.  This one is no exception.  If I ever start building Mildred a wardrobe, somebody slap me, k?

And we’re back to the caffeine…it’s like magnets.  How does it work?  How early in the day do I have to stop drinking it so that I can still sleep at night?  Because if I don’t stop reciting the opening credits to Law & Order while pumping my fists at the ceiling instead of sleeping, Rocco is going to hemorrhage.  I’ve noticed he’s started drinking more caffeine, too.  Go figure.

Research says I’m supposed to drink five cups of caffeine each day to stave off dementia and keep my brain working.  FIVE CUPS.  Three already has me twitching uncontrollably and jumping at the slightest sound.  This morning I screamed like a howler monkey when Mildred jumped on my desk.  Plus caffeine makes me have to pee a lot.  And it’s never a good combination for me to have a full bladder and a jumpy disposition.

Has anyone else notice that steaming tea kettles sound like pubescent screaming Justin Bieber fans watching him being attacked my Lily Allen with a chainsaw?

Coincidentally, I’ll be doing a load of laundry later this afternoon.


  1. “Four sweater vests.” Really, 5 cups to stave off dementia? I don’t want to be demented, but that’s a lot of coffee.

  2. Oh, Dr. Horrible… I just want to eat you up!! And I don’t usually like blonds! Go NPH!(Too bad he bats for the other team, but I can dig it.)

    “I bring you pain, the kind you can’t suffer quietly.” ::shivers::

    Uh… Sorry… Did I just out myself? What can I say… I like assertive/villainous men! Especially if they have good intentions… ::SWOON::

      1. Lol!

        To clarify: I don’t usually fall for blond men. Probably has something to do with the fact that the area I live in is 95% Hispanic and I’ve only known a handful of blond guys my entire life… Half of which were jerks. Sorry to any blonds I may have inadvertently offended!

  3. Caffeine is simultaneously God and the Devil. Incidentally, I’m normally such a calm, reasonable driver despite what you might expect, but one time I drove seven hours after having imbibed three bottles of Rockstar and well. Let me say. Caffeine sure can bring about a personality change. Thankfully I only ran over THREE old ladies and a couple of stray kids and tailgated one asshole into a ditch so it wasn’t an altogether unsuccessful experience. Thanks energy drinks!

    Since I haven’t had any caffeine at all today my brain isn’t functioning at all and so this comment is lame.

    It’s always caffeine’s fault.

    One demands a video of the ‘Law and Order’ fist pumping thing. You Jersey folks sure enjoy fist pumping. Are you going out with Snooki this evening?

    1. I’m three feet taller than Snooki and I don’t own a bumpit. She’ll never hang with me no matter how many mixed drinks I bring her. *sigh*

  4. I love caffeine. I’ve recently rediscovered my love for it and now I drink tea and coffee until I hate that “caffeine overload” feeling; dizziness and slight nausea.

    It’s a small price to pay.

  5. Once I took caffeine pills to pull an all-nighter at university and got the shakes. You’ll probably misinterpret that sentence to mean something sexual but honestly, I was studying. How boring was I?

  6. coffee and nicorette give me superpowers. in my own mind. the people around me want to inject me with ativan so i guess that makes it more like the power of being obnoxious. not cool, but i’m not giving up the appetite suppression.

    1. I’m pretty sure they just did a study that said you can totally substitute wine for ativan. I mean, I don’t really have any empirical evidence but I thought about it for at least three minutes and I’m pretty sure that counts as a study.

  7. I drink my dirty brown water every morning. For the poops. And because it’s yum. Beyond that, it’s water and wine. Caffeine after breaky makes me feel icky.

  8. Caffeine not only gives me the shakes but it makes my eyes twitch too. So this man at work thinks I am giving him the sexy twitchy look.

  9. Does the random reference to laundry plans have something to do with all the twitching, as in the spin cycle? Maybe you had more of a theme than you thought.

  10. I like to tell my students that caffeine IS a drug, and yes, I am addicted. So how about that, kids? Your teacher is a real drug addict! Yay! I’ve built up a tolerance to about 4 or 5 cups a day for certain. But it took years. And no there’s no going back! Because the reverse symptoms? suck way more.

  11. 5 cups? What if I don’t drink coffee or soda? What am I gonna do?

    I love Dr. Horrible’s Singalong Blog. Even my boyfriend who hates musicals liked it. I credit NPH with that.

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