New Tricks

The brain.  Dear God the brain.  I think it’s leaking.

I’d love to tell you it’s safe to put down the finger puppets ‘cause I’m ready to entertain again, but I’m not entirely sure that’s true.  I think I have not yet fully recovered from the past week of brain drain.

In a wild moment of motivation, I decided it was time to start working again.  Sort of.  I decided it was time to try and attempt to work for a teeny tiny bit for a few days to see just how much brain is left in this disproportionately large cabeza of mine.  The results were…inconclusive.

Here’s a little excerpt from my morning pages after a few days of work:

I could just drift off and stare out through this window for way longer than would be wise – just let my brain turn to goo.  Goo.  Boo.  Shoe.   Flue.  Drew.  You.  Coo.  Poo.  Rue.  Loo.  New.  Knew.  Canoe…

It goes on like that for quite a while — three full pages of riveting prose and emotional insights (read: silly lists of words and non sequiturs).  The upside, I suppose, is that I have enough brain left to come up with a surprisingly large list of words that rhyme with poo.  The downside is I’m starting to sound like Goldie Hawn in that scene from Overboard with all the buh-buh-buh-buh-ing.

While I was doing research for the gig, I stumbled across this video and I just can’t stop watching it.  “Snap Three” is my favorite.  Hopefully possible suicide airplane bombers don’t find out about the special GAFF panties. How have I seriously not heard of these before?  Clearly I spend all my time on the wrong kind of websites.  That or maybe I need to get out more.

“Tuck each testicle up and into your abdominal cavity.”  Shit.  They can do that?

That’s TWO new things I’ve learned from just one video.  Not only are there special panties to aid in the discreet packaging of their goods, fellas apparently have access to a fair amount of extra storage space!  I thought I’d hit a goldmine when I was able to cram one little DivaCup into my equivalent “pack and store” real estate.  Turns out boys get twice the storage space without having to suffer through all the “female times” we get to enjoy.  Like having prettier legs wasn’t enough of an insult to those of us born with uteri.  Sons of bitches!  Did Lilly address this matter in her bill?

Seriously, that whole crotch bomb thing could have been WAY scarier if he’d been more in touch with the transgender culture.  Just goes to show that EVERYONE can learn something from people that aren’t like them, eh?  There’s another lesson for you, bitches.  It’s January 2nd and I’m already bringing the wisdom rapid fire.  Maybe this year I’ll stop trying to equate myself with a cool Martha Stewart and switch gears, shooting for a foul mouthed, dirty minded version of Deepak Chopra.  Game on.


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