My Computer is like Jesus

Next time I decide to kill a computer, can someone please remind me what a horrific plan that is?  Resurrection is overrated.  Really, I can think of better ways to spend my time. These blank index cards aren’t just going to shuffle themselves.

Yet there’s always a silver lining, right?  I’m all about taking those life lemons and making vodka sodas.  The past few days haven’t been a total wash.  I learned stuff.  Now I’ll get all Yoda and share these profound new insights with you, my treasured reader:

  • I know way more Mac people than I realized…and you bitches are PUSHY.  I haven’t felt this pressured since I was a wee young thing at a Southern Baptist Revival where Elvis’s stepbrother tried to save my un-baptized soul.  (I think you know how well THAT worked out.)  You Mac people are like a cult.  Granted, it appears to be a very intelligent, hip, edgy, heavily tattooed and frequently pierced cult (and therefore right up my alley as far as cults go), but it seems a cult none the less.  Yesterday I dared to enter into the holy temple of Apple down in the Meat Packing District.  I knelt at your altar of white and chrome, listened to your skull cap wearing, neck tattoo having, Chuck Taylor sporting evangelizer.  I absorbed his sermon, asked my questions, looked at a price tag, and then I got the flock out of there before they could suck out my soul, convert it via their lossless encoder and store it on a tiny, yet sexy portable flash drive.
  • In addition to a 500gig external hard drive, Target also sells these.  Did I mention that Thom accompanied me on my trip to Target?  Any guess as to who found that item and then spent the next ten minutes riffing on possible stories and comics involving “12 Cavity Girl?”
  • I suck at backing shit up.  This seems to get you Mac people all kinds of riled up – you with your fancy automatic backup thingamajiggies.  My friend Darrell was the most adamant.   “You have too much computer trouble.  Go buy a Macintosh.  You shouldn’t ever have to worry about losing taint photos.”  Who can argue with logic that sound?
  • I’m a fairly patient person.  Who knew?  Apparently I CAN spend thirty six hours staring at the computer screen, backing things up, tearing things down, removing and reloading Microsoft Office no less than nine times, all while patiently patting my cat’s head each time she walks across my keyboard and aborts the installation process.
  • Lorazepam and red wine might be the most revolutionary tools for computer repair ever developed.
  • Michael Dell may well have replaced Rod Stewart as my top pick for “Elly’s Least Favorite Living Person on the Planet Earth.”  You sir, are a total fuck.  Your computers have always brought me anguish and your customer service is as pleasant as spending Thanksgiving with the Gosselins.  The process for finding and reinstalling all my crucial drivers was more excessively convoluted and confusing than Brittany Murphy’s marriage to that creepy dude.
  • A letter opener is not actually intended to open disc drives.  While it works pretty well on DVD players and old stereos, computers seem to be a bit more temperamental.  Pliers and an unbent paper clip are far more effective.
  • Reformatting a hard drive and completely reinstalling the operating software…twice…will not somehow magically resurrect the external drive (housing all your treasured non Rod Stewart music files) that died a horrible death last month.
  • I clearly don’t understand the email account settings in Outlook.  I had somehow managed to store over 7000 emails on the gmail servers, and now I have three copies of each of them as new items in my inbox.  Yay!
  • A tower can accumulate quite a bit of cat hair over seven years.  The back of that thing looked a like a drier version of the inside of Rocco’s belly button.  Fortunately the other electronics (and refrigerators) in the house remain unaffected by filth.
  • I’ll never get tired of Justin Timberlake.  Feel free to judge.
  • If you dare tweet something about the Apple Store being intimidating, a surprising volume of people will eagerly volunteer to escort you on your next trip and hold your hand.  I think they may also go door to door armed with manuals and preaching the gospel of that Leopard thing they keep talking about.
  • Clearly I have grown far too dependent on all my third party applications for things like Twitter and syncing Webster (still the best phone EVER).  In an effort to be a more involved and a generally better person, I’m going to forgo reinstalling those programs.  It has nothing to do with the fact that I keep getting errors about previously installed versions and I’m pretty sure fashioning a flame thrower out of a can of hairspray and Rocco’s cigar lighter is not the best way to squeak another year out of this bitch.
  • For labor saving devices, computers are a ridiculous time suck.  They ALMOST suck up as much time when they’re broken, as when they are working.
  • I secretly want to join the Mac cult and wear dark denim jeans with the cuffs rolled up over stripey socks and move to Brooklyn.

Oh, and just in case you didn’t get enough of this while I was cracking my head on the underside of my desk…VAGINA!


  1. Thank fucking god. I started slipping while you were away. By the way, when you said your computer was like Jesus my floor cracked open and a satanic minion ran out to tell me that your analogy was funny. Then he showed me a picture of us at blogher from the future and we were surrounded by flames….and riding twin Destructicorns. What could this mean?
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..I Am About Twenty Years Away From My Full Destructive Potential =-.

    1. So you’re coming?!?! You better not me toying with my emotions. I am giddy in anticipation. Also, clearly I need to order my Destructicorn for our future photo op. Don’t worry about that satanic minion. He also repairs your shoes while you’re sleeping.

  2. I won’t tell you to go buy a Mac, if you enjoy things like:

    1. Spending hours fixing your PC
    2. Trying to understand what drivers you need, and WTF they are even for
    3. Wondering if you’ve got a virus from your websurfing for vagina-related (or taint related) materials
    4. Banging your head on the desk
    5. You get the idea.

    Because these are the things that bring you joy, I recommend you buy a Dell. They’re always bargain priced and they come with AOL pre-installed. *wink*

    Maybe you should start a donation bin. That’s my contribution, the idea. All yours, for free.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..KEEPEE-YAN YON AWACK =-.

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