This morning I had to do some pressing research (Do hermaphrodites have ovaries?) so I swung on over to the esteemed reference site Google – because if it’s on the internet, it’s fact, right? Word to the wise: never, ever do research on hermaphrodites before finishing your breakfast, Interwebz.
It’s all Rocco’s fault. If he hadn’t started that fight the other night by saying Harry Belafonte’s greatest contribution to society was singing the “Day Oh!” soundbite they play at every Yankee game non stop, I might not have had to remind him that Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite while digging through countless boxes in the hopes of finding my VHS of Harry performing on The Muppet Show. That was the best episode ever. Let’s all take a moment to revel in his beauty, shall we? Harry’s beauty that is. I mean, Rocco is lovely and all but…
Yum. Now we can return to our epic battle which quickly ceased to be an epic battle and instead turned into a quiet discussion of whether or not men without balls had to take hormones.
Rocco: They definitely have to take hormones.
Me: Even if they have balls but they just haven’t dropped?
Rocco: Can that happen?
Me: Totally. Did you read Middlesex? And look at Jamie Lee Curtis!
Look Interwebz, I don’t have anything against Jamie Lee Curtis. I think she’s fantastic. But Rocco loves her a little too much and I have to keep his ass in line. I’m really not this mean. I can’t tell you how guilty I feel about calling her a hermaphrodite…and so soon after her father’s death. Frankly, this is only one example of why I can’t sleep at night.
(Yet again I have half a post written and I haven’t even begun started writing about what I meant to write about yet. It’s like the chicken stuffed vagina incident all over again.)
So back on Google I started typing “hermaph…” and it auto filled with “hermaphrodite lynch.” I thought maybe they meant Jane Lynch. That gal is TALL. She makes me look downright lilliputian. If someone with a beard and wearing glasses tried to convince me Jane Lynch was a hermaphrodite after I’d consumed a pitcher or two of beer, I’d probably believe them. (Especially if they were wearing a jacket with elbow patches. Unless it was a woman. Never trust a woman with beard.) But no! It turns out they (the all powerful Google gods, that is) meant Stephen Lynch. He’s got a whole song about his hermaphrodite ex girlfriend, apparently.
But still my questions were unanswered, so I went to the ever respectable Wikipedia. (Though I’ve started to doubt their veracity after they pulled down the informative synopsis of Warren G’s rap classic “Regulate.”) Before I could read a single sentence I was absolutely mesmerized (and more than a little disturbed) by the photo of two snails getting it on.
As if I needed anything to add fuel to my mental fire after Kelly and Elizabeth turned the comments section of yesterday’s post into a tutorial on how to incubate sea monkeys in your vagina. And that? That brings us to a second example of why I can’t sleep at night…
This is the longest week ever. Remind me to tell you about how Jessica Simpson tried to kill me. But later. I’m too sleepy.
I’d be keeping Rocco in check too. And other than the annoying yogurt commercials what else can you use when you’re trying to bring Jamie Lee Curtis down a notch? That’s right, you go straight for her/his hermaphrdoties!
God I love you putting the Muppets up today! I can’t tell you how much I needed that!
The snails sex almost cancels it out. ALMOST!
How can you possibly need muppets when you’re an internet super star?
Or course I need Muppets! I built my success on their furry little backs! NOT.
The “fame” was yesterday. We’re done now, and I’m prett sure it was completely fueled by a picture of Jessica Rabbit.
Middlesex is the best book about a hermaphrodite I have ever read. Well, second only to the Jamie Lee Curtis autobiography, but what book isn’t?
I really did love Middlesex. In other news, I think you just solved the conundrum of what to get Rocco for xmas!
Wow. This simultaneous commenting is incredible!
I think I liked Virgin Suicides better than Middlesex. Probably I identified with the virgins more than the hermaphrodite.
I just like Greeks.
Yeah, I like to eat them with that Tzatiki Sauce, and a little Feta cheese sprinkled on the top.
Man, it’s tough telling who the pitcher and the catcher are in snail world, isn’t it?
It’s all tubes and white sauce and…I wish I could look away, but there’s just something about snail love…
This is the week of mental bleach I tell you…
This seems strangely appropriate for the given topics.
In a very, very bad punly sort of way.
I think my lack of caffeine has broken my brain.
I’m usually pretty sex positive – but that picture freaked me the fuck out.
Agreed. I think it’s that little pile of snail jizz on the side that really does me in.
I’ll admit those African-themed Muppets scared me when I was a kid, but damn if this isn’t one of the best songs they ever did on the show.
SHUT UP. My son has been singing this song for days — they learned it in music class and he loves it and I’ve never heard it before but it’s so adorable when he sings it in this high falsetto. (I just ate a bunch of chocolate, can you tell?) Now I can share this video with him. But I’m not sharing the snail sex with him. He’s too young, and I’m too horrified.
Craig is still my favorite Lynch song. Far and away. I don’t think you’ll let your son sing that one though.
Snail porn? Really? Has it come to this?
I’m not a proud girl. Neither is my mother at this moment.
O.M.G. Know what was the funniest part about all of that funny up there? The caption on the snail picture. BAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! I say brownchickenbrowncow, all the time. Just sayin’.
That’s my teenage girl comment for the week. You’re welcome.
Yet another reason I love you. You can brown my chicken any day.
Whoa snails whoa…. o.o
Oh, and the Muppets scare me. That is all.
You can’t be afraid of muppets! They’re the happiest things ever. Unless you count mid-coital snails. They look pretty happy, too.
I was alerted to shagging snails the other day by my youngest son. He found two randy snails doing the do on a basketball out in our yard. The shear delight and fascination he had, and the fact he had to bring the basketball to me so I too could enjoy the sight, does worry me somewhat, Playboy I can deal with, Snail Porn not so much. Perhaps worse were the updates I received during the day. Apparently they like to take it slow in all aspects of their life. They are also determined little buggers as even bouncing the ball didn’t interrupt the act. “OMG Mum, they are still doing it!” and “Bom chiki wah wah” were also shouted at regular intervals for the benefit of all our neighbours. My son, the next David Attenborough.
Tantric snail sex. Obviously. That was the Sting of snails.
Hermaphrodites have one ovary. I’m wearing elbow patches and do not have a beard, so I trust you will believe me. Rocco, balls can totally not drop. I know a guy. But they usually discover it in childhood. That doctor that you thought was a perv? No. He had a valid reason for feeling you up. Again. Elbow patches.
I didn’t even drink a pint of beer yet and I totally believe you.
Um, snails add a whole new (and incredibly disturbing) element to the phrase “bumping uglies.”
Bumping moist-ies. Or Slim-ies. Either way it’s ew-ies.
So okay, I was trying to figure out what end of the snail is getting the snail penis. From where I sit it looks like one of them is getting it in the ear? Holy hell.
aaaannnndddd the pimple on my vagina could possible be a penis growing?
Maybe. Do you find yourself thinking with the pimple?
for fuck’s sake, that snail sex is like sci-fi techno or some shit. and that is just an ill-proportionate amount of jizz.
all i know is jessica simpson is sexual napalm so i can’t wait to hear how she tried to kill you!!!!!
She didn’t try to kill me with her vagina of mass destruction! Probably. Actually you never know…
Wait a minute… Harry Belafonte is a hermaphrodite?
Incidentally, regarding Jamie Lee (on behalf of my adolescent self I’m still skeptical about that rumor) the probiotic organisms in Activia can dissolve unnecessary sex organs.
Jessica Simpson did not try to kill you, she tried to LOVE you.
They are just eerily similar.
Gary! Now I know why Gary is always so content and layback…
(Oh, you don’t know Gary? He lives with SpongeBob…)
And seriously, lady, I call false promise: I thought I was going to see Jane Lynch in a short film of snail sex a la Isabella Rossellini… So excited. So disappointed. 🙁 On another note, did Kermit sound a little bit of bitchy to you too?
those snail are really fucking?
also, yes, subWOW, Kermit sounds quite bitchy…
Funny wee zeitgeist, this.
I was recently discussing the relative differences between transvestites and hermaphrodites with a transsexual I know, who didn’t seem to think it all that funny when I said,
“Why not just keep all of your bits and decide later, like the hermaphrodites do? What if you change your mind again?”
Also, I LOVED Middlesex. Brilliant book.
– B x
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